Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Fatigued and failing

I used to wake up on days like this, stormy and dark, feeling like a failure already because I hurt so bad. I knew I would not be able to do what I wanted to do for the day before the day had even started. This is the life of chronic illness. You are forced to choose what you want to do because of how little energy you have. You may not have Fibro but it seems like many woman these days are walking around exhausted, pulled in so many directions and feeling guilty because they got nothing done. Exhausted, out of fuel and running on empty. If a car ran out of fuel it wouldn't be able to keep going yet we do that to ourselves constantly. We push and get things done anyway. It totally zaps the energy and joy out of life and you.

If I try to push and keep going there is a terrible price to pay. It comes in the form of being exhausted in mind body and spirit. I wake up with my skin feeling like it is on fire and completely wiped like I had run a marathon or something. I have been struggling with fatigue for a while now and just when I think I have figured out my pace something shifts or changes. It can be frustrating but the little scientist sees a challenge and an experiment.

If I can only do one thing what would it be?

I have so much to do but no gas in the tank. My choice is practically made for me. Days like today are a warning that I better park myself and not force anything or I will be sorry.

I am learning to focus my mind, heart and body and God. That when I put him first everything else falls into place. That means choosing that one thing I want to do today and reassessing if I can do more. Everything else I can do after that is like icing on the cake. I take my big bowl of leftover icing with a spoon and I sit there and lick what is left, totally in the moment and sweet victory.

 These are the days when my priorities become so clear because I don't want to be too tired for my family.That means letting A LOT of tasks go so I can focus on just the important ones. Those priorities are my relationships. I like to think of it like this.

Imagine you had to leave your home and you could only take what you could carry.

 These are your priorities.

My God,my family and myself and food and water.

"The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing "Steven R Covey

"When you put God first everything falls into place or drops out of our lives" Ezra Taft Benson

What is your main thing?

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

How you can get the suport you need as a mom to succeed in your home and life

Lately I have been telling my story wherever I go. There is power in our stories. Not only our stories but from where we were to where we are now. I can't believe how far I have come from being a walking stress ball and time bomb ready to go off. Really, it was no kind of life or at least at the time I didn't know how to love my life the way it was because I was completely in the dark. I was so much in my head and the stories I was telling myself since I was a kid and then adding to it as I went along.

So what has changed?

I hope you can see the change. I feel the light back in my life even though I am still sick with Fibromyalgia and always having to stop or change my thoughts instead of just running with them. It is as easy to play the victim card, self pity and self loathing as it is to be the victor, humble and self loving when things come into the light. The trick is to trick your brain. Lead your brain along a new path you want it to go. I started doing that 2 years ago and already I can notice when I am triggered and course correct quicker. I can fill my mind with light instead of negative and dark. When I say its easy I mean the choice is. Once you have the knowledge it is up to you to get help and act on it. Getting help and support can look different in so many ways. It may mean therapy, it may mean medicine. It may mean finding routines to keep you out of the dark in the first place. I love what Elder Uchtdorf said in a talk Bearers of Heavenly Light



"Darkness is not an indication that there is no light. Most often, it simply means we’re not in the right place to receive the light."

 I was in the wrong place it wasn't me. I wasn't a horrible person after all. I just needed to stand for what and who I was, a daughter of God. I needed to get in a better place to be more open to the support my Heavenly Father was trying to give me. I want you to find support and receive what you need and please be kind and watch that inner critic.

I needed therapy. I am not ashamed. The hardest part was after the sessions I was left with big emotions and not sure what to do next. The darkness and hopelessness were still there. That gave me an idea. It was the feelings of what to do next, where to start to pick up the pieces of your life or how to keep going broken and confused that was the problem. My heart started to reach out more for opportunities to find woman in distress or in stress mode. Most of us are stressed but what if it becomes chronic? I saw how woman were trying so hard to get everything done and feeling unaccomplished at night. A light bulb went off. These woman, you, may be in stress mode and not even know it. I know because that was me.

To make things more interesting, we are all different in our beliefs and thoughts, our challenges and demands on our time. The long lists, the trying to get more done and to be a better mom weighed heavily on me and so many woman I met. We all try so hard but feel like we got nothing done or nothing fun is on our list. We are doing and busy but maybe a little lost because we have become just a mom. Lost and in survival mode and wanting more but not sure how.

I haven't been blogging as much because I started my own group, Motivated mamas. I wanted to create a safe space for moms to go and find the help and support so needed. Motivation comes down to wanting to jump out of bed and start your day to pulling the covers back over your head. My hope is that this community will grow and that we as moms can be our best selves and help our children do the same. The difference for me to being excited for my day and pulling back the covers is YOU. To be there for you when the fears, I don't know what to do next or where to start...... creeps in. You know you want a change but it all feels so overwhelming. We cannot act from a place of stuck and overwhelm. Whether you have followed my journey or just found me today. I hope you come and find what you are looking for. Kiss the stress away and your babies more!

Check it out and share with others moms.https://www.facebook.com/groups/motivatedmamaswithKristianneRushton/


Friday, March 23, 2018

The light in my Depression

The last couple of weeks have been emotional for me. Some days it just feels like you're being buried by everything in your life. Some days I think I'm free of depression. Then without warning it just hits me.It can be like a tidal wave or small chains and shackles pulling me down slowly. Today was one of those tidal wave days. It knocked me down and I didn't think I would get back up. I had several things that we're very difficult to deal with,all at the same time and I didn't see how they would ever be fixed?
 
 I felt ALONE.
 
I couldn't SEE.


Last week on Friday morning I woke up and the cloud was still there. I just kept crying and was just so tired. I knew what was happening but felt powerless to stop it. Fear had rolled in. I've been at that place of feeling hopeless. It is heavy. It is relentless. It used to be everyday. I was scared that it was going to stay again. I felt weak but knew I couldn't let it stay. It was really hard but I sent a text to some of my closest friends and ask them to pray for me. I knew I didn't have the strength that day. Rather, I forgot what strength I do have when I put my trust in God. I knew I didn't want to let the sadness take over. I gave my friends no explanation just that I couldn't talk right then andt I just needed their prayers and love.

 I eended up sleeping all morning and anytime I was awake I would cry. Mornings have been very different for me the last year or so. It has been one of study, meditation and deciding I was in charge of my day. I made things happen. This was a heavy dark morning and out of the norm of what I have been doing.
 
It wasn't until the afternoon that I was able to get my achey, tired, and beaten body up out of bed. I hadn't eaten anything yet.I was able to eat. I chose to go outside. I needed the sun. I needed the light. When the darkness comes I look for the light. I try to crowd out the thoughts and darkness with scriptures and talks. I could tell the Lord heard my prayers and the prayers of my friends. I felt that strength.It is hard to explain how the darkness was lifted ,but I am grateful that I could get up. I could recognize what was happening. I could make small choices to lead me to bigger ones. Choice over fear and feeling paralyzed.

 It was definitely scary to think that I might not get out. But then I knew if I fell, if I got stuck, that I was letting the circumstances dictate how I should feel. I know this is no longer how I want to think. It is no longer who I want to be. I know I'm stronger than I was before, that I am building better self awareneness ,but I also know that I couldn't have done it without the power of prayer and God's love and the wonderful people around me.
 
 I'm feeling hopeful again and it is growing every day.The feelings I was feelings are not so intense anymore. They're still there. But that heavy weight has been lifted. I can find my way to the light and so can you. Some days it requires all the strength that you have. Other days you just stay hidden and hope it ends soon. I know both of those kind of days. And I choose to crawl out of the dark hole of self pity and despair. I choose to let my friends be there for me. I choose the light over the darkness.

 What do you choose?

 Light at last: Maybe you aren't there yet, free and happy, but I know you can choose to end the power and control Depression or any diagnosis or struggle has on you. You choose or something else chooses for you. It only has power if we let it. Let the light in. Let this be your healing step with many more to follow. I believe in you wherever you are. Come into the light. Come out of the darkness of whatever thoughts or feelings you have that drag you down. Choose.


Friday, March 9, 2018

Old story new begining

I started blogging about 10 years ago. I had just been diagnosed with Depression and Celiac disease. It felt like a punch in the gut and that I would never eat anything I wanted or be happy again!!! My little spark of hope went out and I felt unsupported and in total darkness. This little blog fueled my desire to get out what was in my head and I hoped to find other woman depressed and lonely or to help them. Although, just starting I could barely take care of myself. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew is I was doing it and that it gave me something to do and a voice. I didn't have a voice before or a self esteem or even know why I was a mom. Pretty bleak and depressing wouldn't you say?


 
A few years later I thought moving to a bigger safer neighborhood would take care of all my woes. There was someone in my church that was bullying me and it only kept me down and powerless. In fact my whole life I really never felt good physical or mentally and saw myself as a victim wherever I went. I didn't know that was what I was thinking though. So I was always looking for a way out. I wanted to feel safe and I didn't. I moved into my new house and new hope moved in too. It didn't take long to see that it didn't matter where I was. The pain and the unresolved issues at my other home and my whole life just followed me. Plus, I was new and didn't know anyone. Everyone was very friendly and nice but I had this big secret that I thought no one would want to really be my friend. I was alone, a victim and getting sicker by the day. I was such a joy to be around....NOT! Again who would want to be my friend. How could they? I was a mess. My home was a mess. Little did I know that God would turn my inward and outward mess into a message. That the darkness would be turned to light. Hopelessness into a spark of hope.

Before this light really could grow and I had to experience my final blow. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and IBS before my fourth child was born. My little new born baby was also struggling with food and we found out he was allergic to almost everything. I didn't realize that I would share the same fate. I was too exhausted to blog and to do the school lessons. I did this while I wrote about my journey. I thought maybe other moms would want to do the lessons. I also wrote about what I was going to feed this baby. Nothing in my life felt easy breezy. To keep my sanity I prayed and I wrote when my mind was clear enough to do so. I was sleep walking through my life. Until....a friend woke me up. She invited me to this group of woman. I have written about them before. It was the first time I heard me too! I had finally found woman that knew what I was going through. They understood and I was safe. I never felt safe before, loved or supported and it was all how I saw the world. If these woman could rise from their pain and circumstances. I could to!

The final piece of the puzzle was when I learned how our thoughts have the power to create. That I was creating my misery. It was a hard pill to swallow and it didn't go down well at first. However, because of these woman I had started gathering evidence that I could look at things differently. That it was okay to feel differently then I actually felt and that I could retrain my brain and my pain. What?? I am telling you right now. I did not expect God to tell me to look at myself when I was the victim here. There were people who hurt me and continued to hurt me as I relived it over and over. Depression wasn't me. It was a thought pattern that turned into a chemical change in my brain because I had been thinking this way for so long. It still needs to be diagnosed and dealt with by a health care professional because it is a chemical imbalance. But there is hope because there are things we can do in the meantime and people who have overcome it, like me. Winter is still hard but I have built up my awareness over the last 2 years. Every time I catch dark thoughts creeping in I course correct a little easier and faster. I no longer stay in the darkness but look for the light until it crowds out the darkness again. I do it as many times as it takes.

I have learned:
  1. To watch my thoughts and to turn my thoughts to God
  2. That my happiness is my choice and not due to my circumstances
  3. To heal my relationships with God, myself, my family
  4. To allow forgiveness and to let go of victim mentality
  5. To heal my mindset and view of time and money


Most of all when I want answers or want someway to analyze or point fingers it always comes back to me. I don't blame myself for this anymore. I know I didn't know any better so I kept going with what I knew. I know my blueprint for happiness. My thoughts create good in my life or bad. There is always another obstacle over the one I get over. How else are we supposed to grow. It is part of Gods plan for us to struggle and grow from it. We might as well be happy. I tried being miserable and that didn't work so well. So if you are asking why me? Why not you? What are you supposed to learn from this? How can it help you grow where you are and how can you teach it to others? These are the questions I ask myself everyday. The dark thoughts still come but I do not let them stay too long before questioning them and understanding why they are there. Thoughts are thoughts. Thoughts I have shared with you have helped me learn and grow and figure things out. I am ready to serve deeper and grow this idea born out of my struggles into really helping people. I will be moving soon to a new website. Stay posted. Stay with me as I again tackle my next obstacle. I will continue to blog here until this move is complete and I want you to come with me! Stay tuned. Stay happy. Keep learning and going! Stay with me because I want to know you better.

Friday, February 2, 2018

3 way to let go without forcing

I have always been a person who gets frustrated when I can't do something or figure something out fast enough. I was like that as a kid. I have always been so tight. A big stress ball. My mom told me that one day at recess she watched me play dodge ball. She said that I closed my eyes and tightened up when the ball was thrown every time. When I would get out she saw me physically relax and let go. Needless to say I was a tense kid at school and at home. At night my Mom would have to sing to me and rub my arm to calm me down. I can't really do that to myself but it works like a charm😉.

 
 
Since I have started listening to my body more I have noticed how alone and weighted down I feel some days. I just want the pain, the piles of things not getting done because I am sick or too tired, to go away ,but it doesn't. I have heard that what you resist persists. Like a needy person always hanging around.What we focus on grows. I see this neediness in my kids sometimes that no matter how much time and attention I give to them, its not enough. They want more. This is how it feels today with the projects, self care and self improvement I am attempting to do. It feels like a needy child that whatever I give isn't enough.The house will never get clean. I will never finish. There is not enough time.
 
 What is a reoccurring thought that you are resisting? Why are you resisting it? I believe a lot of times we resist because we are fearful and wanting to be done with what is ailing us or weighing heavily on our mind. Why do we hold on so hard and have trouble letting go?
 
I was also told how sensitive I was and that I shouldn't cry or I should be able to get over something. Those who told me this meant well, but that became a big trigger for me and a ding in my self esteem armor. Our sense of self protects us from slander and negative arrows thrown at us daily. But if we don't have much of an armor then it all becomes an attack and sinks deep into our heart and becomes a belief of who we are. What did they know? All of us big or small are just trying to make sense of our world and to feel safe. So why did I ever let someone who is struggling to know who they are themselves to have any effect on how I felt about me? Surely there is more inside than what they see on the outside. We are sons and daughters of God and shouldn't be beating ourselves up or believing others who don't realize the pain they are causing.

 I want to share with you 3 way that you can stop resisting your true feelings and start to let go. Imagine it like a balloon. You fill that balloon with all your worries, insecurities and old beliefs that don't serve you anymore. Fill it up and then let it go. Watch it go up into the sky until you can't see it anymore. Letting go like this feels natural and freeing and there is no forcing. I don't want you to be a stress ball like me as a little girl tense and waiting to be knocked down. The 3 ways to let go without forcing are 1)Learn to give up expectations 2) Be able to speak words of validation and affirmation. 3) Make self care a priority.
 
 
1)Learn to give up expectations on how you should or shouldn't feel or what you should or shouldn't get done. Perfection drives expectations which then drives frustration and overwhelm. You can't do anything well when you are overwhelmed. I have talked before of what happens when overwhelm is in the drivers seat. A lot of bad driving that is what! Swerving and honking and cursing and only stopping if it wants too. You have to give up what your day should look like and how much time you have or don't have. You have to give up labels that others gave you.
 
2)Be able to speak words of validation and affirmation to ourselves. I have found that a lot of our pain comes from needing validation or that things will be okay but we often don't hear it. Why not tell yourself how proud you are of you and what you are doing well. When I started doing this I no longer looked for it from others and I got more compliments from them anyway. Another thing you can do is to pray and ask God how he feels about you. He won't hurt you or leave you comfortless but you have to ask.
 
3) Lastly, you need to be doing self care. It needs to be in our schedules like an appointment. It is important because you can't do the inner work if your vessel is breaking down. You can't get to your destination if your check engine light is on in your car or you have a leaky gas tank and no energy. Self care is a must!

Start implementing these 3 thing in your life and you will be amazed at what wants to be freed. You will feel lighter and free to be you and create a better life for you and others around you each and every day.

 

Thursday, January 25, 2018

How to use Affirmations effectively and just for you!

Perhaps by now you have heard of affirmations. It is basically a way to flip your old negative script(stories you tell yourself) to a more positive one. The fact that it is repetitious allows it to start to change your brains neural pathways and make new ones! This is important for your goals too! Affirm it. State it as a fact. It is like you have already reached that goal and you are living it. Declare it strongly and with energy. That way what you want knows you want it and can find you! I am statements are powerful. For example, I am a clean person or I am a healthy person who exercises everyday. I am enough. I am calm and confident.

You are probably looking at these affirmations I used as an example and thinking that is random or that won't work for me. I get it. I tried affirmations many times before expecting a huge change and nothing happened. Well, actually the one thing that did happen is I immediately scoffed and said yeah that is not true! They didn't work because they were someone else's not personal to me. It wasn't until someone explained what affirmations do and how to set them that it worked!! It worked over time, little by little, and over much repetition and adjusting my affirmations.




Here is how you write an affirmation. I like to start with what I already know to be true. What am I good at or positive attributes about me. Then I write I am beautiful. I am a mentor and friend. By doing this your brain won't reject it because it is about you. It is a truth about you. Then when you get in the habit of reading your affirmations you can start working on deeper limiting beliefs(beliefs holding you back in some way) and negative thoughts. Expect your mind to fight you on this! Think about it? You have thought this way probably since you were a child. That is where we form most of out beliefs. These beliefs often don't serve us anymore as adults. So these beliefs are blocking you from who you really are and what you can really do. Affirmations break that block. It isn't like a wrecking ball kind of break more like chiseling away to let things in. You can even tell yourself I am choosing to believe new things about myself every day. Affirmations are great for goals which is what we are trying to achieve. Sometimes when start to dig things come up that you may need to work through before you can work on your goals. Keep trying them. You will find ones that make you feel lighter and tingly all over an then you know you are on the right track.They really are powerful when they are just for you!




One final tip! Write them down and use them. They won't do what they are meant to do when you don't use them regularly.

Okay one more! If you really want them to be powerful you can add visualization to them. To make both even more powerful add a positive emotion with it. Affirmations are not a quick fix.This all takes time and practice.

Here are the previous posts for claim your harvest
1.Claim your harvest for 2018
2.2 ways to clarify what you want
3.Lay it out and let it go


C-Clarity-Be clear on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it
L-Lay it out. Write it down and put your goals in a place you can see. Take away the urgency and perfectionism of it. Just let it be messy. Its like we are digging in the dirt and planting the seeds.
A-Affirm it -State it as a fact. It is like you have already reached that goal and you are living it. Declare it strongly and with energy. That way what you want knows you want it and can find you! I am statements are powerful. I am a clean person. Or I am a healthy person who exercises everyday.
I-Intention.Have a plan of action. Do something small like putting your shoes by your bed so you are ready to go on a walk. Clean a small area and be proud of what you did. Then build on that. Small actions bring about great things.
M-Move towards your goal again with the end in mind(your harvest). Keep moving forward no matter the obstacles and stumbling blocks in your way.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Lay it out and let it go-Why you should write goals down

The last few posts I have talked about claiming you harvest. Your harvest is what you have been working towards and waiting to grow just for you in 2018! You can watch the video on claiming your harvest on my Facebook page. You can also read about the last 2 posts if you missed them.
1.Claim your harvest for 2018
2.2 ways to clarify what you want

The first step to making our goals and dreams is to C clarify. Get clear on what you want.

Most of us groan when we think about goals. Yet goals are really important. However most of us do not write them down. When we leave them in our minds they take up much needed space in our heads. Goals do no good if they just float around in your head.  Your goals and you stay stuck in your progression unless you write them down. The act of writing on paper we activate the left and right parts of our brain and open it up to be more creative. We have the power to create what we want in our lives. Writing tells our whole body that we are serious and really want this! From our head to our toes kind of tingling wanting it! L in claiming our harvest is laying it out on paper and letting go of things that keep us stuck.

 Writing our goals down is like making a target with a bulls eye. The act of writing them down is like looking ahead and focusing on that target. By writing your goals down it changes your daily focus to those goals more and more. Can you see it happening? Not yet? Just wait! When you write and schedule time for those goals things just happen and resources just show up! So write it down and then take your aim! If you miss that is okay. Failure is part of making goals and claiming the best year ever!

The trick for goal setting is to aim high. This means you dream bigger to start with. After all you want to hit the bulls eye right? You also want to make sure that your bow is in working order. You are like the bow.You can't shoot with a broken bow. So always make sure you are in working order first. Your health, diet and exercise matter in order to fulfill your dreams. Steven R. Covey calls it sharpening the saw.

2% of Americans actually write their goals down.

 That is a lot of dreamers but not very much action. To act you have to remind yourself of what you are aiming for. Remember we talked about clarity? There is no better way to get clarity than to have clearly defined goals. Put them where you can see it. This provides constant reminders of what you want and makes creating priorities much easier. Your goals becomes more concrete and attainable and less like reaching for the stars. You also free up your mind when those dreams aren't floating around in there. More room to dream and create whatever you want.

Most importantly when distractions and obstacles come along that want to keep you stuck you have something like a G.P.S. to help get you there. Knowing what you want gives you power. It empowers you to take the next step. Take away the urgency and perfection from it. This is easier said than done. However, when we are aware that urgency and perfection are modes to keep us overwhelmed and stuck they can lose their power. We can call them out for what they are! Another thing to remember is very few people make it on their first try. We often fail. But with failure we learn to adjust and take aim again. Successful people keep trying after they fail because they actually get closer to their target each time they do. Failure can actually give you needed feedback to move forward and hit your target.

" Goals are no more than dreams being made into reality." Kristianne Rushton
 
 
 
C-Clarity-Be clear on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it
L-Lay it out. Write it down and put your goals in a place you can see. Take away the urgency and perfectionism of it. Just let it be messy. Its like we are digging in the dirt and planting the seeds.
A-Affirm it -State it as a fact. It is like you have already reached that goal and you are living it. Declare it strongly and with energy. That way what you want knows you want it and can find you! I am statements are powerful. I am a clean person. Or I am a healthy person who exercises everyday.
I-Intention.Have a plan of action. Do something small like putting your shoes by your bed so you are ready to go on a walk. Clean a small area and be proud of what you did. Then build on that. Small actions bring about great things.
M-Move towards your goal again with the end in mind(your harvest). Keep moving forward no matter the obstacles and stumbling blocks in your way.