The last couple of weeks have been emotional for me. Some days it just feels like you're being buried by everything in your life. Some days I think I'm free of depression. Then without warning it just hits me.It can be like a tidal wave or small chains and shackles pulling me down slowly. Today was one of those tidal wave days. It knocked me down and I didn't think I would get back up. I had several things that we're very difficult to deal with,all at the same time and I didn't see how they would ever be fixed?
I felt ALONE.
I couldn't SEE.
Last week on Friday morning I woke up and the cloud was still there. I just kept crying and was just so tired. I knew what was happening but felt powerless to stop it. Fear had rolled in. I've been at that place of feeling hopeless. It is heavy. It is relentless. It used to be everyday. I was scared that it was going to stay again. I felt weak but knew I couldn't let it stay. It was really hard but I sent a text to some of my closest friends and ask them to pray for me. I knew I didn't have the strength that day. Rather, I forgot what strength I do have when I put my trust in God. I knew I didn't want to let the sadness take over. I gave my friends no explanation just that I couldn't talk right then andt I just needed their prayers and love.
I eended up sleeping all morning and anytime I was awake I would cry. Mornings have been very different for me the last year or so. It has been one of study, meditation and deciding I was in charge of my day. I made things happen. This was a heavy dark morning and out of the norm of what I have been doing.
It wasn't until the afternoon that I was able to get my achey, tired, and beaten body up out of bed. I hadn't eaten anything yet.I was able to eat. I chose to go outside. I needed the sun. I needed the light. When the darkness comes I look for the light. I try to crowd out the thoughts and darkness with scriptures and talks. I could tell the Lord heard my prayers and the prayers of my friends. I felt that strength.It is hard to explain how the darkness was lifted ,but I am grateful that I could get up. I could recognize what was happening. I could make small choices to lead me to bigger ones. Choice over fear and feeling paralyzed.
It was definitely scary to think that I might not get out. But then I knew if I fell, if I got stuck, that I was letting the circumstances dictate how I should feel. I know this is no longer how I want to think. It is no longer who I want to be. I know I'm stronger than I was before, that I am building better self awareneness ,but I also know that I couldn't have done it without the power of prayer and God's love and the wonderful people around me.
I'm feeling hopeful again and it is growing every day.The feelings I was feelings are not so intense anymore. They're still there. But that heavy weight has been lifted. I can find my way to the light and so can you. Some days it requires all the strength that you have. Other days you just stay hidden and hope it ends soon. I know both of those kind of days. And I choose to crawl out of the dark hole of self pity and despair. I choose to let my friends be there for me. I choose the light over the darkness.
What do you choose?
Light at last: Maybe you aren't there yet, free and happy, but I know you can choose to end the power and control Depression or any diagnosis or struggle has on you. You choose or something else chooses for you. It only has power if we let it. Let the light in. Let this be your healing step with many more to follow. I believe in you wherever you are. Come into the light. Come out of the darkness of whatever thoughts or feelings you have that drag you down. Choose.