Wednesday, September 23, 2015

My life in ruins and that is okay

I am back! You won't believe where I have been or what I conquered to get there! It started on the last week of August. My parents flew in to learn the routine of what I do daily so that I could go to meet my sister and go to the UK! I still can't believe that I got to go and just got back on Sunday September 20th! Before I left my husband left to help a family member move. They stopped at our house Friday night to sleep and then drove again to California. I left the next day and met up with my hubby in California a few hours before he left to go home. It was basically a hi and goodbye.I was packed and ready to leave the country which was amazing! Crazy is what those few weeks were! What I didn't know was how a 7 hour time difference would affect my Fibromyalgia or if I could keep up the pace of a rigorous tourist schedule for over 2 weeks! Everyday for me is hard to get up and moving and if I push myself too hard I crash for days! Needless to say I was beyond nervous and missed my family so much! I have never left them like this before.

I left on this trip very frazzled and looking for a renewal of some kind. I was crumbling to ruins.Do you know what it feels like to feel like a burden to everyone around you? That is how I feel. It is very scary for me to admit that to you all. I didn't figure that out until this trip. When I got there I was expecting breathtaking views and history lessons. I did not realize how much I needed a break from routine and the stress of daily life. I did not expect that this trip would expose my greatest weaknesses and my need to change how I see and do things! All I could think about was how I needed a change, but what? I am still pondering on how to make this transformation.

Hmmmmm.........this might take my whole lifetime!

Speaking of transformations, I tried to do a little each day to get ready and change my sleeping habits.A few weeks before my trip I started going to bed by 9 p.m. and getting up at 5a.m.. I am not an early riser at all, but this was for the greater good right? It was hard but my motivation was strong. My hope was to help my body adjust better. I even downloaded Jet Lag Rooster to help me adjust easier. I was really surprised at how well I adjusted! The second or third day it was really hard to move, but I pushed on. A little over a week into the trip I couldn't eat anything without severe stomach issues, no need to be graphic. ;) Then 2 days before we could go home I slept the whole day. I couldn't go anymore!Nothing could wake me up either! I was grateful that most of my trip was without incident. It really was a trip of a life time! It was frustrating to not be able to eat for 4 days. However,for most of the trip I was able to find gluten free options and meals as well. Just like the amazing castles and things I saw ,I was a little bit in ruins near the end, but I am still here to tell my story. I am still standing! (Barely)

"We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we are afraid of the change, of things crumbling to ruins. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation"- Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

So basically I am in a flare and I ignored all the signs that it was coming. We had a plan of what to do each day but driving in the UK was a big contributor to this flare I think. It was sooooo stressful! I also wasn't very careful with what foods I ate or taking any rests. Now that I am home and I have to catch up on housework and find my routine again. It is a slap in the face by reality. I am already struggling and frustrated. I don't want to feel that way. Grrrrrr! I just had the most amazing trip of my life!Traveling gave me a chance to experience something new. It would be a shame if I lost all what I felt and learned just because I was thrown back into life. It feels like I was thrown in an icy cold lake.

Reality check!

I have decided to take some real time to reflect and look within. It would be incredible to enjoy every day amidst the pain and realities I face. I don't want the only thing for people to see is what is left and have people feel sorry for me. I want them to look at me with awe and amazement like I did at these landmarks. Even Stonehenge draws people in with its mystery.

 So here is what I learned....
  1. Find the beauty in the ruins;be blinded by the beauty that is there.
  2. How these castles and houses were built amazes me!I want the same for my life. How can I build myself back up?
  3. Find time to relax and stop stressing!
  4. Keep things fresh and simple.
  5. Sample the flavors of life
  6. Adventure lies waiting. There is so much to explore!

The ruins of Urquhart Castle in Scotland

"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along"- Rae Smith

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