When your feeling anything but love

I wrote this today because I was feeling anything but love.

 

 

I didn't love that I have had a regression in my health. I didn't like that I keep taking the same thought patterns of fight or flight when I am being yelled at or my child is throwing a tantrum. I feel like a bad mom.They are probably feeling like a bad kid and that I am not listening or loving them the way they need.

 

It's so easy to take that path of self pity and helplessness,but so frustrating at the same time. I was triggered by one of my children and fear always creeps in. Then fight or flight stress response. Then the response in my mind and body and more........... Pain....

 

 Emotional, physical, spiritual and mental pain..........Then a Fibro flare. Its the same pattern

 

The mind, body and spirit are all connected and I get so mad when I start this chain reaction.I know it happening but I still can't stop myself.I fail to stop at the imaginary stop sign. Instead I react and crash and bang into everyone and everything in my path. I am at the intersection of brain overload and emotional shutdown.

So this is for you......

 

if you are feeling unloved, unappreciated, invalidated. This is for you if you are discouraged and bearing yourself up with your inner critic and demons. You may be feeling just like me.You and I are better than this. We can make a different choice, a course correction, if you will.Today my pain has been halted with a poem I wrote. It's called Just Love. I hope it allows you to stop,breathe and make a different, better choice the rest of your day,week, month, year and the rest of your life.
 

Just love

 

When the waves come crashing down...Just love

When vision is blurred .........Just love

When it seems like we are drowning.......Just love

Just love.

For yourself.

For your loved ones.

Everyone is heard. You "sea"everyone's perspective and no one is lost for long. When it seems impossible look to the horizon of new possibilities.

New hope.

New chances.

When it seems hard to love your life and even yourself start with a spark, a glimmer of love and hope.You are never beyond hope or love. You are never beyond hope or love. The one you MUST start with first is yourself.

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Motivated Mamas

Depression has been my greatest teacher

Communication with other people has not been my strong suit. Every time I would speak up for myself ,whether it was bullies, my teachers, my peers and even my family I got shot down. I was made to feel like I was too sensitive and emotional. It started an unhealthy addiction to perfection. It made me look at myself like something was wrong with me. I learned that outside forces defined me that what people thought and said were true. I learned that my thoughts we're heavy and scary and that they were true. I felt unsafe unloved. No matter who was there for me or who tried to show they cared and loved me I was completely overwhelmed bye things that happened to me and continue to happen to me and my emotions. I didn't realize what was happening. I didn't realize what damage I was doing to my mind and my body and the beliefs I was forming. I didn't know any other way to live unless I had something to fix something to make it all better. But it never did. It never did get better. The only thing I was able to do was to hide it better.

 

These last few years I have learned so much and change so much. I've experienced such darkness and pain that I didn't think it was humanly possible to experience. All my time and energy was sucked away by worrying and fighting and struggling and being triggered. But I've learned something from all of this. What I have gone through is worth it if it helps somebody else. I pray no one else has to step into that complete dark and hopelessness and fear and struggle. Every now and again it comes back and I feel it and I fear it and I struggle against it. But I've learned that fighting only brings resistance. And if you feel like you have to fight something the trick to fighting is........ patience. Patience with yourself. Patience with the events and circumstances of your life and trying to not bring fear and resistance and negative emotions to it. There is a force that wants you to think these things. That wants you to doubt yourself and doubt that there's any way out or any hope or any direction. Depression anxiety and Fibromyalgia and people in my life that trigger me have all been my greatest teachers of patience. We are like clay in the potters hands. Gods hands. We can allow our struggles to shape us or to crumble under the pressure.

 

The more I don't want something the more it persists. What if instead I look at what I can learn and what adversity can teach me? What if these frustrating patterns and addictions to negativity and seeing myself as a victim so early on in life can teach me something? Even those people who get under my skin and trigger me or make me think I am a bad person or I can't do it anymore can teach me. They teach me the most about being patient. Patient as I try to not control and fix things. Patient as I try to search for answers that benefit me and benefit them. Patience that God has brought these people into my life for a reason. That God has brought in all of this into my life for a reason. And that storm that seems to be circling around ,confusing me, scaring me and taking my very breath away, seems to dissipate in an instant as fast as it came.

 

 I'm so grateful that I have learned what my triggers are. I'm so grateful that I know when I'm triggered and I'm aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't learned how to stop being triggered, I overcome it faster each time. I am not willing to devote my energy in my time to it any longer than it needs to be. I need to allow God to calm the storm inside so I can see clearly and know that it's okay. I can know that it's Depression or Anxiety or any triggering event or person and that I can't control that outside force. You can know. These perceived weaknesses can't control me.It can't control you. It's only powerful when I fear it and give it into it. When I start down that path of feeling worthless and not liking myself and not liking what's happening to me. I know that path of self loathing and destructive thoughts. I won't stay on that path. I can turn around. I can choose another path. So can you. I can choose another way. So can you. He shows me that way. He shows you.But only if I am listening and only if I allow it and ask for help.

 

 I would encourage you to listen to your messengers and what you can learn. Slow down and listen. It may feel like there is too much and you are overwhelmed. I have been there. Don't let the storms on the outside come inside you. The answers and strength is inside you. Stand strong and build the strong inside you to not be blown about by very wind and withstand the storms of life.