Wednesday, October 28, 2015

My hands are not yet what they could be

Take a minute to look at your hands. What do you see? You might notice wrinkles or creases. Maybe you see a scar from an old injury. Our hands tell a story. Our hands are useful. From the moment we wake up to when we lie down at night our hands are busy. Busy hands to keep up with a busy world. The worlds pace is running around and filling our schedules with as much as we possibly can. Most of it is good things, but still we do way to much! We can only go at this pace for so long! My hands are tired. Aren't yours? When I look at my hands I think of creation. Our hands are god's tools. After all didn't he give them to us? We do almost everything with our hands. We touch, feel and move things. Hands can bend to pick up toys, make dinner or pat someone on the back. So many of us have phones now to occupy our hands and time and opportunity just tick on by. What if we were told we could only use our hands for 10 things today? Could we do it? What would you do? I would think you would make them count.

How many touches during the day are meaningful and connecting?

Our hands tell a story of whose lives we have touched, how we live and what we do with our time. Look at your hands again. How do they look now? Are they creased with experience? Wrinkly and worn out with good deeds? Sore and cramped from video games and texting? Mine are dry and cracking because of the fall chilly air!

Have you heard about being intentional with your thoughts? What if you were intentional with your hands? Being intentional to me is bringing your mind and body to function as one. You act and focus on that act, and only that act, in that moment.

If we see our hands as the Saviors tools; it would change what we do everyday. It would matter what we held inside our hands or touched with our hands. We would labor with our hands with charity and discipleship. We would soften a hand clenched in anger or find more moments to clasp them together in prayer and supplication.

If we to look at the Saviors hand we would see what he has done for us. We would see the sign of where the nails had been in his hands and his feet. We would see his ministry and how he healed the sick and afflicted. We must make our hands become like his. I love the song His hands by Kenneth Cope

his hands
tools of creation
stronger than nations
power without end
and yet through them we find our truest friend
his hands
sermons of kindness
healing men's blindness
halting years of pain
children waiting to be held again
his hands would serve his whole life through
showing man what hands might do
giving, ever giving, endlessly
each day was filled with selflessness
and I'll not rest until i make of my hands what they could be
'til these hands become like those from Galilee

his hands
lifting a leper
warming a beggar
calling back the dead
breaking bread, five thousand fed
his hands
hushing contention
pointing to heaven
ever free of sin
then bidding man to follow him

his hands would serve his whole life through
showing man what hands might do
giving, ever giving, endlessly
each day was filled with selflessness
and I'll not rest until i make of my hands what they could be
'til these hands become like those from Galilee

his hands
clasped in agony
as he lay pleading, bleeding in the garden
while just moments away
other hands betray him
out of greed, shameful greed
and then his hands
are trembling
straining to carry the beam that they'll be nailed to
as he stumbles through the streets
heading for the hill on which he'd die
he would die
they take his hands, his mighty hands, those gentle hands
and then they pierce them, they pierce them
he lets them, because of love
from birth to death was selflessness
and clearly now Isee him with his hands
calling to me
and though I'm not yet as I would be
he has shown me how i could be
 I will make my hands like those from Galilee

We have all heard of hands free sets or may use them so we can talk on the phone and drive right? We should create more moments for our hands to be free to do God's will. We could use them to develop our talents or hug a pencil to write a thoughtful letter. We are in a day and time when text messages are easier than writing a letter. We are so busy texting and playing on social media that we miss the messages from heaven. I would like to think that God thinks about me and would send little texts if he could. When you stop and think about it, he does send them just not over the phone. They are quiet promptings and feelings. Put yourself in a "hands free" mode and focus on his will and what really matters. We can be ready to serve and to dig into more enjoyable, meaningful times with your family. Put down your phone or controller. Instead put your hands on something or someone that needs you!

clearly now I see him with his hands
calling to me
and though I'm not yet as I would be
he has shown me how i could be
 I will make my hands like those from Galilee

Let's grasp what really matters and hold on tight!

What will you choose to do with your hands?

Monday, October 26, 2015

Making your home what you want one rock at a time

As a family, we have been slacking on doing family meetings together. It is just another thing the kids can roll their eyes at. First, I sat down with my partner and crime, my husband, to see if we were on the same wavelength about inspiring our kids to be better and to get a family chore system in place. We are still working on that. In my scripture reading this morning I read The Presidents of the church  about Pres. David O Mckay, Chapter 24. It was titled, Let your light so shine. He admonishes us to make our homes examples of harmony and love. He said

 "Our homes radiate what we are, and that radiation comes from what we say and how we act in the home. … You have to contribute to an ideal home by your character, controlling your passion, your temper, guarding your speech, because those things will make your home what it is and what it will radiate to the neighborhood. …"
I read this quote at our family meeting. I thought it could be like a beacon for what we wanted to try to accomplish in our home. My husband replied
"Okay we have a real problem here! Pause for dramatic effect..... We have radiation in our home. The kind that turned Bruce into the Hulk"
Sigh....I love my husband. He makes me laugh and he has a way of reaching the kids that I can't. Also, you can tell I am surrounded by boys all day can't you? As we laughed I thought about it, the more I thought about it I realized he was a genius! Don't tell him I said that okay? There is so much in this world, like radiation, can creep through our defenses at home and poison the minds of each one of us. President David O Mckay of course meant radiation by energy and light we give off within ourselves. We radiate who we are.
David O Mckay further states
"No good deed, no kind word can be spoken without its effect being felt for good upon all. Sometimes the good may be infinitesimal, but as a rock that is thrown in a pool starts a wave from the center which continues to enlarge until every part of the shore is touched, so your deeds, silent, many of them, unknown, unspoken, unheralded, continue to radiate and touch many hearts."
The ripple effect can be from not only a positive deed but a negative one as well. If one person is angry or sad then everyone feels it. What we do and say or the moods we are in create these ripples in the water, our home. Of course the positive emotions have the same effect. I really want to point out the negative ones because that can cause more like a wave or tsunami. Before you know it we are all caught up in this tide of emotion.It is harder to stop and control.When someone gets mad it is like throwing a rock into the pond. It will eventually touch each family member. Those family member who are just innocent bystanders may feel like they have to walk on egg shells. One wrong move and her comes the next wave. Have you ever noticed this in your home? How many times as parents are we the one to start the ripple? What would those around us notice that we are radiating? Next time I want to act on my frustration I might think about this before I act.
Each of our actions are rocks that splash, radiate an influence all in its path. Everything we do starts a ripple and it can go far beyond where we can see and penetrate our tender hearts and minds. Whether we choose to toss positive or negative rocks is up to us. It could even be a  giant boulder with a larger impact and effect. Lifting a boulder takes more effort We choose. My children choose. People around me choose. We radiate what we choose. I wish we could just decide to be positive every day and just dive into it ourselves. Just give our all. You can feel a rush of happiness!
What do you think? Did you throw positive rocks or negative today? How can you throw more positive ones and less negative?
 Here is a drawing I did in my scripture journal of a ripple in water that I thought I would share

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Girl Power! It is that powerful!

I had a good day today! I love when I can say that and even hold onto that for the next few days. It is hard when my posts, like my last one, are sad . This one is not though. Yay! So what made it so good? Girl Power baby! I love getting together with amazing woman. It just makes me feel like I am doing okay and that they have struggles just like me. I am trying to make goals for the year to organize and inspire my family. I hate nagging, so I will not do it anymore!!!!! Yes I am really going to stop! It doesn't work. So now I get to come up with a whole new system for chores and ways to touch their little hearts so they will want to pitch in. Not to mention ending the fighting and hurting each other on the inside and the outside. How am I going to you might ask? I don't know yet! That is my goal this week to fine tune my plan. Just like a instrument can go out of key, my family is a little dissonant and out of harmony with each other.

I am glad that I was reminded to take my problems to the Lord. A piano doesn't know when it is off  key and neither do people, really. They may feel off or disconnected but they might not know what is the cause or how to make it better. Here is where you and I come in! It is a big job but someone has got to do it!

In order to find a create a master plan and help my family be in tune with each other I will
  1. Prayerfully consider what my children need.
  2. heal any relationships
  3. I want to understand my role as a mother to keep contention out of my home
  4. Change my view of what nurturing means to me
  5. Find a way to inspire and inspire my children
  6. Take my rightful and needful place as Russell M. Nelson states in his conference talk  A plea to my sisters
  7. Nurture yourself so you can nurture your child and be a light
  8. Find a way to enforce routines without being authorative and strict
You will notice that nurturing is on there a few time. Why? Shouldn't this nurturing gig just come natural to me? Stress and the frustrations of motherhood can get in the way.  Frustration can be like a pencil that has rolled inside your piano. This pencil can get stuck on the block of wood in charge of making  a note. Your result? You hit the key and no sound. It just sticks. I know this because my son loves to draw and put several pencils on the piano. Eventually when I found time to play it, (hint-not very often do I get to play) there were many keys that were sticking! We had to open it up and painstakingly pull them out one b one.them out. Being upset is like a pencil shoved in our works. We have to deal with that before we can deal with  the issue at hand. It impedes nurturing? SO how many "pencils" do you have in your mommy self?

Nurturing doesn't come naturally to me. I am just not that Mom who wants to do everything for her kids and loves doing all the house work, like Donna Reed or something. I have to be more mindful of it. Just like most everything I want in life. Nothing has come easily to me. Friends, school, my health.....pout pout

What has really gotten me to this point or wanting to set goals is girl power. Yes I have it too! My home is my kingdom, my heaven on earth. Keeping it stable and strong while it us under siege is a tough job. I need some more of that girl power. Everyday! Everyday! Everyday!

Whether my family is out of tune or under attack I need to mentally and physically aware and ready!

So my list above is a huge undertaking, I still need to narrow it down some more.

Stay tuned....... no pun intended...... okay maybe a little

Lead me, guide me,walk beside me. Help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do to live with him someday.

Monday, October 19, 2015

My all too real reality-Evaluate your life day October 19th

I wrote this post a few days ago and have been deciding whether it is too personal to publish. My writing is sometimes the only way that I can get things out. I have discovered something that I am trying to make sense of. Today just happens to be Evaluate your life day and it just fits with what I have to say. It is time to ask if you are happy with your life and how it is going? If not what changes would you make?

I realize this post may be shocking and revealing......But here goes

 Sometimes we are injured and have a cut or a bruise that over time heals until you can't see it anymore. Some injuries require stitches or leave a scar. In life I have been through several traumatic events that have scared me emotionally.You can't go through something traumatic and be the same. It just does something to you. You have changed and there is no going back. A part of you is still in there, somewhere. The spark of divinity is in there too. For so many years I have tried to discover why I keep falling into these slumps of despair or slowly sink into nothingness. I am not numb, on the contrary, I feel too much! I fear that one wrong move and I will lose all I have gained, however small it may be. Sometimes I feel like I can climb out and rise above these feelings, just to be pulled down again. This is what depression feels like. You are alone, alienated and sinking.....

I hate screaming and yelling. Too many times that is the only sounds I could hear from loved ones and a past friend who tore into my heart with hateful words I never thought I would hear.
Lately I hate what I see when I close my eyes since my daughter's bunny died . I can't stop feeling like it was all my fault. I see the image and I feel helpless.

Some of these things(mentioned above) I thought I let go but have not deep down in my consciousness. I am reminded of  these events in nightmares or things that remind me of it. It is amazing that all these memories came to me from watching a show where this woman had something happen while she was an agent and it changed her. It was like a light bulb went on and I knew what was going on with me, at least partly. My heart has been pounding as I think back on these events.  It is hard to talk about these things so I thought if maybe I could write about them it might help me. It doesn't! Not today. I do not wish to make a mountain out of a mole hill but my stress and anxiety these days is an unquenchable fire within! Soon, I fear it will consume me! I assure you that I am seeking medical advice and getting the help I need. I realize this is a cry for help and I just wonder if there is anyone out there who feels it too? The truth is that even the strongest people you may know can be ensnared by depression. Robin Williams death was a wake up call to me. He seemed so happy. It isn't easy putting on the fake persona. Staying quiet or shrugging it off like everything is okay is just pulling me (you)down further. I have not given up yet! As long as I am seeking and searching for answers I am trying to pull myself out!

 I am searching for someone to throw me a lifeline-Anything!........

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

This is my fight but not alone

Last night I went to my first eternal warriors class. I didn't really know what it was all about but I wanted to go check it out. My friend, who invited me, mentioned that you make goals and you have to be accountable for these goals and talk in front of a group. This sounded like just the change I need right now. It was a little intimidating really. When I got there I only knew a few people. I felt pretty lost but immediately hooked when these woman would talk about their week and goals. First of all I had no idea my friend felt like she was lacking in similar areas as me or that she admired me. What? Little ol' me? I am so humbled to hear that! I am my own worst enemy when I crawl into my head space. It is like I get trapped in there and am surrounded by negative walls of thoughts. In my head it can feel very dark and I can't see the light.

I hardly talked but just listened to these woman and how they were trying to fight the adversary. There was even chocolate! Yes! Score! So I am happily savoring my dark chocolate when I was asked why I was there? What was I fighting for? All at once here come the water works and adrenaline! I am a big, big baby! Goodness gracious! I couldn't believe I was crying already!  I am fighting because I don't want to be where I have been several years before. I want to beat depression and Fibro without being in a medication fog. I want to feel like a good Mom, wife and friend. This is my fight song! Hey I love that song by Rachel Platten. I sing it with my toddler (who loves to sing) at the top of my lungs and envision fighting the demons in my life.

Here is the powerful chorus:
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

I find this song very inspiring to me. I live every day with a chronic illness that can make me feel like I am barely living. But, I am fighting every single day because I still have a lot of fight left in me! It is my fight but I am not alone! I have Jesus Christ who strengthens me! You are not alone either! If you feel like you are losing remember what you want and fight for it! What are you fighting for? Why are you here?

Here are a few links to introduce you to the idea of eternal warriors:

Ephesians 6:11-20

Sunday, October 11, 2015

How to throw a helpful pity party and then move on

Over the weekend I was able to see some dear friends of mine. It was so wonderful and reminded me what it feels like not to fight your way into a social circle like your are fighting a whirlpool in the ocean. Feeling alone and like you just don't fit in can feel a lot like you are being sucked into a vortex or something. Maybe it feels different to you I don't know. I do not want to say that I don't have friends in my neighborhood because I have wonderful friends! It is just new friendships. These fragile new relationships are not ready to hear all my crazy. A new friendship is like a tiny seed. You can't dump a ton of water on it and expect it to survive. I bet each of you can think of that one friend who you can let your guard down and spill your guts to. No matter how much time has gone by you feel like you can pick up where you left off. I miss that! These women that I am around are like super woman to me. It wouldn't be fair to complain and fall apart on them. Would it? I don't know. Why don't I know? Well it happened today. I was at church and feeling so overwhelmed and smothered by how I was feeling emotionally and physically that I had to go somewhere quiet before my internal screams became external ones. That would be humiliating and embarrassing, not to mention disrupting. I don't think I would have screamed audibly but I wasn't going to take a chance.

I found a place to sit and pray and wait for the pain to go away. Instead a friend of mine came in and so we chatted. Yay! I needed a distraction. She then asked me how I was doing?  Noooo! Why? I am fine until someone asks me that! I don't know what to do. Yes I need to talk but, again, it is a can of crazy mixed up emotions they are opening. Uh oh! Here come the water works. Okay yes, now I am totally blowing it on keeping it cool. Now what do I say?

How many of you have been in that situation? It is like a huge nuclear meltdown at the power plant that is your mind. This meltdown I wasn't really able to talk it out and after she left I wondered if I should have said anything.

 Pity party for one.

When I made it home and cooking 3 different lunches a knock came at my door. Another friend was at my door because that first friend ratted on me. Ha Ha. So sweet right? On the plus side, just them caring does make some of the ache go away. I don't know what to do when I hurt from head to toe and my emotions are out of my control. It might be time to go back on medication but I hate being in a fog all day! So much out of my control. Grrrrr!It makes me so mad! There is someone out there that feels like I do. I know it. For right now though I am not ready to spill the beans. Why me? I know we ALL ask ourselves this when we have a hard day or when life is just hard in general. So if you are like me here is what you do.  Throw a party!

  1. Get some paper or your computer and just write. It is good to get it out, especially if you don't feel like talking.
  2. Grab your favorite treat like chocolate or any comfort food really.
  3. Watch a movie or listen to music.
  4. Wrap up in a blanket or put on a cozy sweater.
  5. Most importantly, remember that you always have tomorrow! It is a new and hopefully brighter day.So lets move on...
Check please!

 If your feelings aren't drowned out by the above suggestions you may need medical help. Depression is not a joke! I know I suffer from it!  Seek medical help quickly if you suspect that you do. It okay to have your party but then, check yourself  out of this party for one.

Oh yes I can eat the whole thing if I want to!

Thursday, October 8, 2015

I am mother hear me roar!

Imagine 4 lion cubs a.k.a. my children, running around doing flips onto the couch and jumping from cushion to cushion. The volume of their screams could only be penetrated by the roar of the Mommy lioness. I am mother hear me ROOOAAARRR! However, this mommy did not want to roar and lose her cool. She sat there with her paws folded waiting for her lion cubs to join her in prayer. They were wild and did not. Disappointed and tired, the lights were turned off so the house became dark. Darkness was how she felt too....
Dark and tired...
      Dark with failure.......


Why does it have to be that mothers have to yell to get any attention? It almost always ends up with everyone upset! Tears and drama, drama, drama! To top my night off I was up with my allergy suffering, itching cub. All night! We almost didn't make it to school this morning because I had to peel myself off of the mattress.
Now I am alone, dark and tired.
      I am mother hear me cry.


When did being a mother become all about power? More accurately, when did it become more about power struggles? Does anyone else feel this way? Raise your paw. I don't think that the way animals solve a dispute in the wild is how I want to go about solving conflicts. So here is my question to you. How can we, the mothers, get that quick response from her cubs that a lioness can? A lioness roars to call her cubs back to the pride and they listen. My children conveniently forget their names it seems and tune me out until......ROAR!

I am a mother and I have something to say! When did I become such a  FIERCE lioness?  I feel I am preparing them for life and I am running out of time quickly. No pressure though. When the cubs do not listen it makes me angry so I ROAR my best Mommy ROAR. I love my cubs. They are great! I do enjoy watching my cubs play and wrestle. I enjoy it! Just not at night when someone almost always gets hurt and is screaming like a banshee! But hey, at least their lungs got some exercise. How can I stop these wild cubs? I don't want my cubs to fear me or worse, roar back at me. At that point communication is degraded and lost.

It is time to tame this lioness and focus on creating healthy relationships and self esteem for myself and my children. Words have the power to hurt or heal. Again with the power? Do you feel and know the power you have? Maybe it is time to look at making a softer roar.So choose what you say carefully.

Did you know there are 2 variations of a roar? Well at least there is as of today!  I am using the following acronym to transform that scary Roar to:


There are many ways that as Mothers and parents that we can reach out. Anger can actually stop you from reaching out to your cubs. Throw your cub a tasty bone of listening and refraining from giving advice to quickly. They might be surprised and delighted and take a nibble. A lioness can pick up her cub by the tuft of her neck when necessary. EEEEW! Hairball! No thanks! I think I will just set clear limits and consequences for when rules are broken. Cubs need limits, but not too many. Finally give them a tasty slab of options. This is especially true for my boy cubs who want to be mighty kings of the jungle. Last and most important stretch out your paws and pull your cubs in for a furry warm hug.

Once you have reached out then you need to restore what may be lost. You may need to restore order or restore hurt feelings. The cubs might need to do some wound licking of their own too. I used to make the cubs say I am sorry, but now, I ask what they can do to make things right. I hardly ever hear sorry being said through gritted teeth and folded paws anymore.

Children love to wrestle and play. Getting them to stop and listen is tricky. We do not want to use our roars to intimidate or make our cubs feel bad. The trick is to reach out and restore(ROAR) Once us fierce lionesses realize that we can still keep the power and be loving; what can be better than that? Our roars may sound more like purrs of peace. Can we really tame the beast inside? What do you think?