Monday, June 27, 2016

Summer of Sucess-Week 4

This Summer is going by so fast! This is the last week in July!

Devotional- Today I really wore my heart on my sleeve. I felt impressed to talk to the kids about anger and acting out in anger or frustration. We talked about triggers or what can set the kids off. I asked them where in the scriptures we could find such examples. We talked about Nephi and Laman and Lemuel. There are several examples 1 Nephi 3:28-31.  Laman and Lemuel hit Nephi with a rod and an angel comes down and stops them. 1 Nephi 7. Laman and Lemuel bind Nephi with cords and rebel.  1 Nephi 17. Nephi is commanded to build a ship. His brothers get angry again and Nephi is given power to shock them. 1Nephi 18. Nephi and his family sail on the ship. His brothers bind him and are driven back by a great tempest. All these cases they listened to their anger and to Satan's lies.  I told the kids that when they fight or refuse to help it triggers emotions and feelings inside me. I shared with them how anxious and upset it makes me. I talked about Satan's lies to me that I need to be firm and teach them a lesson. They can't talk to me that way. I felt like a failure as a Mother. I also felt like my house would always be a pigs sty. I told them if I kept believing these lies that I continue in a downward spiral. I told them it wasn't their fault that I felt this way it was mine but I wanted them to know that I am not perfect and I don't expect them to be. I have insecurities and feelings just like them.

My youngest is learning how to dress himself. My first grader worked on addition. He used cars as manipulatives. My 4th grader worked on 3 times tables. My oldest 6th grader is working on his math and time management.

My daughter got her project done on brachiosaurus and triceratops. She did a tri fold poster board. She did it all on her own!

Devotional- I really have been thinking a lot on how we are all in a war with Satan right now. He is attacking us individually and in our families. We need to be ready and prepared to fight and fight relentlessly! We watched this video about the armor of God, which I remember watching in seminary a long time ago. Love the 80's look ha ha! It also has fighting which boys love! Its a great one!
Well I am struggling trying to get much done this Summer but I am beginning to see that it is okay. I don't need to be perfect at it and maybe the kids and I just need a break from a while. We are still very much having adventures in reading.

Putting together the peices of my life

I am a child of God. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a caretaker. I am a perfectionist. To name a few. I am not my depression but it tries to control me. I am not my Fibromyalgia but it also tries to gain control. I am not my families behavior but I am affected by it. I am a complicated mix of roles and emotions. I am stuck in emotional pain that like a faithful dog has followed me since I was a child. I am constantly fighting the fatigue that tries to overtake me. I have realized that I am too hard on myself and I let too many things affect me and I don't want it to anymore. Half the time I don't know what I am feeling and I feel guilty for feeling these feelings. My days are a whirlwind of emotions and events. I keep searching for answers. I hop from one solution to the next like rocks in a river. I am so tired and so lost in this river of hopelessness. The truth is I am falling apart slowly. Slowly I have become a victim to all that surrounds me.

Each person in my family is so different in the way we deal with life and the things that happen to us. In my family there are problem solvers, peacemakers and instigators. There are hot heads and complete introverts. There is organization and disorganization. Every time a problem or crisis happens I want to be there with my cape on and swoop in and fix things. Everyday it is like I carry my tool belt, which to me, is more like Marry Poppins bag, and fix things. I pull out my latest trick in the bag and it works its magic for a brief amount of time. I have to rescue them even if it wears me out! Why? Because I want that control because I don't like the feeling that things are out of control. If only they would see what I see or change their behavior then they would be happier. My fixing became a way to stay in control where really I have no control over anyone except myself. I don't even know what is wrong with me and why I just can't stay happy. I have become resentful of my families needs or my illness which feels like it is controlling my life. I feel guilty not living up to the standards I have set for myself and my family. I think that sometimes I plan my day around whatever I feel the most guilty about. How can all of these roles and emotions fit into such a tiny person huh??

There is no doubt about it I am dealing with a lot. I am better than I was. I have come so far but there is also a long way to go! Maybe somewhere you relate to my rantings? I am always hoping to help someone. My hope is that slowly I can see changes in myself. Good changes. The kind that gives me confidence. I am not very confident or secure in who I am. This is hard to admit but it is true! I am tired of feeling this way.But is not easy to teach an old dog new tricks. I know that I have to do something about it if I want it to change. There are things I have carried with me like gum on a shoe. It is time to scrape it off and leave it alone. I also need to try not to step in anymore gum. I am letting go of things I can't control. That is a lot of things!

Recently I started a 1000 piece puzzle. That is the biggest I have ever done I think. I start a puzzle out by finding all the end pieces and then putting them together. These can be compared to what I feel are the most important areas in my life. This can be anywhere from my core beliefs, pivotal events in my life etc... Then I try to look for pieces that look like they are similar in color or design. This takes a long time because I only have a little bit of time to devote to it. I am patiently waiting to see which pieces of my life fit together. I can't force pieces to fit together and I think that is what I have been trying to do. They just don't fit and I need to keep trying to see what pieces do fit. Moving to my new house several years ago has given me the most answers for my life. All the pieces have been coming together from my diagnosis to my sense of what my mission is and certain people coming into my life at just the right moment. When I look at the puzzle I have been working on it feels like I might never find all the pieces but I find just a few more or sometimes, if I am lucky, full sections. Then I have to figure out where it fits on the end pieces. Each time you have to look at each piece and turn it to see if it will fit or not.  I am trying to do the same thing with my life by asking Heavenly Father to help me and show me the way. Little by little and piece by piece I am receiving those answers.

Piece by piece things are making sense. I have been digging into my past and it has brought up a lot of painful things. I have gone about my life so far broken, but living the best way I could. So much of my illness and depression makes sense now. Maybe it will have less power over me? I am picking up the pieces of my life that I could never make any sense of and I am trying to see where they fit again or if they fit at all. I am learning what defenses I have formed. I am tired of being in a constant state of stress and being flooded by emotions. I am praying and hoping for relief. I am trying to build up my own internal supply of  hope, peace, self esteem and well being that only the savior can bring me. He will give me peace and pieces to make me whole.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Summer of Sucess week 3

This week is definitely off to a better start. We talked about the five love languages and played a little game of guessing which was each persons most important to least important. The 5 love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, and gifts. The kids had a lot of fun trying to guess each others and I feel like we understand each other a little bit more. I realize that we have had a lot of stress and a lot of me not doing well. I am not always able to make sure the kids are doing everything that they are supposed to. This week I wanted to try to understand my kids better and have them understand each other better as well.

Day 1- Devotional- Continue in peace. It is about patience and it is so cute!
Five love language game as mentioned above.

Day 2- Talking about our family if they feel like we are open or closed to change or if they feel like they have a say or not. My hopes in doing this is to see if they feel comfortable at home. Right now we are all trying to get on the same page and find some peace and order. Most importantly I need to RELAX!

We also visited the library and each kid picked something that they wanted to learn about. These next few weeks we will be researching. Then at the end of the month we will be presenting what we learned. We picked up some level one reading books for my First Grader to read and practice. The kids are really excited about this!

Day 3- Worked on their projects

Day 4- Service- Picked cherries and planned our Fathers Day gifts

Next week we will be working more on their projects and keep making goals and working in areas that the kids need the most help. July I hope to work on the constitution and America.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Summer of Sucess Week 2-Goal setting

This week was kind of a bad one. The weather was bad and a lot of my kids were just struggling to keep it together. Sometimes when my kids would like to dig themselves into their own mire or have a bad attitude I feel paralyzed as to what I can do. They are beyond being able to listen to me. Punishments fuel the flames. My counselor has told me to pick my battles but that is so hard! We decided that we were just going to let last week go and start over again this week. There is no blame. It was just a bad week. We did not work on their rooms so this is our goal this week. We have been doing reading writing and Math.

Biggest test of her life so far- This is a great story of putting God first even though she had tests that were very pressing/

Setting goals and managing time- This one has a real great story of a farmer who goes to get hay and finds all these things that need to get done. We talked about how we can make sure we put first things first and keep up on maintenance on our home and ourselves.

Proverbs 3:5-6
¶Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
1 Nephi 3:7
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.
This is my favorite scripture! If we set righteous goals he may not make it easy but he will provide a way that we can do it!

At the end of the week I had them answer 3 questions. I think that we might make a weekly thing!
  1. Last week I did my very best on ______
  2. I think I could have done better on_______
  3. Some goals I have for this week are________
By the end of this month I hope they are making personal, spiritual and physical goals. But I am getting ahead of where they are at.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

What you need to know about people with food allergies

Eating and cooking used to be my favorite thing to do. I started to really jazz things up when I started watching Food Network. I have watched Food network now since 2005. I watched hoping to find recipes to bring joy to my husband and to keep me sane. Now I am no Martha or Julia Child's in the kitchen. I make lots of mistakes. One in particular still makes me laugh to this day. I made my Grandmas tamale pie that she would always make at Christmas time. She is gone now, but her recipes are here to pass down to the next generations. When I made it  I was so excited! I was like a kid at Christmas really. I made the cornmeal and added the meat and tomatoes. Next I poured the spices.  After I did I started to cry when I realized I put too much pepper on it. I don't know how I saw Tablespoon instead of teaspoon! I didn't know how bad things were with my depression but this day was like so many others. I was just so upset and of course crying. Well my sweet hubby ate it anyway and tried to comfort a very inconsolable creature of a wife. We had just had a baby that was very colicky and cried a lot. I was really just beginning to scratch the surface of what was wrong with me. Now that I look back on it I should have gotten help then. Back then food was such a comfort and passion of mine.

Now I feel more like I am eating in a dungeon every day.  I am tortured by the smell of food that can never touch my lips or melt on my tongue. Food is also a very social thing for me. Socially I feel like an outcast when I can't eat anything. People ask why I can't eat this or that but it makes me so sad. It is like asking why someone doesn't have a baby yet when they can't have kids. It is painful to talk about. I don't like talking about it but I do because at least I am being social and people are talking to me. I love being around people and having a good time but I feel like I am in chains the whole time while I am doing it.

Food allergies are becoming more and more common everyday. My youngest still can barely eat anything. He is so itchy and uncomfortable. I worry for him and when he goes to school. Will he sit alone? Food allergies are so isolating. These allergies are so frustrating. They are like a ball and chain. It gets tiring trying to live in a allergy prison. Who wants to worry what they could put in their mouth could be fatal or cause their stomach to ache? Yet that is how it is for me and many others I am finding out. I am like that kid eating alone because I am different. My friends and family don't treat me bad or anything. They are understanding and concerned but this is how I feel regardless.

I was talking with a concerned friend the other day and she told me about one of her grand kids who can't have peanut butter. He can't even be near to it so he sits alone to be safe. Then she proceeded to tell me that it wasn't long before other kids told their parents not to put peanuts in their lunch so they could sit by him. I started to cry. Her words of hope calmed my aching heart. I told her how much I had to opt out of this week because I couldn't do it. Sometimes it really feels like I am eating alone at the table of life. What she said next has been on my mind all week. She said just opt in people into your life and pretty soon they will want to sit at your table.

Again I had been looking at things all wrong. I was isolating myself and pulling myself down. This woman made me feel special and like I was one of the cool kids. It doesn't matter if you are 6, 16 or 36 there is still that need to feel included and feel special. Some times we feel like we have to go it alone. It is better to avoid what is uncomfortable or embarrassing. I put on a brave face and act like I am okay that way. Who am I kidding? Isolating myself is the worst I could do. Yet I still do it. Why is that?

I don't know why I keep battling these inner thoughts day after day. I try to challenge them but they just keep coming back. I have noticed now that if I am in a room I look for other people standing alone. I am drawn to those who are hurting like me. Somehow knowing there are others makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I can leave the dungeon or find cell mates who have the same life sentence of Chronic illness that I do. For those of you who think I like being alone, I don't. Please don't pass me by or leave as a friend. We are alone because we feel like we have to, not because we want to be. When someone is sitting alone or they say they are okay look deeper. Look into their eyes. Look at their posture or what their hands are doing.

I still love food but it is not my passion. I have found other passions. This blog is one and helping as many of you as I can. I know what many woman feel these days. I have been through a lot of pain. I have worked hard a lot. I have forgiven much. I have also let go of a lot. But I still feel deeply and many things are still sensitive for me to talk about. But I want to help. Just thought I would let you know what its like to not be able to eat what you want or do everything you want. I am not ready to embrace the bland foods I eat everyday but I will get there.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Summer of Sucess-Week 1 and the Parable of the GPS

Each summer we try to have a lot of fun but with a lot of learning intertwined. I want them to relax but I finally have them home to mold and shape. Mwahaha Okay I am not Franken-mommy but I do really value this time. We all slow down and melt on those really hot days! Not a fan of those hot days though! I let go of the busy schedules and we just play outside and read, read , and read some more! I start with a devotional each day. We do reading, writing and math every weekday. I am also spending a lot of time ,with my now first grader, learning to read. I found this free website I hope that it will be a good fit for him.We will throw in potty training for my youngest because why not? I really don't like potty training. Not at all!

We started this week off by talking about what the kids were expecting and what I expected. Our devotionals this week all centered around choices. The kids have choices about how they use their time. I want to get our morning routine down because we struggled with it during the school year. I asked what they thought was important in the morning and we wrote those things down. We also talked about our family contributions and maintenance schedule. They need to keep their room tidy and do a chore. I asked them what did they want in there room? Also if they liked the way their room feels. I was pleasantly surprised that they wanted to clean up some areas and get organized! We also set boundaries for how long screen time should be. Basically we are getting ready for the long but relaxing trip that is Summer.

Here are a few of our devotionals this week we talked about super heroes and villains and how they didn't start out being that way. They made choices that led to them becoming who they are.

Watch:wrong roads
The parable of the GPS-
This last devotional is about our spiritual GPS. How we have the scriptures, Holy Ghost and words of the prophets to guide us. We had the opportunity to use a GPS this day. We went to a park that was closed for major construction. The kids were disappointed so I tried to find a new park that they would like on my GPS. Without my GPS I wouldn't know where new parks were and we would have went home disappointed. We went to 3 parks before we found one that the kids hadn't been to and was a good substitute for this other park. At least we didn't have to drive too far but I will admit, even though I had the GPS guiding me, I still doubted if the park it was taking me to was as good as the vision I had in my head. Sometimes we are taken to a place in our life that is "under construction" and we need to rethink where we want to go next. These are like the trials and disappointments in our lives. When we are asked to accept something or take a detour we weren't planning on. Our plan might be different from the Lord's plan. There are many times where we need to be patient and ask for guidance from our Heavenly Father. Then we move forward trust in in him and his plan and timing. It is also important, and bears mentioning, that once we know what we must do, we do it! We act on it even if doubt or opposition comes into our lives or hearts. This was the difference between Nephi and Laman and Lemuel. Laman and Lemual always complained and didn't try to know for themselves and Lehi and Nephi asked and then were obedient no matter what they were asked to do. See (1Nephi 1-8) It was a good lesson for me and the kids.

Next week I really want to focus on the kids setting their own goals. I am learning to do this better so it is kind of fun because we are learning together.