How to know if you are surviving or thriving?

Back in March I was driving our van when it started to jerk me around like a bucking bronco. I was so scared. I was on the freeway, of course, and cars were just whipping by me as a I puttered along to get off and to safety. This was the start of a 7 month waiting game. We got a new transmission but it had problems so for 6 ridiculous months the company that rebuilt it had our mechanics trying this and that before they would honor the warranty. It has been stressful driving on a faulty transmission and my anxiety has grown exponentially because of it. Some days I don't even want to get in the van. Other times I do drive it but I watch the dashboard like a hawk and jump at every lurch. My van has seriously given me Post traumatic stress disorder or something like it. Our van has barely been pulling through this. It has also been stressful on our family. I have barely been pulling through this!

I feel like my van. It feels like I am barely making it and just surviving. I keep waiting for the "check engine" light to come or that I am running on empty. I was doing good and then October hits and I am fighting Depression and feeling like everything I have worked on this last year was for nothing. This all or none thinking is one of the many unhealthy thought patterns I have developed in order to protect myself and survive. Depression, anxiety and self pity keep knocking at my door and rattling and jerking me around. I realize that relapses are normal but still frustrating.  I feel like I am searching for purpose in all that is going on in my life and all that I have lost because of my illness. Yes I have gained. I have gained a lot of hope, perspective and patience but I am still grappling with the loss because of my illness.

Maybe you learn to live with the loss of who you once were or who you can never be. Maybe you never get over it? A loss of any kind is hard to get over don't you think? I know there is a purpose in pain and struggle but it is hard and it doesn't mean I like it. I am still trying to figure how to get the life I want.  The life I need to thrive.I think wanting to do more than just survive is bringing me closer to what I really want. That's is to thrive. I hope so. I keep trying things and nothing is having any lasting effects. It is just like my van and all the things we tried before we got a working transmission. Its frustrating and exhausting!

How many of you feel like you are just surviving? The dictionary define surviving as the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, in spite of difficult circumstances. Thriving means to grow and develop well or vigorously. When you are surviving you do anything to get by. When I think of thriving I think of a garden flourishing. Why do some of us wither and decline and others grow and develop rapidly? Why do some of us get knocked down and others of us adapt more quickly? That is what I intend to find out. I am going to be getting my hands dirty, and just like my van, I am going to see what it going on under the hood.

I am already finding things that need some tuning and God's grace. He is my mechanic in this scenario and all aspects of my life. I am hurting and feeling so hopeless. This is not how he wants me to feel but as I crumble before his feet he will fix what is broken. I am reminded as I was a year ago that all these things that are not working or broken will take time. It is just hard when I am in pieces and I can't see how this is all going to be put back together. It may mean another year of tears and struggle. I am surviving, but just by a thread. To those of you feeling the weight on your shoulders and feeling like giving up, Be strong and have courage! Keep trying and don't kick yourself for time wasted. Just get up and move towards thriving and being a better you!

When you feel like you are barely hanging in there, endure to the end. Endure to the end means constantly coming unto Christ and being perfected in him. Its a daily choice and willingness to let him in so he can fix what is broken.This may take months or years. It most likely will take our lifetime. It feels a lot like this situation with our van. We fix one thing and then there is something else that has a problem. Our 7 months of struggling with our van has taught me a lot of patience but it has been so hard. So many days I have felt paralyzed and unsure of what to do next. It is real. It feels like continuous car trouble. Trying to make sense of all these trials has felt the same way.  We just have to keep trying things and trust in our mechanic. He is really the only one who knows what he is doing anyway!

So what does car trouble and thriving have to do with each other? The more my life is engulfed by darkness the more I want to be free of it. I am searching and looking for answers to make my life and others better. I don't know when if ever I will stop feeling like I am just surviving. As I ask for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's help I am now asking to endure and develop into who I was meant to be. I am looking at things from different angles and trying to trust more. I want to be less jerked around and feel more peace in this whole process. My diagnosis is grim and difficult, but some day, I will work and function like a well oiled machine. I can't wait for that day! But while I am waiting for it, why not thrive and blossom despite the struggles?

How to grow your self esteem

I have spent most of my life feeling inadequate in most areas. I have struggled and given up more times than I would like to admit. When I am around my peers I feel like an ant among giants. I have beaten the life and will out of myself for years. I have fought and continue to fight all the pain and suffering that has come from this way of being. However, I am proud of myself for how far I have come. I have changed my thoughts and my diet. I have learned to set healthy boundaries. I have really grown this past year. I do not  however, expect all the emotional, physical, mental aspects of my life to resolve themselves in such a short time. There are still so many factors that are out of my control. In fact my frustration and anxiety level has been at an all time high these past couple of weeks. I have let to many things creep and stay in my mind that aren't good. They are bad and they make me feel bad. Stress equals flare up! When I hurt everything seems to be painful. This is true of both my physical and mental state of being.

When things get this bad and foggy in my head I just need to stop and sort out all the junk again. That is easier said than done. I have struggled doing this with the clutter in my head and in my house. There is no surprise that the chaos I feel inside is linked to the clutter in my house. I reached out for help recently. A friend of mine responded and came over and helped me organize my pantry and then did my dishes so I could take a rest. It is really hard to ask for help but that is what I need. This has really helped me stay on top of my kitchen all week. We also had our first successful family meeting where my husband and I met first and then talked to each kid individually. Everyone was happy! Yes! We have tried to do it all together and the kids are unruly and complain and it has never ended well. It is more like a family war then anything peaceful or ending in any kind of resolution.We decided to work on contributions and bed time routine this week. We also started our Chore wars competition. I am so tired of nagging the kids to do things so we came up with this idea. I have tried point systems, charts and they have all crashed and burned in flames. So we are giving this a shot.It is a friendly competition between the kids to see who can do the most chores at the end of the week. Each of the older kids are paired with a younger one so that it is fair and they learn to teach it to their siblings. So far, like most of my ideas it is going very well. The kids are earning cotton balls in their jars and I can work on decluttering. That is when my energy is good of course. Thanks to my friend I have a clean pantry and I have started to work on my paper closet. I call it this because this is where I stash all my paper. If I open it right now it all falls out like a paper avalanche and a reminder that I have no idea how to sort them.

My focus has always been on how much I need to improve and fearing the future. I found this was magnified by a never ending to do list. It might as well have been a hammer nailing the last nail in the coffin of my sense of self and worth. I can't keep up and I set the bar of perfection too high.Instead of focusing on a to do list and all the things I need to work on, I want to focus on a to grow list. I want to write all the areas in which I am growing. No pressure just appreciating where I am and where I want to go. (grow)That is what I have been trying to do this last year. I planted a seed and I have needed to be patient as I watch it grow. It doesn't grow overnight and the progress is slow. I know that things have changed including within me. As long as I am growing upwards on onwards. I can't just hide in the ground forever. That is not why God put us on this earth. We have the plan of Happiness. God sees us for what we can become. He sees the growth. We can grow as President Hinckley suggests in the following quote

“Now, my brethren and sisters, the time has come for us to stand a little taller, to lift our eyes and stretch our minds to a greater comprehension and understanding of the grand millennial mission of this The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is a season to be strong. It is a time to move forward without hesitation, knowing well the meaning, the breadth, and the importance of our mission. It is a time to do what is right regardless of the consequences that might follow. It is a time to be found keeping the commandments. It is a season to reach out with kindness and love to those in distress and to those who are wandering in darkness and pain. It is a time to be considerate and good, decent and courteous toward one another in all of our relationships. In other words, to become more Christlike” (“This Is the Work of the Master,” Ensign, May 1995, 71).

How do we stand a little taller? Nothing stands taller than trees. Have you ever looked at trees? They all stand so tall reaching for the sky. They are strong and rooted. Lets quickly look at how trees grow.Most trees take 20-30 years to grow. I think that most of our growing starts after about 20 years old. From childhood up until then I would say it is like planting the seed. So at the rate I am growing, by the time I am 50 I should have become who I was meant to be! I am joking of course but in a way it is true. There are so many factors that effect the rate at which we grow.That is, if we are given the right growing conditions. The environment for trees depends on the climate and water. Our growth depends on our environment and how and what we nourish ourselves with. The biggest change this year for me was how much I drenched myself in the words of the scriptures. I always read my scriptures pretty regularly. This past year I have searched and thought constantly on the Lord and his words. I have longed for peace and to know what I should do. I clung to hope and now, looking back I can see that I did grow. I grew in strength and love for myself. That is what self esteem is isn't it?Even though I feel like I have been cut down to a stump by my circumstances I am growing quickly. Remember God sees our growth so we need to trust in him to get us there. We have to stop beating ourselves up and try to control what we are not meant to control. Stand a little taller. Be a little better.

In order for our self esteem and who we are to grow we have to be aware of what is feeding our self esteem or lack of it. Guess what? A lot of the times it turns out to be how we see ourselves and what we are telling ourselves. It takes time but it is worth it to nourish good thought and self worth. After all we are daughters and sons of God. Yes we have a lot of growing to do. Look at your progress, not the lack of it. Look at how you talk and carry yourself. Self care is very important for growth.These are all ways to grow your self esteem. I know because I am working on it daily. Think tall growing thoughts. Look at all you are doing right. You are growing as long as you are trying. You may be struggling to find the right balance or the right ways to nourish yourself. Keep looking and trying new things. Just as I have been doing within myself and the walls of my home.Stand tall and keep growing and reaching for all this life has to offer. You can do it!

Back to school and back to survival

It has been a few weeks now that my kids went back to school. Our summer was so relaxed and now we are slaves to our alarms and schedules. When we are forced into something our minds and bodies rebel don't they? I have noticed we are all more irritable and our bodies are tense. Can you notice when your body is handling a lot of stress? Stress for me, is especially bad. These past few weeks I have been more prone to emotional outbursts. I am tired and overwhelmed. I feel like I am in survival mode yet again! My young aborigines are getting restless and the mommy lion is ready to pounce. Life with children really can feel this way can't it? Our bodies really do act like we are in the jungle. Survival of the fittest!

The first day when I picked up my kids we were stuck in traffic due to construction. We were stuck and just had to wait it out. The kids were hungry and over tired. All of our patience was tested. The principal and teachers were  out directing traffic and trying to help in any way they could. Yet we inched along ready to break. Our car inched forward closer and closer to the end. I kept telling my kids we were almost there and to hang in there. I didn't know when we would make it. I just knew we are going the right way and the only way. We have no choice sometimes to travel the same road every day. We get up and do the same thing. We go to the same places. But we do not know what obstacles we might face. What detours or road blocks that will impede us. So what can we do when our plan is frustrated?

We can come up with a plan for the next time. Since I knew that the next few weeks would be the same with the construction I decided to have the kids walk and I parked somewhere away from the chaos. I was still nervous that there might be kinks in my plan. After all we never had done this before. The next day we carried out our plan and got home when we used to. It also felt great when I looked back and saw the long line of cars still in line and we were already on our way. It is convenient to drive in our cars and not have to get out but that just won't work if we want to be home at a decent time. There is a little more preparation and we have to walk in the hot sun. However we knew it was necessary to get our desired result.

We have to walk sometimes when we would rather run or drive, hypothetically speaking. I feel that way every day when my energy will only allow me to do so much. Where in your life do you feel like you are stuck in traffic? How can you make a change and a different plan?

First of all, just know that you are in survival mode and accept it. Accept that things are changing. Accept the mess and construction. When you are changing schedules it feel like you are under construction.Then examine your priorities. There are a lot of things that compete for our attention. What is the most important? Each morning I wake up I ask that question. It changes so I try to just go with the flow. When I start to feel rushed or panic then I know something is off. I stop and look at my plan. Sometimes it means I stop and rest. Sometimes I answer the sweet plea to "play with me". I have accepted that only the things I feel the most important gets pushed to the back burner.

We survived the month of August and that feels pretty good. Honestly I do not see how we cannot be in survival mode with little kids and busy schedules. We can however try to make changes and try to be less frazzled if we can. We can embrace the mess and chaos I stead of fighting against it. We can't do everything at once. So we need to stop cramming so much into our days, hours and minutes. How? Keep making course adjustments and little tweaks here and there until it feels right. Last, realize what season of life you are in and don't go faster than you have strength. Who ever told us we should do all these things. Wouldn't it be nice to take some of the pressure off? I think in 10 years I can have my house clean and organized but most of my kids will be gone. So what is really important? I put this question to you. After all, isn't it the most important question to ask? Everything else should fall in place when we have our priorities in perspective. It is like looking through a telescope. You only see what you are zoomed in on. Welcome back to survival!

How being stuck and in pain led to peace

I am woman hear me roar is what I want to say. But if I am honest it is more like hear me snore. I have been asleep for so long to all that has contributed and led up to my illness. Not to mention I fight real aggressive fatigue everyday. I have accepted that I have something that will ever go away. But I am still mourning all the things I want to do but can't and that keeps me stuck and my head turning. It is like I am in a blender and keep rehashing all the 'shoulds" and "what ifs". They have become such a part of me that it is hard not to think that way. It is hard but not impossible. I have realized that I can do hard things because I do them every day.

Most days though I am more like Oh in the movie Home. He is a Boov that along with his species takes over Earth and moves all the humans away. He forms a unexpected bond with a human girl who was left behind. At one point Tip, the human girl, puts on music and it makes Oh dance. He feels ashamed and says he has to cool his core. To do this he jumps out of a hover car over the ocean. That shame and depression likes to creep in their every minute of every day. I have to be so careful and change my thoughts as quickly as I can so I do not have to go to my room and cry until I fall asleep. I too have to cool my core but that is okay. I am learning a lot about shame and  about what my triggers are. With each successful step I am getting closer to not being tossed about by every whirlwind, but instead I can hold my ground. Again this is all very hard and requires me to be ever vigilant. It means I can never, not once let my guard down and think that things are getting better. Then I stop or get relaxed about what is really going on until that whirlwind picks me up and tosses me around for a while. I have to be relentless in fighting all that comes at me on a daily basis. Now to you it may sound like a prison to always be fighting something. It is definitely exhausting! But if I don't fight who will? God helps me in the battles but he can't fight them for me or for you!

Knowing that I have been a big contributor in my overall decline helps me to never want to go there again. I don't want to feel like a victim or wonder when things are going to get better. When I was diagnosed with Celiac I was never again tempted to eat wheat. I feel the same way about my thoughts. Now that I know that my thoughts have such an impact for pain I don't want to think so negatively anymore. My life is beating me up enough and I don't want to help it. I can keep working on my thoughts. I can keep working on my health. I can stop putting up with the disabling side effects of fibromyalgia. I can accept that I have limits and work within them.

 There are speed limit signs everywhere you look to remind you how fast you should be going. If you go over the speed limit you can get a ticket. If we push ourselves and stress ourselves we are going to fast and we need to find a speed that is right. Whether you have a chronic condition or not each of us has to slow down to what our bodies are telling us. Maybe we come to a Stop sign or caution sign. I have learned to listen to the Holy Ghost to tell if I am going the speed that I should. It is amazing if I just take time to listen. Like it says D&C 11:12-14

12 And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit.

 13 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy;

 14 And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith believing in me that you shall receive.

 

I had no idea how powerful the atonement could be and how I could be using the Holy Ghost so much more . I know that I have to trust in the process. There will be set backs. It will be hard. You can do it too. You can let go of past hurt or even present pain. You can trust yourself and that you know what to do. If not study it out and then pray everyday. One day it will make sense even if the timing isn't what you wanted it to be. Trust in that process and that you will be ready to face your challenges when the Lord knows you are ready. He is making us who we are meant to become. If I hadn't had such a hard life so far I don't know if I would have been humble enough when the Lord said that I needed a serious and expensive remodeling.

I don't like where I have been so I am not going back. What about your life is driving you crazy or that you have lost control? Where are you stuck? What are you willing to do to get to where you want to be? You can do it! I believe in you!

The strength is in the mess

We just got back from a vacation and it was a little bit of vitamin sea! I love the ocean and just lounging around. The only problem was coming back home I felt anxiety and the heat because our swamp cooler doesn't do very well in 100 degrees. The anxiety I felt was more fear of what might happen when I walked through the door. We stayed in a cabin for 6 days and each of us took turns making dinner and Breakfast. We only had to clean up what we brought and it was so easy. Once I walk in my door at home I see the mess and the loss of what I just had. I think that I can go through this grief every day. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to de-clutter 11 years of depression. Then I wonder why I need to when it only makes me more agitated. Why do I feel the pressure like I am slowly being roasted on a fire or something? How can I have those same feelings of peace at home that I did on vacation?

I have been trying to get back to my morning routine and I am just so worn out! The last day of my vacation my body said no more. Everyone left for the beach and I was left alone to feel yucky, alone and guilty for not going with everyone else. That's where I take that shiny tempting bait of Satan and I start feeling sorry for myself or like I a victim. I know that what I am dealing with is hard but do I have to be so hard on myself too? I am sitting here thinking and writing and I am shaking my head at myself. Why do I keep doing this? But then I am being hard on myself again! Uggghhh.

The first day we were on the beach we got some pretty bad sun burns. We wore sunblock and applied it every 2 hours but some of us got blisters. Even though we protected our self and did everything right we still got burned. Even though I keep trying to protect myself and prevent nasty thoughts some how they get to me and it hurts. Just like any wound it takes time to heal and repair the damage. The problem with an emotional wound is sometimes they are so raw and tender. We cover them with" band aids" and hope they go away. We suppress them because we feel guilty or ashamed.

Most wounds don't become scars. They heal with time. The scars are more of a reminder of our injury good or bad. For most guys it is cool to have gnarly scars. For me I had a scar on my forehead from falling that I hated to see everyday. I still fall, not literally, everyday sometimes a couple of times a day but I always manage to get back up, but not always wound free. These wounds are what keep me from healing or letting go. These wounds strike a cord within my soul. They have also made me who I am today. Am I weaker or better because of them? I am still trying to find that out. I am still trying to figure out what weaknesses I have and what God can make strengths. I love the scripture Ether 12:27- And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. I know God loves me even if my life is chaos. I am going to keep making mistakes so I shouldn't worry about if I will or not. This keeps the wounds open or reopens an old wound.

We should not have received such bad sun burns that first day, but we did. We shouldn't keep getting hurt,but we do. The next day we stepped into the sun we were all a little more careful. Some wore shirts so the burn couldn't get worse and tried to come in from the sun more often. We develop coping techniques to deal with pain. Some of it is good and some of it is bad. I have developed some self destructing habits to keep me safe. If I hurt myself no one can hurt me. Wrong! We end up an emotional mess because we don't know how to deal with these powerful emotions. But in our weakness and in the mess we find what we are made of. We discover our strengths despite the pain. We inch forward holding on to the scriptures and what we know to be true. We keep going and try to heal or cover the pain. Next time we are in a situation that could bring us pain we are more prepared and wiser to deal with it. This is even true if it is a small change we can make. I am going to learn more about what behaviors are toxic and more about the grieving process. I hope that this will help me to deal with damaging behaviors and be a more healthy person. If we gain a little more knowledge we can step out into the sun and not get burned. The strength is in the heat and the chaos of life. The strength is in you!

This is a picture of my son covered from head to toe to protect his burns. He looks tough doesn't he?

How to have a morning that energizes you all day long

Powerful     Productive    Positive

These are the 3 P's that I am adding to my morning routine. I have the most energy in the morning even though I am the most sore and stiff. Since my physical energy has limits I want to feel energy from within. I am a very creative when I allow myself to be. I hope to fill up my morning so that when I am running on empty I do not slip into self pity and depression. I do not expect this to be easy. I know it will be a lot of work. I am used to hard work. I worked hard in school but I still lagged behind. I worked hard to be liked until I got that and felt nothing. I worked hard on my LDS mission until I came home and slept for several days straight. Life is hard work and it seems like it is always ready to knock you down again. Well I have been knocked down so many times but I get up again and that is what matters. It is hard to get back up. It is hard to fight the negative thoughts. I am ready for some more hard work. Are you?

I am ready to fill my life with as much positive energy as I can. I want to feel like a good Mom. I want to feel like a good person. I am teaching myself and my kids how to have a good self esteem. I am teaching myself to stop treating myself so bad and to flow down the river of life without worrying I will drown or hit bumps in the road. I am rediscovering what makes me tick and what keeps me fighting. I am not wanting to get back to who I used to be. I am not a fan of her or the current me. So I guess that means I pick a spot and start there? Every day I have to be around myself and everything that tempts me to fall back into the darkness.

Why are we waging war on ourselves? Why are we struggling when it is easier to trust in the almighty God who is also our rescuer? I am on a journey from fear to peace. I am overcoming negative thoughts everyday. Where in your life are you losing positive energy? Where are you causing the most self sabotage?

So what is this hard work I am talking about? First of all getting up is hard when I have told myself that there is nothing to get up for so long. You learn to protect yourself when you feel so much pain, even if it is self inflicted, or not. All I did in protecting myself was erase myself. So I am going to get out of bed and pray to be a powerful Mother and Wife. I am going to pray to be productive, even if it just a little. I am going to pray to be positive and to fight those negative thoughts with all the energy heaven will give me. I am going to say my positive affirmations. I am going to get outside and soak up the sun and then I am going to feast on the words of the scriptures.

The productive part is a little bit more of a struggle. What most people can do in a day I can only do 1/4 of it. I have to or I run myself into the ground. I am not okay with this mediocrity or that my energy can be used up so fast but it my reality. At night I write down all the things I think I can do in an hour. In the morning I review it and get to work. After working for 15 minutes I take a break and then do another 15 minutes. What would take an hour with breaks actually takes me all morning. By afternoon my energy is just gone as if it went down a drain or something.

My last and most powerful part of my morning lately is visualizing how my day is going to go.  I stumbled on a powerful visual that I have been using everyday. I visualize myself floating down a river. I keep going down the river and if I hit a rock or strong current I see myself not struggling or trying to swim against the current. This visual helps me stay present and not go into my past or worry about the future.If something happens during the day I think to myself. Am I fighting the current or moving with the flow and letting things happen the way they do?

So how do you get going in the morning? What tricks do you use to stay productive and energized? Where are you fighting the natural flow of life?



.

Its my life and I am taking a stand

I feel like I should just write. Anything. Everything. Just write until it all makes sense............

  I am not sure if I have ever been sure of who I am. It is embarrassing to admit that so many times in my life I have felt insecure and had a low self esteem. I am still that little girl struggling to fit in and desperately looking for something. But what? I have the gospel and Christ in my life. But I am fighting for my life. I am fighting to keep standing. I think what I have been looking for are things that make me feel validated. Some people would call that needy but I would say that I was never taught how to challenge negative thoughts and so they kept coming. I kept looking for worth when I was accepted by others. First theses thoughts were like a fog rolling in and out in stressful times of my life. Then they became a dark cloud that hung over my head most days. Soon it was a raging storm within like a tsunami. How do you stand in the rain when you are getting pelted by so many thoughts or just completely knocked over by them? Pretty soon I couldn't stand anymore and I gave into the darkness of Depression. I was silent and isolated but screaming inside to be free.

5 years ago I thought I was free from Depressions clutches but it is still there and waiting to pounce when I am the most vulnerable. I am attacked by these negative thoughts everyday but I am sick of it! I do not want to be a victim anymore! But I have no idea how to be truly free from this demon. It is not just a bad day. It is a heavy weight crushing you! I want to stare it in the face and tell it that it has no power over me. I wish to but I am scared. I have seen and felt its power even over the last two weeks. I am winning more battles then I have before but the war itself rages on inside of me.

A friend of mine told me that when I feel overwhelmed I need to take a break from my deep thoughts. I may be surrounded by them like the deep sea but I do not have to look at them all the time. She said it is like I am in a submarine. I can use the periscope and look anytime I want but then I can close it up and not look anymore. Then when I am ready I can look again. I tend to want to look at the whole picture and by so doing, I overwhelm myself. I drown in my fears, insecurities and failures.

I thought that I had a good self care routine in place to take care of myself, but I really don't. It took me this long to realize that I am not nice to myself. I thought reading self help books and working on myself was what I should be doing. Instead it became and obsession. I worried and obsessed to make myself and my family better. I was really feeding a monster known as perfectionism. I am no where near where I thought I was and it shocked me. I really thought I was doing better but I was unprotected from myself and any attack. My fortifications were weak and not very effective. This realization blew me away! I keep getting annihilated by the enemy. My self worth has been destroyed and I didn't even know it. My life has been screaming that I have low self esteem and I missed it! I think that all of us at times in our lives don't see some of the warning signs. I have always been hard on myself but I thought that was good because it made me challenge myself to be better. Take a look at your habits and your thoughts. What are they telling you? If you find yourself like a deer in headlights with this realization too, don't worry , I think that means things will get better. At least I am hoping so! There is always hope!

With this hope I am going to do a few things this week  to find out who I am. Make a list of things you might want to do or borrow some of mine. As we open ourselves to changes we can make it is like we are standing for the first time. I think I have been crawling or limping my way through my life just dealing with the pain. My sense of self is completely gone. So here is what I am going to do to take a stand and say I am not going to take it anymore! I am stronger than that and so are you! Let us be kind to ourselves and find the right ways to motivate ourselves to change. Down below I made a mind map of self esteem and all the areas that are linked to it.  It was a good way for me to get a sense of the whole picture and where I am hurting myself the most.

1. Make a self care plan
2. Write a list of my strengths and what I am good at
3. Write a list of all my past accomplishments
4. Find ways to motivate myself