These last few weeks have been tough ones!I slowly feel myself diving back into depression.I am hoping that it will not require me to have to be on medication again.I do feel like it is out of my control though.I don't like that.My heart and mind have been weakened.So now I want to make it stronger.
Here are a few words floating around in my mind
These words can easily tell me how I am feeling.I can ask myself the following questions:
Is my heart opened?Am I being honest and open with MYSELF and my SPOUSE?
What am I holding on to?Am I hiding or want to HIDE?
Is my thinking NEGATIVE or POSITIVE?
Do I feel GUILT?
How can I get more ENERGY?
Who can I TALK to or TRUST?Am I talking to people?
Everyday I feed,change,clean up after the baby and kids.I do this while being so exhausted from being up withe the baby who has been in our bed for months.I feel tired,unmotivated and empty.I know in saying this I feel even more guilty for feeling this way.However I know I am not alone in this struggle.I don't want it to just be words I write here but raw emotion.I want you,my reader,to be able to relate.I am ready to push the reset button.....
There is nothing wrong with STARTING OVER.It sounds scary,and it can be sometimes.It is not admitting defeat, but admitting that something isn't working.It is looking at things in a new perspective.I want to be honest with myself here.For now I am just coping with it all,but depression doesn't go away over night.So I will write in my journal/blog and pray and pray some MORE.
What do I write in my journal?I write my feelings and negative thoughts so I have a starting point.I recognize that I need help and ask for it!This is hard,but to the un-motivated Mom dishes,laundry and clutter build up and become even more overwhelming.When you acknowledge our pain and frustration you are starting with a new happiness blueprint.With any blueprint you must have a foundation.Find out what makes you happy.Write down a few things that are really important to you.Tell yourself you choose to be happy and will do one thing towards that happiness.
Next make a small goal so you can achieve it.See how you feel and reward yourself.Then make another goal.By doing so,you are putting up walls of security and acceptance.Little by little you will find your happiness,because you built it!This can take days,weeks or months.This is not a fix all.You may need to see a doctor to receive medicinal help and relief.
Your happiness is a choice.Depression can take that choice from you.It doesn't mean you can't fight back and against it!