Monday, March 6, 2017

I am the storm

I have had mixed feelings about this week. It started out with me trying the Gaps diet again. All I am doing is making broth and eating soup. My stomach has been hurting so bad and I want to cry that I can't eat anything again! Seriously! What is going on body? Do you hate me this much? It certainly feels like it. I am constantly in fight or flight mode with this beautiful mess of a life I live. I know its not good for me but I don't know how to handle the stress. Stress feels like a tornado. How do you handle a tornado? Get out of the way and find cover, or run for your life! How can I hide from all of this? There are days when it consumes me body and soul. It is ripping so much away from my life. I want to eat things but I can't. I want to clean my house but I can't. I want to help my children with issues they are going through or might go through but I am limited in what tools I can give them. I have cried and acted so irrationally that I feel so alone. I know that God is there and loves me but sometimes I just need more. Can't people read my mind? I wish. I really wish. I don't want to call and cry or admit to how I feel like a lost child who just wants their mommy. Pathetic but it is true, My house is so out of control and the kids must be feeling extra stress too because they seem off and prickly to each other and to me. They make life worth living and I fight for them. This life is not easy but whose is really?

I was thinking back to this month and there were so many storms and pressure changes.  This girls skin is on fire! I guess I am feeling a little like a mess and just like my house, I get so overwhelmed with it all. I cry and wish I could just find answers!! My latest quest besides practically starving to death is to look into thyroid issues. My gut tells me that the blood work isn't picking up on my distress. It really feels like my body is sending messages, no more like screaming at me. Just look in my face and you can see the pain and anguish. You can hear the agonizing heart breaking pleas of what do I do? What more can I do.? The storm is all around me but if I listen I hear "Be still and know that I am God." He is there. It is not a matter of not knowing that. He is who I turn to every day. Maybe I need more reminders around me to keep my mind focused and less torrent and violent inside?

 I have never felt more of a push to be my own advocate with my health. I am like a walking autoimmune advertisement but no one seems to pick up on my signals or how much I need help. I'm so tired of saying that I can't do something. I have tried to accept it but these feelings tonight are too strong and bleeding onto this post. I don't know how to ask for help when I need so much! The kids friends come over and I watch their eyes as they see the extent that this illness has affected me. I need miracles and energy that I just don't have and keep digging to find. I am overwhelmed again! Stressed and scared that my body is shutting down. I know I have to take baby steps but what if even those are too big right now? I just needed to vent because it is how I figure out how I am really doing. Maybe you can relate or feel less alone. I know that these feelings and thoughts are lies but there are days when the gusts are too strong to stand. There is nothing I can do! I keep going! I do! I keep moving against the pain. I keep searching for answers on my knees and anywhere I can. I am the eye of the storm and raging on. Please calm the winds and let me see clearly again.