Wednesday, April 27, 2016

No good very bad anxiety day

Car trouble? We have all had a time when our trusty mobile breaks down and so do we because of the stress of having car issues. Our transmission went out of our van a little while ago so I am driving our very old car that is leaking power steering wheel fluid all over our drive way and anywhere else we venture. The other night my husband stuck his hand underneath the car to locate the problem and got his arm stuck! When he finally pried it loose he was covered in grease. Yuck!

I have been feeling this way myself. I am leaking energy from somewhere and I keep having a low tank. I can keep putting time into resting, eating right and I still find things that are draining my energy. This is a frustrating reality. I spent the whole morning writing down quotes to strengthen me when I start to think negatively or anxiety creeps upon me. Hope this will help some. Lately the kids have been dragging their feet to get ready for school. So my morning has not been relaxing and it takes 2 hours for me to fully get moving. I have been doing some stretches and range of motion exercise. I did not realize how week my arms and wrists were. I am really trying to be diligent about simplifying my life and then I see the messy house and I get anxious and angry. I am spewing my energy all over the place instead of conserving it!

I have accepted my illness and limitations. I have accepted that my children are strong willed.(mostly) The house I have not accepted. I don't like feeling like it will never get done. I will always be wasting my energy on cleaning the house and for what? Then I have no time for my kids, friends or hobbies. I could easily clean a whole day and not feel like I have accomplished anything. I am like my husband with the car. I am stuck!! There is just so much out of my control right now. If everyone in my home is fine with they way the house is it is only me who is getting worked up and unhappy. I have heard that there is a link to depression and clutter. I cannot speak for all depression but it is hard to stop the negative shaming and guilt trips. I find myself saying why even bother it will be messy again and I am always going to be playing catch up. Depression is a mental disorder and it is not easy to get yourself out of a funk. Often when you do you fall back into depression is because you have set too high an expectation or you failed. So now that I am getting some clarity....... Is this something to worry about? I feel that it is because of people in the past who have shunned me because my house was messy, even though I was trying. I am embarrassed to have anyone come in anymore!

So I guess I face my fears? As I was writing this a name popped into my head of who I should call. I have decided to ask for help. I am sick after all so why do I still feel guilty asking? I am losing so much energy just worrying. Worrying of what people think of me being sick or my house. Why do I do that to myself? Why do you do that to yourself?

I have now worked myself up and feel all this anxiety and it just doesn't want to go away! I was doing so good these last few days too. I have no solutions yet for this no good very bad anxiety day. Except that I will continue to look where I can take action and where I can let go?

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