Day 3- 25 days closer to Christ

Jesus helped others to see and so can you

Jesus healed the sick, lame and the blind. Our bodies are a gift. I am grateful to have eyes to see.He can open our eyes to see what matters most. He can help us see in the darkness. I have experienced this many times with my depression. I have seen an felt hope. I have seen the light through the darkness. My eyes have been opened to doors and people who I need right now in my life.

I think that he helps us see not only just with our physical eyes, but also our spiritual eyes. So often we do not see how wonderful we are. We do not see what he sees and knows. We can become so much more than we ever imagined. Jesus can show us how a little at a time. He will never leave us to walk blindly through life but he doesn't always take our ailments and trials away. He knows why even if we don't.

As a family we learned about raising an eye dog. It was really interesting. They go through quite the process and training. I have thought a lot about therapy dogs lately with how bad my depression and anxiety can be. Just having my new puppy has been beneficial to me in so many ways.  A dogs love is unconditional. The people that raise these dogs are truly selfless because there is a bond that grows with a dog. To let the dog go must be so hard but it helps someone so immensely.

Day 2- 25 days closer to Christ

Jesus Honored his parents and so can you

I am lucky to have the parents that I do. There is no doubt that they love me and wanted to raise me in a home of faith. I learned a lot from my mother. She taught me to be patient and have character. She taught me to be loyal. My father taught me about prayer and the value of hard work. I am grateful they are a phone call away. My mother warned me that someday I would have a child that would give me a harder time than I gave her. She was right! Lol

I am also thankful for my birth parents who gave me up so I could have the best chance in life. I do not know who or where they are but I think of their sacrifice. If I don't see them on the earth I hope to see them in heaven.

Luke 2:46-41
46 And it came to pass, that after three days they found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions.

 47 And all that heard him were astonished at his understanding and answers.

 48 And when they saw him, they were amazed: and his mother said unto him, Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us? behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing.

 49 And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?

 50 And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them.

51 And he went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject unto them: but his mother kept all these sayings in her heart.

 

 

Day 1- 25 days closer to Christ

Christmas is coming fast! I love this time of year. It means more love and kindness because we are all trying to be more like the Savior. The Church of Latter day saints has created an amazing countdown this year. Each day there are several ideas on how to serve and participate in such an inspiring way. It is a perfect addition and direction for my 25 days closer to Christ. Here is the link to Light the world and more about it! I am so excited!

Day 1-Jesus lifted others' burdens and so can you! I have always felt that my struggles have been a blessing because I can understand much of what people around me are going through. I am also easily pricked by someones pain and a big cry baby. I know it is a gift, even though I find it hard to fight back the emotions and tears. We are his hands on this earth. He was born into this world to take upon us our sins and burdens. We have much to celebrate and remember him for!

scripture: Mathew 11:28-30

 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

 

We talked about how the Savior can help us through the most difficult times in our life. The kids also wanted to carry their friends back packs tomorrow.

 

 

How to know if you are surviving or thriving?

Back in March I was driving our van when it started to jerk me around like a bucking bronco. I was so scared. I was on the freeway, of course, and cars were just whipping by me as a I puttered along to get off and to safety. This was the start of a 7 month waiting game. We got a new transmission but it had problems so for 6 ridiculous months the company that rebuilt it had our mechanics trying this and that before they would honor the warranty. It has been stressful driving on a faulty transmission and my anxiety has grown exponentially because of it. Some days I don't even want to get in the van. Other times I do drive it but I watch the dashboard like a hawk and jump at every lurch. My van has seriously given me Post traumatic stress disorder or something like it. Our van has barely been pulling through this. It has also been stressful on our family. I have barely been pulling through this!

I feel like my van. It feels like I am barely making it and just surviving. I keep waiting for the "check engine" light to come or that I am running on empty. I was doing good and then October hits and I am fighting Depression and feeling like everything I have worked on this last year was for nothing. This all or none thinking is one of the many unhealthy thought patterns I have developed in order to protect myself and survive. Depression, anxiety and self pity keep knocking at my door and rattling and jerking me around. I realize that relapses are normal but still frustrating.  I feel like I am searching for purpose in all that is going on in my life and all that I have lost because of my illness. Yes I have gained. I have gained a lot of hope, perspective and patience but I am still grappling with the loss because of my illness.

Maybe you learn to live with the loss of who you once were or who you can never be. Maybe you never get over it? A loss of any kind is hard to get over don't you think? I know there is a purpose in pain and struggle but it is hard and it doesn't mean I like it. I am still trying to figure how to get the life I want.  The life I need to thrive.I think wanting to do more than just survive is bringing me closer to what I really want. That's is to thrive. I hope so. I keep trying things and nothing is having any lasting effects. It is just like my van and all the things we tried before we got a working transmission. Its frustrating and exhausting!

How many of you feel like you are just surviving? The dictionary define surviving as the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, in spite of difficult circumstances. Thriving means to grow and develop well or vigorously. When you are surviving you do anything to get by. When I think of thriving I think of a garden flourishing. Why do some of us wither and decline and others grow and develop rapidly? Why do some of us get knocked down and others of us adapt more quickly? That is what I intend to find out. I am going to be getting my hands dirty, and just like my van, I am going to see what it going on under the hood.

I am already finding things that need some tuning and God's grace. He is my mechanic in this scenario and all aspects of my life. I am hurting and feeling so hopeless. This is not how he wants me to feel but as I crumble before his feet he will fix what is broken. I am reminded as I was a year ago that all these things that are not working or broken will take time. It is just hard when I am in pieces and I can't see how this is all going to be put back together. It may mean another year of tears and struggle. I am surviving, but just by a thread. To those of you feeling the weight on your shoulders and feeling like giving up, Be strong and have courage! Keep trying and don't kick yourself for time wasted. Just get up and move towards thriving and being a better you!

When you feel like you are barely hanging in there, endure to the end. Endure to the end means constantly coming unto Christ and being perfected in him. Its a daily choice and willingness to let him in so he can fix what is broken.This may take months or years. It most likely will take our lifetime. It feels a lot like this situation with our van. We fix one thing and then there is something else that has a problem. Our 7 months of struggling with our van has taught me a lot of patience but it has been so hard. So many days I have felt paralyzed and unsure of what to do next. It is real. It feels like continuous car trouble. Trying to make sense of all these trials has felt the same way.  We just have to keep trying things and trust in our mechanic. He is really the only one who knows what he is doing anyway!

So what does car trouble and thriving have to do with each other? The more my life is engulfed by darkness the more I want to be free of it. I am searching and looking for answers to make my life and others better. I don't know when if ever I will stop feeling like I am just surviving. As I ask for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's help I am now asking to endure and develop into who I was meant to be. I am looking at things from different angles and trying to trust more. I want to be less jerked around and feel more peace in this whole process. My diagnosis is grim and difficult, but some day, I will work and function like a well oiled machine. I can't wait for that day! But while I am waiting for it, why not thrive and blossom despite the struggles?

How to grow your self esteem

I have spent most of my life feeling inadequate in most areas. I have struggled and given up more times than I would like to admit. When I am around my peers I feel like an ant among giants. I have beaten the life and will out of myself for years. I have fought and continue to fight all the pain and suffering that has come from this way of being. However, I am proud of myself for how far I have come. I have changed my thoughts and my diet. I have learned to set healthy boundaries. I have really grown this past year. I do not  however, expect all the emotional, physical, mental aspects of my life to resolve themselves in such a short time. There are still so many factors that are out of my control. In fact my frustration and anxiety level has been at an all time high these past couple of weeks. I have let to many things creep and stay in my mind that aren't good. They are bad and they make me feel bad. Stress equals flare up! When I hurt everything seems to be painful. This is true of both my physical and mental state of being.

When things get this bad and foggy in my head I just need to stop and sort out all the junk again. That is easier said than done. I have struggled doing this with the clutter in my head and in my house. There is no surprise that the chaos I feel inside is linked to the clutter in my house. I reached out for help recently. A friend of mine responded and came over and helped me organize my pantry and then did my dishes so I could take a rest. It is really hard to ask for help but that is what I need. This has really helped me stay on top of my kitchen all week. We also had our first successful family meeting where my husband and I met first and then talked to each kid individually. Everyone was happy! Yes! We have tried to do it all together and the kids are unruly and complain and it has never ended well. It is more like a family war then anything peaceful or ending in any kind of resolution.We decided to work on contributions and bed time routine this week. We also started our Chore wars competition. I am so tired of nagging the kids to do things so we came up with this idea. I have tried point systems, charts and they have all crashed and burned in flames. So we are giving this a shot.It is a friendly competition between the kids to see who can do the most chores at the end of the week. Each of the older kids are paired with a younger one so that it is fair and they learn to teach it to their siblings. So far, like most of my ideas it is going very well. The kids are earning cotton balls in their jars and I can work on decluttering. That is when my energy is good of course. Thanks to my friend I have a clean pantry and I have started to work on my paper closet. I call it this because this is where I stash all my paper. If I open it right now it all falls out like a paper avalanche and a reminder that I have no idea how to sort them.

My focus has always been on how much I need to improve and fearing the future. I found this was magnified by a never ending to do list. It might as well have been a hammer nailing the last nail in the coffin of my sense of self and worth. I can't keep up and I set the bar of perfection too high.Instead of focusing on a to do list and all the things I need to work on, I want to focus on a to grow list. I want to write all the areas in which I am growing. No pressure just appreciating where I am and where I want to go. (grow)That is what I have been trying to do this last year. I planted a seed and I have needed to be patient as I watch it grow. It doesn't grow overnight and the progress is slow. I know that things have changed including within me. As long as I am growing upwards on onwards. I can't just hide in the ground forever. That is not why God put us on this earth. We have the plan of Happiness. God sees us for what we can become. He sees the growth. We can grow as President Hinckley suggests in the following quote

“Now, my brethren and sisters, the time has come for us to stand a little taller, to lift our eyes and stretch our minds to a greater comprehension and understanding of the grand millennial mission of this The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is a season to be strong. It is a time to move forward without hesitation, knowing well the meaning, the breadth, and the importance of our mission. It is a time to do what is right regardless of the consequences that might follow. It is a time to be found keeping the commandments. It is a season to reach out with kindness and love to those in distress and to those who are wandering in darkness and pain. It is a time to be considerate and good, decent and courteous toward one another in all of our relationships. In other words, to become more Christlike” (“This Is the Work of the Master,” Ensign, May 1995, 71).

How do we stand a little taller? Nothing stands taller than trees. Have you ever looked at trees? They all stand so tall reaching for the sky. They are strong and rooted. Lets quickly look at how trees grow.Most trees take 20-30 years to grow. I think that most of our growing starts after about 20 years old. From childhood up until then I would say it is like planting the seed. So at the rate I am growing, by the time I am 50 I should have become who I was meant to be! I am joking of course but in a way it is true. There are so many factors that effect the rate at which we grow.That is, if we are given the right growing conditions. The environment for trees depends on the climate and water. Our growth depends on our environment and how and what we nourish ourselves with. The biggest change this year for me was how much I drenched myself in the words of the scriptures. I always read my scriptures pretty regularly. This past year I have searched and thought constantly on the Lord and his words. I have longed for peace and to know what I should do. I clung to hope and now, looking back I can see that I did grow. I grew in strength and love for myself. That is what self esteem is isn't it?Even though I feel like I have been cut down to a stump by my circumstances I am growing quickly. Remember God sees our growth so we need to trust in him to get us there. We have to stop beating ourselves up and try to control what we are not meant to control. Stand a little taller. Be a little better.

In order for our self esteem and who we are to grow we have to be aware of what is feeding our self esteem or lack of it. Guess what? A lot of the times it turns out to be how we see ourselves and what we are telling ourselves. It takes time but it is worth it to nourish good thought and self worth. After all we are daughters and sons of God. Yes we have a lot of growing to do. Look at your progress, not the lack of it. Look at how you talk and carry yourself. Self care is very important for growth.These are all ways to grow your self esteem. I know because I am working on it daily. Think tall growing thoughts. Look at all you are doing right. You are growing as long as you are trying. You may be struggling to find the right balance or the right ways to nourish yourself. Keep looking and trying new things. Just as I have been doing within myself and the walls of my home.Stand tall and keep growing and reaching for all this life has to offer. You can do it!

Back to school and back to survival

It has been a few weeks now that my kids went back to school. Our summer was so relaxed and now we are slaves to our alarms and schedules. When we are forced into something our minds and bodies rebel don't they? I have noticed we are all more irritable and our bodies are tense. Can you notice when your body is handling a lot of stress? Stress for me, is especially bad. These past few weeks I have been more prone to emotional outbursts. I am tired and overwhelmed. I feel like I am in survival mode yet again! My young aborigines are getting restless and the mommy lion is ready to pounce. Life with children really can feel this way can't it? Our bodies really do act like we are in the jungle. Survival of the fittest!

The first day when I picked up my kids we were stuck in traffic due to construction. We were stuck and just had to wait it out. The kids were hungry and over tired. All of our patience was tested. The principal and teachers were  out directing traffic and trying to help in any way they could. Yet we inched along ready to break. Our car inched forward closer and closer to the end. I kept telling my kids we were almost there and to hang in there. I didn't know when we would make it. I just knew we are going the right way and the only way. We have no choice sometimes to travel the same road every day. We get up and do the same thing. We go to the same places. But we do not know what obstacles we might face. What detours or road blocks that will impede us. So what can we do when our plan is frustrated?

We can come up with a plan for the next time. Since I knew that the next few weeks would be the same with the construction I decided to have the kids walk and I parked somewhere away from the chaos. I was still nervous that there might be kinks in my plan. After all we never had done this before. The next day we carried out our plan and got home when we used to. It also felt great when I looked back and saw the long line of cars still in line and we were already on our way. It is convenient to drive in our cars and not have to get out but that just won't work if we want to be home at a decent time. There is a little more preparation and we have to walk in the hot sun. However we knew it was necessary to get our desired result.

We have to walk sometimes when we would rather run or drive, hypothetically speaking. I feel that way every day when my energy will only allow me to do so much. Where in your life do you feel like you are stuck in traffic? How can you make a change and a different plan?

First of all, just know that you are in survival mode and accept it. Accept that things are changing. Accept the mess and construction. When you are changing schedules it feel like you are under construction.Then examine your priorities. There are a lot of things that compete for our attention. What is the most important? Each morning I wake up I ask that question. It changes so I try to just go with the flow. When I start to feel rushed or panic then I know something is off. I stop and look at my plan. Sometimes it means I stop and rest. Sometimes I answer the sweet plea to "play with me". I have accepted that only the things I feel the most important gets pushed to the back burner.

We survived the month of August and that feels pretty good. Honestly I do not see how we cannot be in survival mode with little kids and busy schedules. We can however try to make changes and try to be less frazzled if we can. We can embrace the mess and chaos I stead of fighting against it. We can't do everything at once. So we need to stop cramming so much into our days, hours and minutes. How? Keep making course adjustments and little tweaks here and there until it feels right. Last, realize what season of life you are in and don't go faster than you have strength. Who ever told us we should do all these things. Wouldn't it be nice to take some of the pressure off? I think in 10 years I can have my house clean and organized but most of my kids will be gone. So what is really important? I put this question to you. After all, isn't it the most important question to ask? Everything else should fall in place when we have our priorities in perspective. It is like looking through a telescope. You only see what you are zoomed in on. Welcome back to survival!

How being stuck and in pain led to peace

I am woman hear me roar is what I want to say. But if I am honest it is more like hear me snore. I have been asleep for so long to all that has contributed and led up to my illness. Not to mention I fight real aggressive fatigue everyday. I have accepted that I have something that will ever go away. But I am still mourning all the things I want to do but can't and that keeps me stuck and my head turning. It is like I am in a blender and keep rehashing all the 'shoulds" and "what ifs". They have become such a part of me that it is hard not to think that way. It is hard but not impossible. I have realized that I can do hard things because I do them every day.

Most days though I am more like Oh in the movie Home. He is a Boov that along with his species takes over Earth and moves all the humans away. He forms a unexpected bond with a human girl who was left behind. At one point Tip, the human girl, puts on music and it makes Oh dance. He feels ashamed and says he has to cool his core. To do this he jumps out of a hover car over the ocean. That shame and depression likes to creep in their every minute of every day. I have to be so careful and change my thoughts as quickly as I can so I do not have to go to my room and cry until I fall asleep. I too have to cool my core but that is okay. I am learning a lot about shame and  about what my triggers are. With each successful step I am getting closer to not being tossed about by every whirlwind, but instead I can hold my ground. Again this is all very hard and requires me to be ever vigilant. It means I can never, not once let my guard down and think that things are getting better. Then I stop or get relaxed about what is really going on until that whirlwind picks me up and tosses me around for a while. I have to be relentless in fighting all that comes at me on a daily basis. Now to you it may sound like a prison to always be fighting something. It is definitely exhausting! But if I don't fight who will? God helps me in the battles but he can't fight them for me or for you!

Knowing that I have been a big contributor in my overall decline helps me to never want to go there again. I don't want to feel like a victim or wonder when things are going to get better. When I was diagnosed with Celiac I was never again tempted to eat wheat. I feel the same way about my thoughts. Now that I know that my thoughts have such an impact for pain I don't want to think so negatively anymore. My life is beating me up enough and I don't want to help it. I can keep working on my thoughts. I can keep working on my health. I can stop putting up with the disabling side effects of fibromyalgia. I can accept that I have limits and work within them.

 There are speed limit signs everywhere you look to remind you how fast you should be going. If you go over the speed limit you can get a ticket. If we push ourselves and stress ourselves we are going to fast and we need to find a speed that is right. Whether you have a chronic condition or not each of us has to slow down to what our bodies are telling us. Maybe we come to a Stop sign or caution sign. I have learned to listen to the Holy Ghost to tell if I am going the speed that I should. It is amazing if I just take time to listen. Like it says D&C 11:12-14

12 And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit.

 13 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy;

 14 And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith believing in me that you shall receive.

 

I had no idea how powerful the atonement could be and how I could be using the Holy Ghost so much more . I know that I have to trust in the process. There will be set backs. It will be hard. You can do it too. You can let go of past hurt or even present pain. You can trust yourself and that you know what to do. If not study it out and then pray everyday. One day it will make sense even if the timing isn't what you wanted it to be. Trust in that process and that you will be ready to face your challenges when the Lord knows you are ready. He is making us who we are meant to become. If I hadn't had such a hard life so far I don't know if I would have been humble enough when the Lord said that I needed a serious and expensive remodeling.

I don't like where I have been so I am not going back. What about your life is driving you crazy or that you have lost control? Where are you stuck? What are you willing to do to get to where you want to be? You can do it! I believe in you!