Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Hope, a light through lifes storms

Since Friday my body has ached with a storm on its way. It arrived Monday and it was a tough day for pain and for Depression. Storms come and go. But the ones inside each of us seem to be more intense and longer. Luckily the storm passed and today was sunny. I love when the clouds break through and the sun shines again. Monday was a good reminder for me that I live my life in recovery and I have to use the tools I have to cope and overcome these days. It wasn't long ago that all I knew was darkness and storms. It felt like the clouds would never part. It felt relentless and that I was being pushed down by the darkness and fear.

One day the clouds did part for me. That is not something you forget. Every day it felt like I was drowning and finally on that day of light and hope I could breathe. I could see the light. With a break in the clouds came a breakthrough. It was an instant when hopelessness turned to hope and I turned to the light and bathed in its warmth. I had forgotten what it felt like to let things through especially the love and comfort our Heavenly Father can give us. What I learned was that my thoughts were not my reality and I could challenge them. How many of you feel or have felt like the barrage of thoughts will never stop? That each day will be a struggle and surrounded in darkness and defeat?

Today I was talking to my friend and I had another big breakthrough. Amidst the darkness it is not surprising how alone one can feel. What I didn't realize that this is a belief I still carry with me. Did you get Goosebumps? I know I did when I realized that this limiting belief was something I didn't need anymore and I could let it go! Imagine letting such a heavy burden go! It felt amazing! That feeling that it is all up to me to make things better for myself and others. Ultimately, my efforts and others efforts weren't recognized. I found myself saying I have to clean this house all by myself. I have to change_____ behavior. I have to control and hide my own feelings of inadequacy. Can any of you relate? It felt like a huge weight had been lifted and the clouds of hopelessness parted and hope shone through again. I was able to let go of such negative energy I have carried for I don't know how long.

Do you feel alone? Do you think it is possible to let go of the burdens you carry? What are you carrying that is weighing you down? What can you give to the Savior? You can! He already paid the price and he is standing with open arms. Imagine it! He is right there with open arms waiting for you to ask him to take this burden. Can you feel his love? He must have told me so many times that I wasn't alone but I couldn't hear it or see it.

When I was diagnosed and wondering what to do next there was nothing that I knew of to help me know what to do next. I didn't know that my thoughts were a cage or there was things I had control over. I just want you to know when you come here you can lean on me and learn what you can do. There is hope when you feel you can't make it another day. God knows. I know. Even if you don't know how he can lift that burden find one of his earthly angels who does. Thoughts of hopelessness, darkness despair and feeling alone can be challenged even when in the grips of mental illness. There is a light and beacon of hope that will light your path however dark it may seem. Allow it. Pray for it. You are never alone!
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Friday, November 10, 2017

How to trust when you don't know how

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When we are very small and innocent we trust those around us. We unknowingly place our well being, happiness and beliefs in our caregivers power. We put our tiny hands in their bigger, more experienced  hands. This is safety at its best. But what happens when we realize that we are more than just an extension of our parents? We are ready to explore! We are ready to roll over, crawl and eventually walk and see our new world and where are place is in it. We are still unsure and scared but we see our parents outstretched arms and we feel we can do it as long as they are there. This is Trust.

Trust has never been easy for me. I really don't know why. It may have started early on in my life when my birth Mother and Father were deciding whether to keep me or not. I don't know. The issue with trust first came up for me in therapy a few years ago. I felt like such an infant then. I still do. I really didn't know what was happening to me and why certain things kept triggering me. Do you ever feel like you are starting over? Do you feel like nothing is in your control? It is as if you are rolling around on the floor with no idea how to get from point A to point B. I felt and feel like this some days. A little less now that Depression has loosened its grip. I do know that some people in my life acted in ways I didn't like or that I perceived as danger. I wasn't in any danger. But it made me feel uneasy, unloved and not good enough. No one knew, not even me ,my internal dialogue.  At a very young age I felt very unsafe and struggled with big emotions that I learned were bad. I don't know why I saw my world as scary and unforgiving, but I did. It became my subconscious program that played over and over to supposedly keep me "safe". That is our brains job. The more negative and bad things happened to me the more it reinforced this belief deep inside. This happens to all of us. These feeling create beliefs. We all have beliefs that drive our thoughts and behaviors everyday. This is really hard to say because looking back I had great parents that loved me. I had some amazing teachers that encouraged me and helped me with what I now know as anxiety. Eventually, even though it took a while, I made friends at school. I did have neighborhood friends but school was a jungle for me. I think it was third grade that I made some good friends. I never really trusted myself or anyone around me in any lasting way. I have really amazing friends now. I never knew this deep scar about myself until I dug deep into my past and found buried feelings. It started in hopes that it would help ease my depression. I learned through that experience that feelings buried will keep surfacing. They come up over and over. What do you do with such big feelings? Trust!

I realize that I have put up so many walls and in many ways am now just taking my first steps towards healing and recovery. I am taking baby steps into loving myself, trusting others that they won't hurt me and most of all putting all my trust in my Savior. It has been a really rough road but when I picture putting my full trust in someone it is like taking my first steps as I did as a baby. In that moment I know I trusted my parents completely just like my kids did with me. Trust is vital in taking forward motion or opening your heart up to something or someone. Trust is knowing that the bad stuff is behind you and does not define or confine you. It is tearing down the walls and allowing yourself to be loved unconditionally. Who knows you better than our Heavenly Father and Jesus? Even though we cannot see Jesus I know that his arm is stretched out still. To any of us. We just have to take the first step towards him and know that he is there. I begged for help and he did not leave me comfortless. I like to think that he was lining up some pretty amazing things and people that have come into my life over the last few years. That he knew what I needed when I didn't. He knows what you need. All of us!

Some days it is still very hard. Is it hard for you too? The fiery darts of self doubt, negativity, over thinking and fear are all around. When I fall and these penetrate my mind and heart I feel guilty that I am not trusting him fully. How can I trust when I have these thoughts and feelings? Then I remember who I am. I remind myself every day with my morning power hour to pack a powerful punch to the negative. But, when I lose my way and stumble I can picture my Savior there with outstretched arms saying "Its okay that you fell. Get up and try again. You can do it!

I love what Jeffrey R Holland said in General Conference April 2016   "Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever." I know it may not seem like much, but to have someone cheering you on is motivating and propels you to move forward. If you don't know how to trust just start taking baby steps. Pray, study and little by little you will take more trusting steps and strides. Keep taking steps to get where you want to go and trusting in God and his goodness to get you there. I believe in you and want you to believe in you too!

Monday, October 23, 2017

Setbacks and possibilities

This week has been full of set backs. This is something that I have grown used to but still press forward. Why? Why do we push forward even when all the outside forces are combined against us? Why do some of us use our voices to share our story and others sit in the shadows? I have been asking myself these questions and more lately. I have a voice and I am trying to raise it and let everyone know what I know. I can't be quiet even if my blog is still in its infancy. Eventually things grow and that is my hope for happiness blueprint. There is a plan a guide to keep us on the path of happiness and wellness.

My story and your story needs to be told whether you reach the masses or not. Staying quiet only suppresses what is dying to get out. You might be thinking Why me? Why not you? What are we so afraid of anyway? Fear is just an emotion not something to be feared. Win or lose if we gave it our best we have done enough. How do we do this?

Just start! Make room in your life for possibilities and dreams. That space will be filled. I have already been seeing it in my life. Have you noticed things keep falling into place? Things and people fill that space, they line up and help you move your idea forward. If not yet, prepare yourself. The only limits we have here are ones we put on ourselves. Even now I am typing with a brace on my left wrist because of chronic carpel tunnel. My other hand is not as bad. I push through the pain because I love to write. I love to help and share. I always hope that you share my words as well. I used to write because I was sad and felt there was more to my life than to wake up and just do what I could to make it through the day. Most of my time was spent on the couch wishing I was gone from this world or that someone would tell me they have the answers I needed.

I started with an idea that has grown and I believe will continue to grow. Let me give you a visual of the importance of YOUR unique voice. Where we live there is a base near by and the planes fly overhead constantly. It is loud and a big conversation interrupter. What I notice though is people still talk but they talk louder and try to still talk despite the noise. I want you, as many of us, to speak out against the noise in our heads that tells us we are no good or that we can't do it. It is just noise. It can pass and we can again hear our heart and soul speak to us.

I used to write to have something to look forward to. I didn't know if it was just for me or if it would help other people. I just knew it made a little hole in my dark cloud everyday. Now I write for you. I don't want you to suffer needlessly when I have things to help and share. I can help you figure things out years before I did. Pain was and is still my teacher. I still have to make sure I am asking forward thinking questions and not backward thinking ones. The right questions set you up for success.

Let me explain further. Asking questions like why is this happening to me keeps you a victim. It keeps you stuck. That is a backward thinking question because it moves you where?....backwards! Instead you could ask questions like what am I to learn from this? What inside of me needs to grow and develop? That is forward thinking at its best my friend. It keeps you moving forward even if it a baby step idea like maybe there is a way to find happiness everyday? You want to tease your brain to think a little differently and not have it freak out on you and shut down the idea before it has a change to emerge fully and be accepted. Thoughts have power to keep you stuck. Getting lost in your diagnosis or blaming it keeps you stuck. I want to help you get unstuck and use your beautiful voices.God has a purpose for you. He has promised that ALL things shall work together for thy good. This means even the difficult circumstances of our life. Use your voice I will do the same. Together we can look FORWARD to great things.
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Friday, September 1, 2017

How to give change a chance when dealing with Chronic illness

Summer has come and gone so fast!! I have not written much. Like most, it has been busy but not because I have been hopping around from activity to activity. It has really been a pretty relaxed summer. However I managed to fill it up with reading and listening to different health summits and very little writing. I used to write to figure things out. To get all the garbage floating around in my head out and on paper. I went through the victim why me stage to actually starting to figure a few things out now. Then getting impatient because nothing was changing.Nothing, as far as I could see anyway. But things have been changing so slowly.

Change is a process and when I accepted that I realized all of my discovery process was necessary part of my healing journey. True not much has changed, except me! Just imagine I have been locked up in a cocoon all summer and now I am emerging ready to fly on what I now know and wish I would have known before. Every part of my story feels more like a teaching tool then me being beat down, defenseless and overwhelmed. How many of you walk around frazzled and overwhelmed by all you have to do? It is a trap! Don't fall for it! What about your motivation and energy to live and love your life no matter what?

I have to be clear about something. My transformation is still happening. But I can't stay in a cocoon all my life. It is not meant to shut out all people and life experiences. It was more to give me a focus, direction for the rest of my life. I was really working on my mindset and reprogramming my brain. This can also take a lifetime as well. But, I have started the shift away from what I used to do, be and think.

Every morning I woke up excited to learn and borrow other peoples brains for a while. To get out of my head and not force anything. What happened? Something amazing! I created my power hour and my 10 year wellness plan. It took a while to get into this mess and it will take a while to get out of it! But I do see that I can have all I want and more! You can too! My family and I are just making little shifts. Little shifts toward greater peace of mind and happiness.

As I started to learn more I shed more of the things I didn't need and I tried not to fight my body wanting to do this. As I did this emotionally and physically I started wanting to get rid of all the junk in my home. One day I woke up and my kids had caught the decluttering bug too. They cleaned up their floors and under their beds. It is amazing to me to think of how much I was trying to force. When I relaxed things just happened on their own!

 I notices other great things. I had more energy. I was cleaning up a storm and eating and staying full and not feeling bloated. So I know it is possible to have what I want and that my body knows what it wants. When I listen and give my body what it needs then it can heal itself! Our bodies are really amazing! Remember God created us after his own image and likeness. He created us to be happy and it is our natural programming. So there is no need to really search for happiness because it is in us. We just have to re program and make sure to listen to the right voices and stay in the drivers seat.

It really feels like I have gone back to school. There is so much I didn't know!Everyday I was not in control and that is what made me feel out of control, fearful and overwhelmed. Who is driving in your life? Are you in turmoil inside your body or is your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual self all in balance?

The dread of everyday is gone. The amazing part is that my circumstances haven't changed.......yet.;) I am still trying to learn about what is making me sick and my food is the same. But I do not feel stuck or that I will never feel better. I visualize the life I want and go for it! !10 years is a long time to wait to be well but it also gives me enough time to heal and help my family do the same. I want to help you too! Take one little step and make a small, measurable change. Don't let that perfection bug get you! Focus on the process and the movement forward. Even if it is small and nothing seems to be changing. It is always an inner struggle and change before it can manifest itself in other aspects of our lives.

I still want to be real with you and share the ups and downs because this change is hard. It takes patience, kindness to yourself and others, and time. Lots and lots of time. You don't want to miss what your wellness journey is trying to teach you. You can get so much out of the trails and leaps of faith and to know that God feels you are ready. So be ready! Ready to jump in, explore and learn as much as you can. Then share it and things will happen! I have seen it in such a short time. It can happen wherever you are. Whether in the depths of despair, depression, diagnosis or on the rise. Your happiness blueprint is inside you!

Monday, June 5, 2017

How to have the life you want when everything is a mess

How often do you think about your food and how it is broken down each and every day? Our bodies are amazing! Digestion is a process of breaking down food and making it into a substance that the body can use. It takes about 6-8 hours to fully digest and break everything down. That is a long time. It can't be rushed but it can be sabotaged. The truth is we don't really give our bodies the proper time to digest or eat all the nourishing food that it needs.

We digest not only our food but digest our daily life. Each day events happen and we try to process it the best we can. We feel feelings and store memories and thoughts as we try to break down those events.Some things and some foods are really hard to digest. Lately digestion has been something that I have been trying to improve because I have extremely poor digestion. Proteins and carbohydrates are harder to digest. Events that evoke stronger emotions are also harder to digest. Food that I eat is not being fully digested because of the damage to my gut. I realize to that I am not digesting all of life because my mind and heart have been damaged. This damage occurs when eating what we shouldn't and thinking negative thoughts and focusing on what we don't want instead of what we do.

To start focusing more on what I want in my I have been doing daily affirmations.These affirmations have definitely helped me see what can be but there is still so much conflict inside because of what I have been conditioned to believe for most of my life. That is, that stress and everything go together. That chaos is all around because that is what I often feel. I have often compared my emotions to a wave or tornado, and even a tsunami. All of these are things out of control and fiercely strong and torrent. I resist this conflict with all that is in me and wish it would just go away. Not that all of it would change, only I wish that too, but that I can see it differently and accept when my hands are tied as far as what is in my control. Nephi is a great example of not praying for his situation to change, even if he was bound by cords, but to be strengthened. I have been trying to figure out that connection to really accepting and being strengthened, rather than pushing it away or being fearful that things will never change. This is not just with my illness but relationships and things about myself too.

 Do you ever feel like there is so much to do in our lives and with ourselves, but no way to keep up? This way of thinking adds to our inner chaos and stress. We become our worst enemies by what we tell ourselves.I know because I learned that overwhelm was a state of living for me.We live in a fast paced world. We are so stuck in being busy. The gas is always on and our tanks are on empty. We have check lists and to do lists. We are productive alright but paying the price emotionally and physically. We are in a hamster wheel and it is hard to get out.

Just this week I  finished getting the kitchen clean and all I wanted was to take a shower. When I came out there was dishes and messes. I felt the "why me" creep into my mind and out of my mouth and tears welled up in my eyes. Some days the piles of dishes and laundry are enough to keep me in my bed most of the morning. The dread of "too much" and the emotional rollercoaster this can evoke is very real. Why does it all keep piling up? I want to just forget about it but so much begs for my attention. There is no doubt that it can feel like survival mode. That is a program my body knows all too well. Stress. Adrenaline. Feeling like a victim. Yes, those were my daily thought patterns. Peace has come more than it has in the past but it still can seem elusive in the heat of the moment or in frustration that the children won't help or make more messes. I keep thinking "don't they know I am sick.....Victim........or I can't do it by myself......victim, again. This is not good and it has to stop! Who is with me?

 Whose mess is it really? Is it more the outside mess or the inside mess that troubles us the most or both? So much to do and not enough energy to do it with. It has me questioning why all this inner and outer conflict? I cannot change someone so why do we see something that needs changing and someone else sees nothing? My kids have told me that they are fine with their rooms the way that they are. They are fine but I get all tied up inside.What am I missing here? This is all hard for me to digest and I just want to scream!

What we feel on the inside is mirrored in our outside world. I feel the conflict in me and in my family members too. Too many demands and no time for ourselves. We are doing the best we can but it feels like we are just balls of frustration and when we bump into each other we get even more of a charge and ignite. We become more scared, frustrated and out of control. I think it all comes down to this wish that things would be different than they are and not knowing how to enjoy this season in our life. This busy, crazy and messy time. It is too much to digest and consume all at once.Things keep breaking and so do we as we try to keep up. Who is in charge here anyway and why do we keep going when everything is saying slow down or stop? When we keep going and do not address the wounds that all this chaos is creating, then it is like we are putting a band aid on it and just keep going.We have no choice but to keep going.

Again Nephi had the right idea. To pray for strength. Nephi and his family were in the wilderness for years and they didn't know when they would stop and settle. I know the feeling! But Nephi knew the Lord would provide a way to accomplish all the Lord wanted them to do but that it wouldn't be easy. We can call upon that power and receive it. I have felt it. It is much harder to do when the problems keep showing up and we can't get a breath in otherwise or when they intensify and shake our very frames and crack our foundations.

Nephi demonstrates time and time again the importance of prayer. With prayer we can stand strong, knowing who we trust. Its knowing when to take a deep breath and do something or knowing when to not do something and take a break. This is really hard because even if you manage to catch a break somewhere you know that the mess is still there, waiting and growing. Right? Sigh. It makes it hard to enjoy a break. It is all what you put your FOCUS on! Things get out of balance and things get left or lost in the cracks. Usually the first to go is time you have for yourself. Your mental an emotional energy is all on fixing problems and stress will become chronic and overwhelm you. So how do we know when to keep walking and going the distance and when to pitch our tents and seek nourishment and replenish. How do we know when we get enough to keep going?

It is unsettling to be always moving but not knowing when we will get to that peace or become what we are trying to become. I get that it is a  process and a journey but how do you enjoy the journey when you are so weary? It takes time and learning to set priorities. If you don't know what should be a priority ask, PRAY! Redefining what is a priority can bring clarity when you are not sure what to focus on.The hardest step in all of this is to let things go that aren't high on your priority list. You are juggling a lot of duties and expectations. Make sure the ones that drop out are the right ones and not your sanity, because then they all fall! Taking care of your needs is not selfish it is a necessity! Learn to recognize when you are about a half a tank and refuel. Ditch the guilt that you should be doing other things. Pray for strength and keep going. You will be able to digest and fully absorb all that life has to offer when we change our focus and let go of the to do's and busyness. We are changing our inner vessel even if nothing else changes in our outer world. But the way we see and interact with our outer world will change. The way we see our lives and what they can be will change. End result-we get more of the life we want and imagine we can have!

Thursday, May 18, 2017

The path of healing is a long and joyful jouney-week 2

I used to think that I had no control over what I thought. This very thought alone is depressing and so limiting. No wonder I had so many feelings of hopelessness and being stuck. I was! So many of us walk around feeling hopelessness and victimized by our circumstances. Most of us do not realize how much we are limiting ourselves and what we really can do!I am happy to realize now, that this belief of having no control isn't true! I am not a victim of circumstance and neither are you!!! Of course like most of the paths of change we tread, it is bumpy and fraught with obstacles to overcome. How can we learn differently after a decade of holding on to so much pain and negative patterns?When I first started thinking that there was a way out of negative thinking, a couple of years ago, I was told to do positive affirmations. I tried them but my brain fought back like a petulant toddler and I only did it for a short while. I felt silly and I gave up. That is what most of us do if things aren't working. That is not to say that this is a bad thing. We are progressing and we need to be ready. Sometimes we just aren't ready and need to sit a little longer in the thought that change is possible. We also get a new tool to put into our emotional tool box. I definitely was not in a place a year or two ago where I really could use this new information. Why? Because it is new programming and our minds don't want to change they want to stay the way they are, even to our own detriment, because that is what they are used to.

 I know now I am on a different path though, to feel and do things differently. Just recently I started meditating to mange stress and to heal and let go of so many things I have been carrying. I don't really get into all the energy and vibration aspect of it. The deep breathing is delicious to me and so are the feelings of release. I didn't know that if we do not resolve a negative emotion we store it in our body, in our tissues, and the body and mind builds on this negative thought. It somehow convinces us that we are going to die if we think these negative things. This causes us to depress these emotions and it is no wonder that depression manifests itself if we keep denying these emotions and needs. They are stored and a subconscious program is created. We add to it and it becomes so natural to think these thoughts that eventually we go on auto pilot and keep living our lives. These thoughts tell us its not safe which sends out those fight or flight hormones. Then those hormones affect your blood sugar and blood pressure and your body continues to be stressed and unhappy because of all the baggage you are holding onto! Your frontal area of the brain is also sabotaged. Pretty soon you have multiple diseases. You feel stuck and scared and the cycle continues.That is the short of it. I am not saying this is the only way that disease is created or that a baby born with cancer brought it upon themselves. Not at all. It is just life. I am saying that there are things we do that our body doesn't like and tries to tell us. It is at a "dis-ease" inside. The idea is that we do not feeling at ease inside our bodies, whether, it is physical, emotional or mentally. Our bodies, which are a gift from God are screaming at us

My mind has been blown away by what I have been learning! As I mentioned before I have been meditating and doing positive affirmations. I say things like I am or I have. I recently discovered the ones that Loiuse Hay has put on you tube and I am pleasantly surprised at how my mind and heart is responding! I never realized how I was creating such thoughts of fear and scarcity in my body. My body felt like it was in survival mode and I didn't know when I would be safe or have enough food because of not being able to eat anything or even if I would have enough money. These ideas are new to me but they are creating such a stir and energy that I can't ignore or forget where all of this comes from, My Heavenly Father. He wants me to be happy and feels I am ready for this kind of growth, or so I hope.;)

Now I feel I am really getting to the root of things and ready for healing. I may not be cured in the physical sense but I can be at peace and heal in a spiritual emotional sense. You can tell that you are getting to the root of your pain by the feelings of relief and accepting what comes into your mind and also being willing to learn from it. I am healing from my past and so is my body. I never realized what I was carrying and what was influencing my action and my thoughts. We all have unresolved emotions and thoughts from our past.My root and cause of some if not all of my fatigue and disease is fear! Fear of unresolved feeling and trauma. My beliefs and behaviors became dominated by lack and scarcity. I didn't love myself or my aching body. That was it! I had caused this by making my problems the problem, when really it was how I responded to it, my attitude toward the problem.It was how I let people and situations have all the control. I truly believed I was the victim because that is what I learned as a child. I believed that tension and love went together. That I am not good enough. How can I truly love others as the Savior taught, if I can't even love myself? It was easy and normal for me to blame my parents or others for my problems and circumstances. It is so much harder to admit that I do not love myself and am not talking very nicely to myself most of the time. God loves me and he loves you and that is a thought that needs nurturing and to grow. I know as it grows so does all things good that come from it. We have to make room for this thought in all the confusion, fear and static.

This need to understand my inner dialogue has intensified and I have tried to make big changes really quickly. That of course ended in failure and me feeling like a victim and overwhelmed, and of course, more negative self talk and criticism. What I learned was I needed a more solid foundation to stand on first. I decided to journal and just sit with this idea and process that I could change. I prayed to know I was loved and what I should do. Within a month I was saying I love and accept myself and All is well. I felt a pull and a shift to heal and let go of things. Simple but powerful. I began to build on the foundation that God loved me and wants me to be happy. He wants me to rise above being a victim and to make lasting changes and have vibrant health. He wants us to think and act as he does. There is no surer foundation and exemplar than Christ and his gospel. I have always known that, but my grasp of it, has grown. If you do not know that with every tingling part of your body then I would challenge you to come to that knowledge and belief. Watch it grow and enjoy all the small but delightful changes and love that come your way. Change is only a Christ like thought away! Start small and let it sink in and really take root inside your heart. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings and I wish the same for each of you!

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

The path of healing is a long and joyful journey-week 1

I have been trying to heal for sometime. Why? Healing takes time. It is so hard and frustrating and progress is slow.Any of you on a healing journey my heart goes out to you because it is a hard path to take. But if you have a strong enough reason why you want what you do, then it can be enough to keep you motivated and moving. Each of us are different but all of us want a healthy happy life. For those of us healing from chronic illness the road we walk can seem uneventful and limited. I am here to tell you the path to healing has numerous possibilities. It does not define us.Some paths come to a dead end and others appear. My current path is not always very clear. I knew that I wanted to find lasting happiness and be rid of my depression. I also wanted to find more lasting results to my Fibromialgia.

If you are the type to do your research, like me, you most likely feel overwhelmed by any or all the changes you have to make. I have had too many paths open up lately that I have been confused on which to take. I do know that asking God is my best way to know if I am on the right path or not. James 1:5-6 tells us that if any of us lack wisdom let him ask of God. We have to ask! We also have to be faithful and trust that those answers will come. As I wait for guidance I still have a choice to make. Which path will I choose? Maybe I am just afraid to take a new path that took me away from the familiar? I chose to stay on my current path and look for opportunities to change if I wanted to or felt impressed to. The events over the last few weeks has altered my path considerably.

Here is what has been happening.I went into the doctor because I was out of some medications, which I hate to be taking, but right now that is my only option. I did some more lab work and left feeling more confused and hopeless than ever. I also met with a functional doctor and he wanted me to invest in his program and supplements and told me I was seriously sick. He said on a scale of 1-10, 10 being death I was a 7 or 8. I felt hope that he could fix many things that my conventional doctor would just medicate, but it still didn't feel right. I have been feeling for sometime now that I need to be an advocate for my health but I didn't know how. That is when I went on the internet like I always do and started to get more ideas of what was out there. I knew that my stomach and digestion was in trouble so I decided I would stick to my diet but eliminate carbs except for veggies. I did this so I could get rid of candida. I knew I had that because of oral thrush and other symptoms. Goodbye corn and Costa Vida!!! I also added coconut oil and green smoothies with spinach and cucumbers a couple times a day. I started that on the 28th of April. Then the insomnia kicked in. I couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep. I drink a ghi shake during the day and I decided to move it to the evening to help me stay full and my blood sugar not to drop. I figured that is what was keeping me up. I was hungry! I am always hungry!!

The next step was besides to starve them was to kill them! Drop a bomb on them! Those succors has to die!!!! It was my body after all!!! I went into the health food store after reading about natural antibiotics and bought some oil of oregano. When I got home I felt sick and tight in my stomach and I no longer felt like oregano was a good option. I decided to look more on the internet and I am glad I did because I probably would have killed them but them the toxins they released would overwhelm my almost sluggish liver and exhausted adrenals. So my once clear path seems less clear yet again but I kept looking at what others had done and was set on starving all pathogens I could. I also started putting himaylan salt in my water because I knew my electrolytes were low from lab results.

It has been a week and I have had one really good day on Tuesday. I felt good I mediated. I wrote and I went outside and did some Sun salutations and some grounding with my bare feet. I talked with a neighbor and had a great time visiting and enjoying the sun after a full week of rain. She gave me a book called Cleanse and purify thyself by Richard Anderson. I was excited to read it. The next day I had plenty of time to read it because I had no energy at all!The next day and the next was the same. I was too tired to do anything. I must have done too much. It is hard when feeling good is such a rarity to not live it up but you must know what you will be sacrificing if you do too much! Sometimes I just take that chance and hope you won't crash and burn. It is a chance that I took. I used to say I was suffering for it but I feel the pull to heal and that day was healing for my soul and heart so it was worth it!

My focus and possibly a whole new path has changed from focusing so much on my diet to listening to my body and ask why I hurt where I do? What is my body telling me? I also started to do that with my emotions. Just within a couple of days of being more aware I have felt more hope and felt more loving toward myself and my body than I ever have!! It is still a challenge when I am stressed or triggered by something that brings me back to my childhood trauma. Wheather can kick my butt! It is taking all the mental exertion I have to stay aware and in control of my thoughts and emotions.

The biggest lesson I have learned  is that these paths that open up are not always ones you will take but these paths let us know there is hope and other options out there and this has been huge! I am all in! I know that I will be guided where to go and make decisions for my health whatever they may be. I keep walking and trusting and increasing in strength and trust. Even though the changes are slow and almost unnoticeable things are changing I feel the pull to better health and vibrant living. This is true whether I am lying down or standing in the sun doing some yoga. ;)

Now it is your turn.Here is how you know if you are experiencing an inner change:
1.Old habits and thinking no longer make sense
2.You are veracious for knowledge
3.Opportunities are opening up
4.Desires for change are increasing