Saturday, December 30, 2017

Lay it out and let it go-Why you should write goals down

The last few posts I have talked about claiming you harvest. Your harvest is what you have been working towards and waiting to grow just for you in 2018! You can watch the video on claiming your harvest on my Facebook page. You can also read about the last 2 posts if you missed them.
1.Claim your harvest for 2018
2.2 ways to clarify what you want

The first step to making our goals and dreams is to C clarify. Get clear on what you want.

Most of us groan when we think about goals. Yet goals are really important. However most of us do not write them down. When we leave them in our minds they take up much needed space in our heads. Goals do no good if they just float around in your head.  Your goals and you stay stuck in your progression unless you write them down. The act of writing on paper we activate the left and right parts of our brain and open it up to be more creative. We have the power to create what we want in our lives. Writing tells our whole body that we are serious and really want this! From our head to our toes kind of tingling wanting it! L in claiming our harvest is laying it out on paper and letting go of things that keep us stuck.

 Writing our goals down is like making a target with a bulls eye. The act of writing them down is like looking ahead and focusing on that target. By writing your goals down it changes your daily focus to those goals more and more. Can you see it happening? Not yet? Just wait! When you write and schedule time for those goals things just happen and resources just show up! So write it down and then take your aim! If you miss that is okay. Failure is part of making goals and claiming the best year ever!

The trick for goal setting is to aim high. This means you dream bigger to start with. After all you want to hit the bulls eye right? You also want to make sure that your bow is in working order. You are like the bow.You can't shoot with a broken bow. So always make sure you are in working order first. Your health, diet and exercise matter in order to fulfill your dreams. Steven R. Covey calls it sharpening the saw.

2% of Americans actually write their goals down.

 That is a lot of dreamers but not very much action. To act you have to remind yourself of what you are aiming for. Remember we talked about clarity? There is no better way to get clarity than to have clearly defined goals. Put them where you can see it. This provides constant reminders of what you want and makes creating priorities much easier. Your goals becomes more concrete and attainable and less like reaching for the stars. You also free up your mind when those dreams aren't floating around in there. More room to dream and create whatever you want.

Most importantly when distractions and obstacles come along that want to keep you stuck you have something like a G.P.S. to help get you there. Knowing what you want gives you power. It empowers you to take the next step. Take away the urgency and perfection from it. This is easier said than done. However, when we are aware that urgency and perfection are modes to keep us overwhelmed and stuck they can lose their power. We can call them out for what they are! Another thing to remember is very few people make it on their first try. We often fail. But with failure we learn to adjust and take aim again. Successful people keep trying after they fail because they actually get closer to their target each time they do. Failure can actually give you needed feedback to move forward and hit your target.

" Goals are no more than dreams being made into reality." Kristianne Rushton
C-Clarity-Be clear on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it
L-Lay it out. Write it down and put your goals in a place you can see. Take away the urgency and perfectionism of it. Just let it be messy. Its like we are digging in the dirt and planting the seeds.
A-Affirm it -State it as a fact. It is like you have already reached that goal and you are living it. Declare it strongly and with energy. That way what you want knows you want it and can find you! I am statements are powerful. I am a clean person. Or I am a healthy person who exercises everyday.
I-Intention.Have a plan of action. Do something small like putting your shoes by your bed so you are ready to go on a walk. Clean a small area and be proud of what you did. Then build on that. Small actions bring about great things.
M-Move towards your goal again with the end in mind(your harvest). Keep moving forward no matter the obstacles and stumbling blocks in your way.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

2 ways to Clarify what you want in 2018

Winter is a time of year to rest, focus on maintenance and get ready for the harvest and new buds of your hard work and nurturing. This process of setting goals can't be rushed. First you have to be clear on what you want for this new year. Not what you don't want but what you truly want. I wanted to go more in detail with each part of CLAIM for claim your harvest.
 C is for clarify. What is this word clarity and what does this have to do with us Moms? What would it feel like to wake up with energy and know what you are going to do today? What would it feel like if you were clear on your goals and not reactive... to whatever happens during your day? What do you really want? Where do you see your self in a year, 5, 10 or at the end of your life? What will really matter? I suggest 2 ways to get clear on what you really want. Clear the fog and get clear on what you are planting for 2018! See the video here

Have you ever driven in fog? It is hard to see the car in front of you. I remember a trip through Bakersfield the fog was so thick we couldn't not travel through it. We had to stay the night until it cleared out. Sometimes we lose our vision and we can't see clearly the path we want to take. This can be caused by too many options, perfection, and fear. What is keeping your vision foggy? To discover our vision again it is important for it to be truly defined and clear. You could ask the questions at the beginning of this post. A few other questions you can ask is what makes you feel alive, fulfilled? What went well last year that you could take care of into next year? Low levels of clarity effects not only our vision but our motivation. It keeps us stuck and paralyzed.

Once you have a vision of what you want. It is time to plant the seeds. These seeds are like your ideas and goals. You don't want to just take seeds and throw them on the ground. Who knows what will grow and where. You have to follow the planting instructions and plant them in rows and with seeds that are the same. It is like this with our goals. You have to be intentional of what you are planting and what will grow. This is where picking a specific area in your life you want to grow and get better works best. Common areas to grow is health, family, finances, spiritual, physical. Another way you can do this if focus on the roles or the many "hats" you wear. For example, Mother, daughter, friends, Spouse and so on.Try to pick only a few areas to work on and take care of. Weeds are bound to pop up. Set backs, lack of motivation, negative self talk, and perfectionism creep up too. When we get better at tending our little garden we can add more the next time because our confidence will have grown along with strong healthy habits and dreams.

Once we let the fog clear and we know what we are going to plant we are well on our way to enjoying a plentiful harvest. It takes some planning and reminding ourselves what we are growing and moving towards. Get some clarity and some clear seeds/ideas to plant and it can be your best year ever!

C-Clarity-Be clear on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it
L-Lay it out. Write it down and put your goals in a place you can see. Take away the urgency and perfectionism of it. Just let it be messy. Its like we are digging in the dirt and planting the seeds.
A-Affirm it. State it as a fact. It is like you have already reached that goal and you are living it. Declare it strongly and with energy. That way what you want knows you want it and can find you! I am statements are powerful. I am a clean person. Or I am a healthy person who exercises everyday.
I-Intention.Have a plan of action. Do something small like putting your shoes by your bed so you are ready to go on a walk. Clean a small area and be proud of what you did. Then build on that. Small actions bring about great things

M-Move towards your goal again with the end in mind(your harvest). Keep moving forward no matter the obstacles and stumbling blocks in your way.
Ecology, Environment, Garden, Gardening, Glasshouse

Friday, December 22, 2017

Top 5 posts for 2017

This year has definitely been ones of challenge and digging deep to be more than my diagnosis and to discover what my message and legacy I want to share with the world is. So many people have brought me to this place of acceptance and discovery for my illnesses and for things that I didn't know but wish I had. That is part of the reason I have this blog is to help others not have to make the same mistakes or to recover quicker. For these people in my life I am grateful. I am grateful to the Lord for being there and guiding me on this new path of so much unknown.

Here is a look back at the posts that meant something to you and I am glad to be a part of your journey. What would you want me to talk about this new year? What matters to you? Anything new or that I should elaborate more?

1.Top post for this year was: The path of healing is a long and joyful journey

2.This was from last year but it had to make the cut: I am the storm

3.How to have the life you want when everything is a mess

4.Something old and something new: old battles and new challenges

5.How to trust when you don't know how

This is still the top blog post of all time.3 ways to bring balance back to life. What do you like about this one? What could I go into more detail on?
Image may contain: plant, nature and outdoor

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Claim your harvest (goals) for 2018

Christmas is almost here! I hope that everyone has been enjoying the joy and light that comes this time of year. I could just do without the cold. How about you?

I came up with a way to hopefully make it through the winter and inspire you to be mindful and ready to jump into 2018. Most of us grumble when we think of setting goals that we aren't going to finish anyway. That is a horrible way to start the new year and guaranteed to start a downward  spiral of guilt and negative self talk. We can't start a journey with our ox already in the mire. Here is how I like to think of it. Amazing things are waiting for you. They are lined up and waiting for you! How does that sound. All you have to do is show up and claim it. Claim what exactly? Your harvest. What you have been working towards and waiting to grow just for you! You can  watch the video on my Facebook page.

What can you do to claim your goals and dreams?
C-Clarity-Be clear on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it
L-Lay it out. Write it down and put your goals in a place you can see. Take away the urgency and perfectionism of it. Just let it be messy. Its like we are digging in the dirt and planting the seeds.
A-Affirm it. State it as a fact. It is like you have already reached that goal and you are living it. Declare it strongly and with energy. That way what you want knows you want it and can find you! I am statements are powerful. I am a clean person. Or I am a healthy person who exercises everyday.
I-Intention.Have a plan of action. Do something small like putting your shoes by your bed so you are ready to go on a walk. Clean a small area and be proud of what you did. Then build on that. Small actions bring about great things.

Alma 37:6
6 Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.
M-Move towards your goal again with the end in mind(your harvest). Keep moving forward no matter the obstacles and stumbling blocks in your way.

I can't wait to finish planting my seeds and see what grows within the next few months. What about you?

Image may contain: plant, tree, flower, outdoor and nature

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Hope, a light through lifes storms

Since Friday my body has ached with a storm on its way. It arrived Monday and it was a tough day for pain and for Depression. Storms come and go. But the ones inside each of us seem to be more intense and longer. Luckily the storm passed and today was sunny. I love when the clouds break through and the sun shines again. Monday was a good reminder for me that I live my life in recovery and I have to use the tools I have to cope and overcome these days. It wasn't long ago that all I knew was darkness and storms. It felt like the clouds would never part. It felt relentless and that I was being pushed down by the darkness and fear.

One day the clouds did part for me. That is not something you forget. Every day it felt like I was drowning and finally on that day of light and hope I could breathe. I could see the light. With a break in the clouds came a breakthrough. It was an instant when hopelessness turned to hope and I turned to the light and bathed in its warmth. I had forgotten what it felt like to let things through especially the love and comfort our Heavenly Father can give us. What I learned was that my thoughts were not my reality and I could challenge them. How many of you feel or have felt like the barrage of thoughts will never stop? That each day will be a struggle and surrounded in darkness and defeat?

Today I was talking to my friend and I had another big breakthrough. Amidst the darkness it is not surprising how alone one can feel. What I didn't realize that this is a belief I still carry with me. Did you get Goosebumps? I know I did when I realized that this limiting belief was something I didn't need anymore and I could let it go! Imagine letting such a heavy burden go! It felt amazing! That feeling that it is all up to me to make things better for myself and others. Ultimately, my efforts and others efforts weren't recognized. I found myself saying I have to clean this house all by myself. I have to change_____ behavior. I have to control and hide my own feelings of inadequacy. Can any of you relate? It felt like a huge weight had been lifted and the clouds of hopelessness parted and hope shone through again. I was able to let go of such negative energy I have carried for I don't know how long.

Do you feel alone? Do you think it is possible to let go of the burdens you carry? What are you carrying that is weighing you down? What can you give to the Savior? You can! He already paid the price and he is standing with open arms. Imagine it! He is right there with open arms waiting for you to ask him to take this burden. Can you feel his love? He must have told me so many times that I wasn't alone but I couldn't hear it or see it.

When I was diagnosed and wondering what to do next there was nothing that I knew of to help me know what to do next. I didn't know that my thoughts were a cage or there was things I had control over. I just want you to know when you come here you can lean on me and learn what you can do. There is hope when you feel you can't make it another day. God knows. I know. Even if you don't know how he can lift that burden find one of his earthly angels who does. Thoughts of hopelessness, darkness despair and feeling alone can be challenged even when in the grips of mental illness. There is a light and beacon of hope that will light your path however dark it may seem. Allow it. Pray for it. You are never alone!
Image may contain: sky, tree, cloud, outdoor and nature

Friday, November 10, 2017

How to trust when you don't know how

No automatic alt text available.

When we are very small and innocent we trust those around us. We unknowingly place our well being, happiness and beliefs in our caregivers power. We put our tiny hands in their bigger, more experienced  hands. This is safety at its best. But what happens when we realize that we are more than just an extension of our parents? We are ready to explore! We are ready to roll over, crawl and eventually walk and see our new world and where are place is in it. We are still unsure and scared but we see our parents outstretched arms and we feel we can do it as long as they are there. This is Trust.

Trust has never been easy for me. I really don't know why. It may have started early on in my life when my birth Mother and Father were deciding whether to keep me or not. I don't know. The issue with trust first came up for me in therapy a few years ago. I felt like such an infant then. I still do. I really didn't know what was happening to me and why certain things kept triggering me. Do you ever feel like you are starting over? Do you feel like nothing is in your control? It is as if you are rolling around on the floor with no idea how to get from point A to point B. I felt and feel like this some days. A little less now that Depression has loosened its grip. I do know that some people in my life acted in ways I didn't like or that I perceived as danger. I wasn't in any danger. But it made me feel uneasy, unloved and not good enough. No one knew, not even me ,my internal dialogue.  At a very young age I felt very unsafe and struggled with big emotions that I learned were bad. I don't know why I saw my world as scary and unforgiving, but I did. It became my subconscious program that played over and over to supposedly keep me "safe". That is our brains job. The more negative and bad things happened to me the more it reinforced this belief deep inside. This happens to all of us. These feeling create beliefs. We all have beliefs that drive our thoughts and behaviors everyday. This is really hard to say because looking back I had great parents that loved me. I had some amazing teachers that encouraged me and helped me with what I now know as anxiety. Eventually, even though it took a while, I made friends at school. I did have neighborhood friends but school was a jungle for me. I think it was third grade that I made some good friends. I never really trusted myself or anyone around me in any lasting way. I have really amazing friends now. I never knew this deep scar about myself until I dug deep into my past and found buried feelings. It started in hopes that it would help ease my depression. I learned through that experience that feelings buried will keep surfacing. They come up over and over. What do you do with such big feelings? Trust!

I realize that I have put up so many walls and in many ways am now just taking my first steps towards healing and recovery. I am taking baby steps into loving myself, trusting others that they won't hurt me and most of all putting all my trust in my Savior. It has been a really rough road but when I picture putting my full trust in someone it is like taking my first steps as I did as a baby. In that moment I know I trusted my parents completely just like my kids did with me. Trust is vital in taking forward motion or opening your heart up to something or someone. Trust is knowing that the bad stuff is behind you and does not define or confine you. It is tearing down the walls and allowing yourself to be loved unconditionally. Who knows you better than our Heavenly Father and Jesus? Even though we cannot see Jesus I know that his arm is stretched out still. To any of us. We just have to take the first step towards him and know that he is there. I begged for help and he did not leave me comfortless. I like to think that he was lining up some pretty amazing things and people that have come into my life over the last few years. That he knew what I needed when I didn't. He knows what you need. All of us!

Some days it is still very hard. Is it hard for you too? The fiery darts of self doubt, negativity, over thinking and fear are all around. When I fall and these penetrate my mind and heart I feel guilty that I am not trusting him fully. How can I trust when I have these thoughts and feelings? Then I remember who I am. I remind myself every day with my morning power hour to pack a powerful punch to the negative. But, when I lose my way and stumble I can picture my Savior there with outstretched arms saying "Its okay that you fell. Get up and try again. You can do it!

I love what Jeffrey R Holland said in General Conference April 2016   "Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever." I know it may not seem like much, but to have someone cheering you on is motivating and propels you to move forward. If you don't know how to trust just start taking baby steps. Pray, study and little by little you will take more trusting steps and strides. Keep taking steps to get where you want to go and trusting in God and his goodness to get you there. I believe in you and want you to believe in you too!

Monday, October 23, 2017

Setbacks and possibilities

This week has been full of set backs. This is something that I have grown used to but still press forward. Why? Why do we push forward even when all the outside forces are combined against us? Why do some of us use our voices to share our story and others sit in the shadows? I have been asking myself these questions and more lately. I have a voice and I am trying to raise it and let everyone know what I know. I can't be quiet even if my blog is still in its infancy. Eventually things grow and that is my hope for happiness blueprint. There is a plan a guide to keep us on the path of happiness and wellness.

My story and your story needs to be told whether you reach the masses or not. Staying quiet only suppresses what is dying to get out. You might be thinking Why me? Why not you? What are we so afraid of anyway? Fear is just an emotion not something to be feared. Win or lose if we gave it our best we have done enough. How do we do this?

Just start! Make room in your life for possibilities and dreams. That space will be filled. I have already been seeing it in my life. Have you noticed things keep falling into place? Things and people fill that space, they line up and help you move your idea forward. If not yet, prepare yourself. The only limits we have here are ones we put on ourselves. Even now I am typing with a brace on my left wrist because of chronic carpel tunnel. My other hand is not as bad. I push through the pain because I love to write. I love to help and share. I always hope that you share my words as well. I used to write because I was sad and felt there was more to my life than to wake up and just do what I could to make it through the day. Most of my time was spent on the couch wishing I was gone from this world or that someone would tell me they have the answers I needed.

I started with an idea that has grown and I believe will continue to grow. Let me give you a visual of the importance of YOUR unique voice. Where we live there is a base near by and the planes fly overhead constantly. It is loud and a big conversation interrupter. What I notice though is people still talk but they talk louder and try to still talk despite the noise. I want you, as many of us, to speak out against the noise in our heads that tells us we are no good or that we can't do it. It is just noise. It can pass and we can again hear our heart and soul speak to us.

I used to write to have something to look forward to. I didn't know if it was just for me or if it would help other people. I just knew it made a little hole in my dark cloud everyday. Now I write for you. I don't want you to suffer needlessly when I have things to help and share. I can help you figure things out years before I did. Pain was and is still my teacher. I still have to make sure I am asking forward thinking questions and not backward thinking ones. The right questions set you up for success.

Let me explain further. Asking questions like why is this happening to me keeps you a victim. It keeps you stuck. That is a backward thinking question because it moves you where?....backwards! Instead you could ask questions like what am I to learn from this? What inside of me needs to grow and develop? That is forward thinking at its best my friend. It keeps you moving forward even if it a baby step idea like maybe there is a way to find happiness everyday? You want to tease your brain to think a little differently and not have it freak out on you and shut down the idea before it has a change to emerge fully and be accepted. Thoughts have power to keep you stuck. Getting lost in your diagnosis or blaming it keeps you stuck. I want to help you get unstuck and use your beautiful voices.God has a purpose for you. He has promised that ALL things shall work together for thy good. This means even the difficult circumstances of our life. Use your voice I will do the same. Together we can look FORWARD to great things.
Image may contain: sky, tree, plant, flower, nature and outdoor

Friday, September 1, 2017

How to give change a chance when dealing with Chronic illness

Summer has come and gone so fast!! I have not written much. Like most, it has been busy but not because I have been hopping around from activity to activity. It has really been a pretty relaxed summer. However I managed to fill it up with reading and listening to different health summits and very little writing. I used to write to figure things out. To get all the garbage floating around in my head out and on paper. I went through the victim why me stage to actually starting to figure a few things out now. Then getting impatient because nothing was changing.Nothing, as far as I could see anyway. But things have been changing so slowly.

Change is a process and when I accepted that I realized all of my discovery process was necessary part of my healing journey. True not much has changed, except me! Just imagine I have been locked up in a cocoon all summer and now I am emerging ready to fly on what I now know and wish I would have known before. Every part of my story feels more like a teaching tool then me being beat down, defenseless and overwhelmed. How many of you walk around frazzled and overwhelmed by all you have to do? It is a trap! Don't fall for it! What about your motivation and energy to live and love your life no matter what?

I have to be clear about something. My transformation is still happening. But I can't stay in a cocoon all my life. It is not meant to shut out all people and life experiences. It was more to give me a focus, direction for the rest of my life. I was really working on my mindset and reprogramming my brain. This can also take a lifetime as well. But, I have started the shift away from what I used to do, be and think.

Every morning I woke up excited to learn and borrow other peoples brains for a while. To get out of my head and not force anything. What happened? Something amazing! I created my power hour and my 10 year wellness plan. It took a while to get into this mess and it will take a while to get out of it! But I do see that I can have all I want and more! You can too! My family and I are just making little shifts. Little shifts toward greater peace of mind and happiness.

As I started to learn more I shed more of the things I didn't need and I tried not to fight my body wanting to do this. As I did this emotionally and physically I started wanting to get rid of all the junk in my home. One day I woke up and my kids had caught the decluttering bug too. They cleaned up their floors and under their beds. It is amazing to me to think of how much I was trying to force. When I relaxed things just happened on their own!

 I notices other great things. I had more energy. I was cleaning up a storm and eating and staying full and not feeling bloated. So I know it is possible to have what I want and that my body knows what it wants. When I listen and give my body what it needs then it can heal itself! Our bodies are really amazing! Remember God created us after his own image and likeness. He created us to be happy and it is our natural programming. So there is no need to really search for happiness because it is in us. We just have to re program and make sure to listen to the right voices and stay in the drivers seat.

It really feels like I have gone back to school. There is so much I didn't know!Everyday I was not in control and that is what made me feel out of control, fearful and overwhelmed. Who is driving in your life? Are you in turmoil inside your body or is your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual self all in balance?

The dread of everyday is gone. The amazing part is that my circumstances haven't changed.......yet.;) I am still trying to learn about what is making me sick and my food is the same. But I do not feel stuck or that I will never feel better. I visualize the life I want and go for it! !10 years is a long time to wait to be well but it also gives me enough time to heal and help my family do the same. I want to help you too! Take one little step and make a small, measurable change. Don't let that perfection bug get you! Focus on the process and the movement forward. Even if it is small and nothing seems to be changing. It is always an inner struggle and change before it can manifest itself in other aspects of our lives.

I still want to be real with you and share the ups and downs because this change is hard. It takes patience, kindness to yourself and others, and time. Lots and lots of time. You don't want to miss what your wellness journey is trying to teach you. You can get so much out of the trails and leaps of faith and to know that God feels you are ready. So be ready! Ready to jump in, explore and learn as much as you can. Then share it and things will happen! I have seen it in such a short time. It can happen wherever you are. Whether in the depths of despair, depression, diagnosis or on the rise. Your happiness blueprint is inside you!

Monday, June 5, 2017

How to have the life you want when everything is a mess

How often do you think about your food and how it is broken down each and every day? Our bodies are amazing! Digestion is a process of breaking down food and making it into a substance that the body can use. It takes about 6-8 hours to fully digest and break everything down. That is a long time. It can't be rushed but it can be sabotaged. The truth is we don't really give our bodies the proper time to digest or eat all the nourishing food that it needs.

We digest not only our food but digest our daily life. Each day events happen and we try to process it the best we can. We feel feelings and store memories and thoughts as we try to break down those events.Some things and some foods are really hard to digest. Lately digestion has been something that I have been trying to improve because I have extremely poor digestion. Proteins and carbohydrates are harder to digest. Events that evoke stronger emotions are also harder to digest. Food that I eat is not being fully digested because of the damage to my gut. I realize to that I am not digesting all of life because my mind and heart have been damaged. This damage occurs when eating what we shouldn't and thinking negative thoughts and focusing on what we don't want instead of what we do.

To start focusing more on what I want in my I have been doing daily affirmations.These affirmations have definitely helped me see what can be but there is still so much conflict inside because of what I have been conditioned to believe for most of my life. That is, that stress and everything go together. That chaos is all around because that is what I often feel. I have often compared my emotions to a wave or tornado, and even a tsunami. All of these are things out of control and fiercely strong and torrent. I resist this conflict with all that is in me and wish it would just go away. Not that all of it would change, only I wish that too, but that I can see it differently and accept when my hands are tied as far as what is in my control. Nephi is a great example of not praying for his situation to change, even if he was bound by cords, but to be strengthened. I have been trying to figure out that connection to really accepting and being strengthened, rather than pushing it away or being fearful that things will never change. This is not just with my illness but relationships and things about myself too.

 Do you ever feel like there is so much to do in our lives and with ourselves, but no way to keep up? This way of thinking adds to our inner chaos and stress. We become our worst enemies by what we tell ourselves.I know because I learned that overwhelm was a state of living for me.We live in a fast paced world. We are so stuck in being busy. The gas is always on and our tanks are on empty. We have check lists and to do lists. We are productive alright but paying the price emotionally and physically. We are in a hamster wheel and it is hard to get out.

Just this week I  finished getting the kitchen clean and all I wanted was to take a shower. When I came out there was dishes and messes. I felt the "why me" creep into my mind and out of my mouth and tears welled up in my eyes. Some days the piles of dishes and laundry are enough to keep me in my bed most of the morning. The dread of "too much" and the emotional rollercoaster this can evoke is very real. Why does it all keep piling up? I want to just forget about it but so much begs for my attention. There is no doubt that it can feel like survival mode. That is a program my body knows all too well. Stress. Adrenaline. Feeling like a victim. Yes, those were my daily thought patterns. Peace has come more than it has in the past but it still can seem elusive in the heat of the moment or in frustration that the children won't help or make more messes. I keep thinking "don't they know I am sick.....Victim........or I can't do it by myself......victim, again. This is not good and it has to stop! Who is with me?

 Whose mess is it really? Is it more the outside mess or the inside mess that troubles us the most or both? So much to do and not enough energy to do it with. It has me questioning why all this inner and outer conflict? I cannot change someone so why do we see something that needs changing and someone else sees nothing? My kids have told me that they are fine with their rooms the way that they are. They are fine but I get all tied up inside.What am I missing here? This is all hard for me to digest and I just want to scream!

What we feel on the inside is mirrored in our outside world. I feel the conflict in me and in my family members too. Too many demands and no time for ourselves. We are doing the best we can but it feels like we are just balls of frustration and when we bump into each other we get even more of a charge and ignite. We become more scared, frustrated and out of control. I think it all comes down to this wish that things would be different than they are and not knowing how to enjoy this season in our life. This busy, crazy and messy time. It is too much to digest and consume all at once.Things keep breaking and so do we as we try to keep up. Who is in charge here anyway and why do we keep going when everything is saying slow down or stop? When we keep going and do not address the wounds that all this chaos is creating, then it is like we are putting a band aid on it and just keep going.We have no choice but to keep going.

Again Nephi had the right idea. To pray for strength. Nephi and his family were in the wilderness for years and they didn't know when they would stop and settle. I know the feeling! But Nephi knew the Lord would provide a way to accomplish all the Lord wanted them to do but that it wouldn't be easy. We can call upon that power and receive it. I have felt it. It is much harder to do when the problems keep showing up and we can't get a breath in otherwise or when they intensify and shake our very frames and crack our foundations.

Nephi demonstrates time and time again the importance of prayer. With prayer we can stand strong, knowing who we trust. Its knowing when to take a deep breath and do something or knowing when to not do something and take a break. This is really hard because even if you manage to catch a break somewhere you know that the mess is still there, waiting and growing. Right? Sigh. It makes it hard to enjoy a break. It is all what you put your FOCUS on! Things get out of balance and things get left or lost in the cracks. Usually the first to go is time you have for yourself. Your mental an emotional energy is all on fixing problems and stress will become chronic and overwhelm you. So how do we know when to keep walking and going the distance and when to pitch our tents and seek nourishment and replenish. How do we know when we get enough to keep going?

It is unsettling to be always moving but not knowing when we will get to that peace or become what we are trying to become. I get that it is a  process and a journey but how do you enjoy the journey when you are so weary? It takes time and learning to set priorities. If you don't know what should be a priority ask, PRAY! Redefining what is a priority can bring clarity when you are not sure what to focus on.The hardest step in all of this is to let things go that aren't high on your priority list. You are juggling a lot of duties and expectations. Make sure the ones that drop out are the right ones and not your sanity, because then they all fall! Taking care of your needs is not selfish it is a necessity! Learn to recognize when you are about a half a tank and refuel. Ditch the guilt that you should be doing other things. Pray for strength and keep going. You will be able to digest and fully absorb all that life has to offer when we change our focus and let go of the to do's and busyness. We are changing our inner vessel even if nothing else changes in our outer world. But the way we see and interact with our outer world will change. The way we see our lives and what they can be will change. End result-we get more of the life we want and imagine we can have!

Thursday, May 18, 2017

The path of healing is a long and joyful jouney-week 2

I used to think that I had no control over what I thought. This very thought alone is depressing and so limiting. No wonder I had so many feelings of hopelessness and being stuck. I was! So many of us walk around feeling hopelessness and victimized by our circumstances. Most of us do not realize how much we are limiting ourselves and what we really can do!I am happy to realize now, that this belief of having no control isn't true! I am not a victim of circumstance and neither are you!!! Of course like most of the paths of change we tread, it is bumpy and fraught with obstacles to overcome. How can we learn differently after a decade of holding on to so much pain and negative patterns?When I first started thinking that there was a way out of negative thinking, a couple of years ago, I was told to do positive affirmations. I tried them but my brain fought back like a petulant toddler and I only did it for a short while. I felt silly and I gave up. That is what most of us do if things aren't working. That is not to say that this is a bad thing. We are progressing and we need to be ready. Sometimes we just aren't ready and need to sit a little longer in the thought that change is possible. We also get a new tool to put into our emotional tool box. I definitely was not in a place a year or two ago where I really could use this new information. Why? Because it is new programming and our minds don't want to change they want to stay the way they are, even to our own detriment, because that is what they are used to.

 I know now I am on a different path though, to feel and do things differently. Just recently I started meditating to mange stress and to heal and let go of so many things I have been carrying. I don't really get into all the energy and vibration aspect of it. The deep breathing is delicious to me and so are the feelings of release. I didn't know that if we do not resolve a negative emotion we store it in our body, in our tissues, and the body and mind builds on this negative thought. It somehow convinces us that we are going to die if we think these negative things. This causes us to depress these emotions and it is no wonder that depression manifests itself if we keep denying these emotions and needs. They are stored and a subconscious program is created. We add to it and it becomes so natural to think these thoughts that eventually we go on auto pilot and keep living our lives. These thoughts tell us its not safe which sends out those fight or flight hormones. Then those hormones affect your blood sugar and blood pressure and your body continues to be stressed and unhappy because of all the baggage you are holding onto! Your frontal area of the brain is also sabotaged. Pretty soon you have multiple diseases. You feel stuck and scared and the cycle continues.That is the short of it. I am not saying this is the only way that disease is created or that a baby born with cancer brought it upon themselves. Not at all. It is just life. I am saying that there are things we do that our body doesn't like and tries to tell us. It is at a "dis-ease" inside. The idea is that we do not feeling at ease inside our bodies, whether, it is physical, emotional or mentally. Our bodies, which are a gift from God are screaming at us

My mind has been blown away by what I have been learning! As I mentioned before I have been meditating and doing positive affirmations. I say things like I am or I have. I recently discovered the ones that Loiuse Hay has put on you tube and I am pleasantly surprised at how my mind and heart is responding! I never realized how I was creating such thoughts of fear and scarcity in my body. My body felt like it was in survival mode and I didn't know when I would be safe or have enough food because of not being able to eat anything or even if I would have enough money. These ideas are new to me but they are creating such a stir and energy that I can't ignore or forget where all of this comes from, My Heavenly Father. He wants me to be happy and feels I am ready for this kind of growth, or so I hope.;)

Now I feel I am really getting to the root of things and ready for healing. I may not be cured in the physical sense but I can be at peace and heal in a spiritual emotional sense. You can tell that you are getting to the root of your pain by the feelings of relief and accepting what comes into your mind and also being willing to learn from it. I am healing from my past and so is my body. I never realized what I was carrying and what was influencing my action and my thoughts. We all have unresolved emotions and thoughts from our past.My root and cause of some if not all of my fatigue and disease is fear! Fear of unresolved feeling and trauma. My beliefs and behaviors became dominated by lack and scarcity. I didn't love myself or my aching body. That was it! I had caused this by making my problems the problem, when really it was how I responded to it, my attitude toward the problem.It was how I let people and situations have all the control. I truly believed I was the victim because that is what I learned as a child. I believed that tension and love went together. That I am not good enough. How can I truly love others as the Savior taught, if I can't even love myself? It was easy and normal for me to blame my parents or others for my problems and circumstances. It is so much harder to admit that I do not love myself and am not talking very nicely to myself most of the time. God loves me and he loves you and that is a thought that needs nurturing and to grow. I know as it grows so does all things good that come from it. We have to make room for this thought in all the confusion, fear and static.

This need to understand my inner dialogue has intensified and I have tried to make big changes really quickly. That of course ended in failure and me feeling like a victim and overwhelmed, and of course, more negative self talk and criticism. What I learned was I needed a more solid foundation to stand on first. I decided to journal and just sit with this idea and process that I could change. I prayed to know I was loved and what I should do. Within a month I was saying I love and accept myself and All is well. I felt a pull and a shift to heal and let go of things. Simple but powerful. I began to build on the foundation that God loved me and wants me to be happy. He wants me to rise above being a victim and to make lasting changes and have vibrant health. He wants us to think and act as he does. There is no surer foundation and exemplar than Christ and his gospel. I have always known that, but my grasp of it, has grown. If you do not know that with every tingling part of your body then I would challenge you to come to that knowledge and belief. Watch it grow and enjoy all the small but delightful changes and love that come your way. Change is only a Christ like thought away! Start small and let it sink in and really take root inside your heart. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings and I wish the same for each of you!

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

The path of healing is a long and joyful journey-week 1

I have been trying to heal for sometime. Why? Healing takes time. It is so hard and frustrating and progress is slow.Any of you on a healing journey my heart goes out to you because it is a hard path to take. But if you have a strong enough reason why you want what you do, then it can be enough to keep you motivated and moving. Each of us are different but all of us want a healthy happy life. For those of us healing from chronic illness the road we walk can seem uneventful and limited. I am here to tell you the path to healing has numerous possibilities. It does not define us.Some paths come to a dead end and others appear. My current path is not always very clear. I knew that I wanted to find lasting happiness and be rid of my depression. I also wanted to find more lasting results to my Fibromialgia.

If you are the type to do your research, like me, you most likely feel overwhelmed by any or all the changes you have to make. I have had too many paths open up lately that I have been confused on which to take. I do know that asking God is my best way to know if I am on the right path or not. James 1:5-6 tells us that if any of us lack wisdom let him ask of God. We have to ask! We also have to be faithful and trust that those answers will come. As I wait for guidance I still have a choice to make. Which path will I choose? Maybe I am just afraid to take a new path that took me away from the familiar? I chose to stay on my current path and look for opportunities to change if I wanted to or felt impressed to. The events over the last few weeks has altered my path considerably.

Here is what has been happening.I went into the doctor because I was out of some medications, which I hate to be taking, but right now that is my only option. I did some more lab work and left feeling more confused and hopeless than ever. I also met with a functional doctor and he wanted me to invest in his program and supplements and told me I was seriously sick. He said on a scale of 1-10, 10 being death I was a 7 or 8. I felt hope that he could fix many things that my conventional doctor would just medicate, but it still didn't feel right. I have been feeling for sometime now that I need to be an advocate for my health but I didn't know how. That is when I went on the internet like I always do and started to get more ideas of what was out there. I knew that my stomach and digestion was in trouble so I decided I would stick to my diet but eliminate carbs except for veggies. I did this so I could get rid of candida. I knew I had that because of oral thrush and other symptoms. Goodbye corn and Costa Vida!!! I also added coconut oil and green smoothies with spinach and cucumbers a couple times a day. I started that on the 28th of April. Then the insomnia kicked in. I couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep. I drink a ghi shake during the day and I decided to move it to the evening to help me stay full and my blood sugar not to drop. I figured that is what was keeping me up. I was hungry! I am always hungry!!

The next step was besides to starve them was to kill them! Drop a bomb on them! Those succors has to die!!!! It was my body after all!!! I went into the health food store after reading about natural antibiotics and bought some oil of oregano. When I got home I felt sick and tight in my stomach and I no longer felt like oregano was a good option. I decided to look more on the internet and I am glad I did because I probably would have killed them but them the toxins they released would overwhelm my almost sluggish liver and exhausted adrenals. So my once clear path seems less clear yet again but I kept looking at what others had done and was set on starving all pathogens I could. I also started putting himaylan salt in my water because I knew my electrolytes were low from lab results.

It has been a week and I have had one really good day on Tuesday. I felt good I mediated. I wrote and I went outside and did some Sun salutations and some grounding with my bare feet. I talked with a neighbor and had a great time visiting and enjoying the sun after a full week of rain. She gave me a book called Cleanse and purify thyself by Richard Anderson. I was excited to read it. The next day I had plenty of time to read it because I had no energy at all!The next day and the next was the same. I was too tired to do anything. I must have done too much. It is hard when feeling good is such a rarity to not live it up but you must know what you will be sacrificing if you do too much! Sometimes I just take that chance and hope you won't crash and burn. It is a chance that I took. I used to say I was suffering for it but I feel the pull to heal and that day was healing for my soul and heart so it was worth it!

My focus and possibly a whole new path has changed from focusing so much on my diet to listening to my body and ask why I hurt where I do? What is my body telling me? I also started to do that with my emotions. Just within a couple of days of being more aware I have felt more hope and felt more loving toward myself and my body than I ever have!! It is still a challenge when I am stressed or triggered by something that brings me back to my childhood trauma. Wheather can kick my butt! It is taking all the mental exertion I have to stay aware and in control of my thoughts and emotions.

The biggest lesson I have learned  is that these paths that open up are not always ones you will take but these paths let us know there is hope and other options out there and this has been huge! I am all in! I know that I will be guided where to go and make decisions for my health whatever they may be. I keep walking and trusting and increasing in strength and trust. Even though the changes are slow and almost unnoticeable things are changing I feel the pull to better health and vibrant living. This is true whether I am lying down or standing in the sun doing some yoga. ;)

Now it is your turn.Here is how you know if you are experiencing an inner change:
1.Old habits and thinking no longer make sense
2.You are veracious for knowledge
3.Opportunities are opening up
4.Desires for change are increasing

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Somethings old and something new-old battles and new challenges

Hi there! It has been a while since I have written. I am alive still but living on a prayer! Really!!! I feel that there is so much that I need God's help with right now. I am constantly trying to check in with prayer and see how I am doing and feeling. We had General Conference  just a few weeks ago and like always it filled my soul and buoyed up my faith. I know that faith cane be built upon by our experiences. When we have a faith promoting experience we can remember it. That is why General Conference is so powerful for me.

 I also felt like there was some really good challenges issued. First, Russell M Nelson issued a challenge to read everything in the scriptures about the Savior. He said to go to the topical guide under "Jesus Christ" and to read the subtitles. President Thomas S Monson issued a challenge to read the book of Mormon everyday and ponder on them. I have been trying to help my children get in the habit by reading a verse a day. Keeping it simple and getting them used to daily promises that will help them stay strong and righteous the rest of their life. We want the end result that often tines we forget about the work we must do to get where we want to be spiritually.

I like these kind of challenges. Challenges that help me become stronger. It is harder when you are experiencing a challenge that you don't want and are not sure how you will make it through. You just want someone to take it off your shoulders. Challenges are faith building if we are humble and ask the Lord for help. Then he guides you little by little.

I have been searching and searching for answers. I have read so many people claiming to have found  a cure for what ails them. For a while I thought that I was on my way to wellness. But it is a slow progress if any. I had to take a break from research and writing my book this week. I felt like I was going to go crazy! I just have been trying to enjoy our spring break. It is colder than I would like for Spring but we had a few good weather days. We went to an amazing park one of the days. It was huge! Here are some pictures from the Veteran Memorial Park in West Jordan.
Image may contain: outdoor Image may contain: 1 person, sitting, sky and outdoor

Image may contain: people sitting and outdoor Image may contain: sky and outdoor

I crashed on Sunday after such a busy week. On the diet and health front is not so great to report. That is probably the biggest reason why I  haven't been writing. I don't want to be boring or whiny, but I also feel like part of this blog is about my continuing journey, so I am taking a chance and sharing it. It is ever changing just like our weather. I am still losing a lot of weight not in a good happy way. To give a little background of 10 years of health issues. I was about 115 pounds when the stomach pains started again. This was after I had been off gluten for about 3 years. I thought that would fix it all. After the birth of my son and finding out, to my horror, that he couldn't eat hardly anything, I went on the same diet he was on until I could wean him off of nursing. Then after he was weaned I celebrated for like a week eating whatever I wanted except gluten, I discovered the stomach pains returning. My doctor took me off of dairy and that snowballed over the years into taking more and more out of my diet. Things are getting worse and new diagnosis are popping up like annoying pimples! I have had many struggles with my newest diagnosis of Premenstrual  Dysphoric disorder (PMDD)It makes my normal depression seem like a rabbit in comparison. It is a severe a disabling form of pms. I felt like I was making progress but am back to broth and chicken and a select veggies. I cook broth and chicken every four days. Ever heard of Gaps diet. It is not where you get to go shopping at the gap and eating a smoothie or something. What about low Fodmap? I feel like and intestinal zoo and no way to cage these animals! I think my stomach still hurts because of SIBO (Small intestinal bacteria overgrowth) but I haven't been tested yet, so I won't know for sure until I do.I have also been trying to get my family to eat less gluten because of some suspected sensitivities I have noticed with the kids but it is a challenge. Most of our snacks are now gluten free though. Its a lot to handle just with mine and my little boys health as a full time job. That is only covering the fuel we put in our bodies. We still are trying to mesh all of our unique mental health needs and strong personalities. Someone please help me!!! It was a nice spring break but I can't  keep this pace up!!!

It feels like I am a one woman band. I am carrying all these things around and trying to manage them. Instead of them sounding melodious and harmonic they sound dissonant like I threw them all up in the air and let them come crashing down. Bang. Boom. Bong. Crash! I don't know how to play these instruments individually let alone at the same time! I am not sure what to do first. I want to focus on my kids and husband but my health keeps throwing me off. Then I am forced to focus on my health instead of a guide and help to my family. That is my visual for overwhelm.Feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed are feelings that I feel often despite not wanting to. What is a girl to do? Keep trying because that is what I do even if the odds are against me. That's me living on a prayer and doing what I have to do to survive!

Monday, March 6, 2017

I am the storm

I have had mixed feelings about this week. It started out with me trying the Gaps diet again. All I am doing is making broth and eating soup. My stomach has been hurting so bad and I want to cry that I can't eat anything again! Seriously! What is going on body? Do you hate me this much? It certainly feels like it. I am constantly in fight or flight mode with this beautiful mess of a life I live. I know its not good for me but I don't know how to handle the stress. Stress feels like a tornado. How do you handle a tornado? Get out of the way and find cover, or run for your life! How can I hide from all of this? There are days when it consumes me body and soul. It is ripping so much away from my life. I want to eat things but I can't. I want to clean my house but I can't. I want to help my children with issues they are going through or might go through but I am limited in what tools I can give them. I have cried and acted so irrationally that I feel so alone. I know that God is there and loves me but sometimes I just need more. Can't people read my mind? I wish. I really wish. I don't want to call and cry or admit to how I feel like a lost child who just wants their mommy. Pathetic but it is true, My house is so out of control and the kids must be feeling extra stress too because they seem off and prickly to each other and to me. They make life worth living and I fight for them. This life is not easy but whose is really?

I was thinking back to this month and there were so many storms and pressure changes.  This girls skin is on fire! I guess I am feeling a little like a mess and just like my house, I get so overwhelmed with it all. I cry and wish I could just find answers!! My latest quest besides practically starving to death is to look into thyroid issues. My gut tells me that the blood work isn't picking up on my distress. It really feels like my body is sending messages, no more like screaming at me. Just look in my face and you can see the pain and anguish. You can hear the agonizing heart breaking pleas of what do I do? What more can I do.? The storm is all around me but if I listen I hear "Be still and know that I am God." He is there. It is not a matter of not knowing that. He is who I turn to every day. Maybe I need more reminders around me to keep my mind focused and less torrent and violent inside?

 I have never felt more of a push to be my own advocate with my health. I am like a walking autoimmune advertisement but no one seems to pick up on my signals or how much I need help. I'm so tired of saying that I can't do something. I have tried to accept it but these feelings tonight are too strong and bleeding onto this post. I don't know how to ask for help when I need so much! The kids friends come over and I watch their eyes as they see the extent that this illness has affected me. I need miracles and energy that I just don't have and keep digging to find. I am overwhelmed again! Stressed and scared that my body is shutting down. I know I have to take baby steps but what if even those are too big right now? I just needed to vent because it is how I figure out how I am really doing. Maybe you can relate or feel less alone. I know that these feelings and thoughts are lies but there are days when the gusts are too strong to stand. There is nothing I can do! I keep going! I do! I keep moving against the pain. I keep searching for answers on my knees and anywhere I can. I am the eye of the storm and raging on. Please calm the winds and let me see clearly again.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Life is like a box of crayons

I was reading a talk this morning Knowing when to persevere and when to change direction by Janet G. Lee. I never know when something is going to prick my mind and heart so that I ponder on it again and again. This talk did just that to me. I love the stories that are told and then how they tie it into a gospel principle. Janet did just that and now I want to add it to my coping strategies and to read on those really hard days. Do you have quotes or talks like that? No matter how many times you listen or read them they speak peace to your soul.

I am not always weighed down with worry everyday but I am almost always tired and aching, especially this time of year. This limits what I can do on a given day. You can say I only have a few options available to me and that can be very frustrating. It means walking by messy rooms and not being able to clean them. It means saying no to things I really want to do. It means prioritizing and sacrificing. It also means resting when I want to be tackling my long list of to dos. For example. yesterday we traveled and saw some fun things but today I am exhausted so my house and other things are put on the back burner. That is okay, mostly, unless I start to get frustrated and worry someone might come over and see the mess. Energy is a precious commodity for me and once it is gone then I only have certain options available. Making the most of what I do have available is a slow process and frankly I don't always accept it.

Here is where Janet's talk spoke volumes to me! She starts out telling a story about her 5 year old daughter going to register for Kindergarten. Her daughter was offered a box of crayons and to pick her favorite color but she just stood there. Her mother knew her daughter could write her name so she was surprised at this response. After several attempts from the teacher to have her pick a crayon she wouldn't do it. Janet wondered why and her daughter said "The teacher said to choose my favorite color, and there was no pink crayon in the box"

I have never thought of my life this way. The pink crayon is like my energy. When it is gone I still have other colors to use. I just really want to color with the pink though and that makes me paralyzed and my thoughts very negative. Janet says " How many times are we, as Heavenly Fathers children immobilized because the choice we had in mind for ourselves just isn't available to us, at least not at the time we want it"

Is my progress halted because my health is almost always missing from the box of life? It is not in y control and definitely not something I would pick for myself. Yet everyday there are some crayons missing and it makes it so hard! I could continue to pout or stay in bed or watch T.V to pass the day away, convinced that my options are bleak and colorless. Instead I have to color my life with other colors. It can be beautiful and different but that is okay. Some one else was touched by Janet's daughters story and they wrote to her saying

"I don't have all the colors of crayons I want-but I do have all the colors I need. When I need new or different colors in my life, Heavenly Father will make sure that I have them. I know he will never give me a challenge beyond my reach or beyond the tools he has given me to work with. I also know that the challenges and trails I have are in reality blessings, and I will be better and stronger for having gone through them."

I want to feel differently than I do. I would like to have all the answers but that may not happen in this life. Many of you may not be ill but be waiting for the perfect partner , job or profession. These crayons may not be available to you.But I do know that Heavenly Father is there. He hears are prayers and he will not leave us comfortless and our life colorless and devoid of meaning and joy. There are some hard lessons to be learned that I or you would not pick. Illness and death are very tough pills to swallow but the sooner we do the sooner we can look for new colors and new opportunities in life. Until then I am going to scribble and color with what I have and stop looking for what I don't. Life is beautiful. At leas for today I am coloring and seeing the picture clearly. I do hope that my pink crayon is back tomorrow.When our life is over and we have endured and made use of all we do have, then we will have it all back. It will be like getting a new box of crayons with all the colors we could want or need! I can't wait!!

Thursday, February 16, 2017

A new year and a new perspective

I have to be honest. Lately I have found it difficult to write anything. Call it writers block but I think it has been discouragement. See I was hoping for a lot of things to be different and they aren't. Where am I going wrong? I thought I would get an idea if I started by looking over last year. The floodgates opened!
I can't believe 2016 is over! This year was definitely a tough one but I learned something about myself. It was tough because I wouldn't accept my life as it is now. It was tough because I am at war with my thoughts and body. I learned despite the many set backs that I am a fighter! You can tell you are a fighter when nothing changes in your life, as far as, your symptoms go, yet you want to keep trying. The things I fought for was mostly a matter of control over some small shred of my life. I fought guilt of not being who I used to be. I relied so heavily on how people treated me. My self esteem was so low. I had no passion for life other than to survive. As great as it is to fight at some point you get tired of fighting. I want to surrender. I just want to be happy despite all the things that are out of my control. This hope has felt out of my reach for so long. I would have good days but then something would happen to sink me into despair again. It felt like someone or something was messing with my mind just to see me squirm. Everyday felt like an experiment. Satan was succeeding in keeping me distracted and worrying and fighting for the wrong things. What I want to surrender to is Joy. I want to feel joy during my pain. I need to be taught.

January is always a tough month. It has been very wet and bitter cold here. I do not like to be cold it makes me hurt more and I can never seem to get warm enough. The magic and excitement of Christmas is gone with the decorations. It all happened so fast I couldn't even keep up with my blog for 25 days closer to Christ Christmas. I left out a little Christmas tree and our box with our new gifts to the savior as a reminder of what to focus on. Our family wants to focus more on the Savior. We did keep doing the light the world challenge. I have been thinking of all the wonderful things that we did. I thought it would be great if we could keep doing little things each day from that same challenge. I know I am not the only one out there who struggles in the winter. I did discover that some people do better in the winter like my friend who has MS. I could bare it a little longer for that reason. Winter is also a great time to look inward and plan for the months ahead.

I have been trying to keep in mind thoughts of moving forward. On the first Sunday in January we had the perfect lesson to start this year off right! Gordon B Hinckley said it so perfectly!

"This is a season to be strong. It is a time to move forward without hesitation, knowing well the meaning, the breadth, and the importance of our mission. It is a time to do what is right regardless of the consequences that might follow. It is a time to be found keeping the commandments. It is a season to reach out with kindness and love to those in distress and to those who are wandering in darkness and pain. It is a time to be considerate and good, decent and courteous toward one another in all of our relationships. In other words, to become more Christlike."

I tend to want to take giant steps to success but I tend to stumble and fall and fail. I think the trick to feeling more joy is to take baby steps each day. Some days it might feel more like crawling. As long as we keep moving forward. I will surrender to the Savior on the days where I might have to let him carry me and help me fight the depression when I feel myself start to struggle. Does this sound familiar to any of you? I don't have much control but I don't want to feel out of control either. I really feel in surrendering I can let go of unrealistic expectations and feel less like a failure. It is a new perspective this year. It is a chance to reach out to more people in kindness and the knowledge I have gained over so many years. Who knows how to recognize who is wandering in the darkness more than someone who fights it daily. It shouldn't be such a big aha moment for me that what we focus on matters ,yet it is! I have a choice. You have a choice.Like Nephi ,who was bound by his brothers on the very ship they didn't think he could build , I will try to praise the Lord all day long. He could have cried why me? Why can't my brothers change or that I can be free from these cords? But he didn't! He focused on God even in great emotional and physical pain.1 Nephi 18:15-16

15 And it came to pass that we were about to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea. And after we had been driven back upon the waters for the space of four days, my brethren began to see that the judgments of God were upon them, and that they must perish save that they should repent of their iniquities; wherefore, they came unto me, and loosed the bands which were upon my wrists, and behold they had swollen exceedingly; and also mine ankles were much swollen, and great was the soreness thereof.
 16 Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions.
So just to recap. I am going to keep fighting but not for control but to keep my thoughts on spiritual things. I am going to enjoy as many good days I have despite the weather and pain and the Lord will help me. I am going to try to notice those who need help and be kind in all my relationships. I am going to ditch big goals for baby steps forward. I will accept my limitations with joy and trust in him who suffered all things. When we feel no one knows what we are going through, let us remember someone does! He is merciful and kind. He does not want us to feel guilt or despair but joy in our afflictions. Whether they be many or a few. Don't forget to be kind to yourself and take your time with your goals. Make sure it is something small so you can have success and more joy! More joy and peace. Thank you for visiting today and I will try not to be such a stranger.