Monday, October 19, 2015

My all too real reality-Evaluate your life day October 19th

I wrote this post a few days ago and have been deciding whether it is too personal to publish. My writing is sometimes the only way that I can get things out. I have discovered something that I am trying to make sense of. Today just happens to be Evaluate your life day and it just fits with what I have to say. It is time to ask if you are happy with your life and how it is going? If not what changes would you make?

I realize this post may be shocking and revealing......But here goes

 Sometimes we are injured and have a cut or a bruise that over time heals until you can't see it anymore. Some injuries require stitches or leave a scar. In life I have been through several traumatic events that have scared me emotionally.You can't go through something traumatic and be the same. It just does something to you. You have changed and there is no going back. A part of you is still in there, somewhere. The spark of divinity is in there too. For so many years I have tried to discover why I keep falling into these slumps of despair or slowly sink into nothingness. I am not numb, on the contrary, I feel too much! I fear that one wrong move and I will lose all I have gained, however small it may be. Sometimes I feel like I can climb out and rise above these feelings, just to be pulled down again. This is what depression feels like. You are alone, alienated and sinking.....

I hate screaming and yelling. Too many times that is the only sounds I could hear from loved ones and a past friend who tore into my heart with hateful words I never thought I would hear.
Lately I hate what I see when I close my eyes since my daughter's bunny died . I can't stop feeling like it was all my fault. I see the image and I feel helpless.

Some of these things(mentioned above) I thought I let go but have not deep down in my consciousness. I am reminded of  these events in nightmares or things that remind me of it. It is amazing that all these memories came to me from watching a show where this woman had something happen while she was an agent and it changed her. It was like a light bulb went on and I knew what was going on with me, at least partly. My heart has been pounding as I think back on these events.  It is hard to talk about these things so I thought if maybe I could write about them it might help me. It doesn't! Not today. I do not wish to make a mountain out of a mole hill but my stress and anxiety these days is an unquenchable fire within! Soon, I fear it will consume me! I assure you that I am seeking medical advice and getting the help I need. I realize this is a cry for help and I just wonder if there is anyone out there who feels it too? The truth is that even the strongest people you may know can be ensnared by depression. Robin Williams death was a wake up call to me. He seemed so happy. It isn't easy putting on the fake persona. Staying quiet or shrugging it off like everything is okay is just pulling me (you)down further. I have not given up yet! As long as I am seeking and searching for answers I am trying to pull myself out!

 I am searching for someone to throw me a lifeline-Anything!........

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