Friday, September 1, 2017

How to give change a chance when dealing with Chronic illness

Summer has come and gone so fast!! I have not written much. Like most, it has been busy but not because I have been hopping around from activity to activity. It has really been a pretty relaxed summer. However I managed to fill it up with reading and listening to different health summits and very little writing. I used to write to figure things out. To get all the garbage floating around in my head out and on paper. I went through the victim why me stage to actually starting to figure a few things out now. Then getting impatient because nothing was changing.Nothing, as far as I could see anyway. But things have been changing so slowly.

Change is a process and when I accepted that I realized all of my discovery process was necessary part of my healing journey. True not much has changed, except me! Just imagine I have been locked up in a cocoon all summer and now I am emerging ready to fly on what I now know and wish I would have known before. Every part of my story feels more like a teaching tool then me being beat down, defenseless and overwhelmed. How many of you walk around frazzled and overwhelmed by all you have to do? It is a trap! Don't fall for it! What about your motivation and energy to live and love your life no matter what?

I have to be clear about something. My transformation is still happening. But I can't stay in a cocoon all my life. It is not meant to shut out all people and life experiences. It was more to give me a focus, direction for the rest of my life. I was really working on my mindset and reprogramming my brain. This can also take a lifetime as well. But, I have started the shift away from what I used to do, be and think.

Every morning I woke up excited to learn and borrow other peoples brains for a while. To get out of my head and not force anything. What happened? Something amazing! I created my power hour and my 10 year wellness plan. It took a while to get into this mess and it will take a while to get out of it! But I do see that I can have all I want and more! You can too! My family and I are just making little shifts. Little shifts toward greater peace of mind and happiness.

As I started to learn more I shed more of the things I didn't need and I tried not to fight my body wanting to do this. As I did this emotionally and physically I started wanting to get rid of all the junk in my home. One day I woke up and my kids had caught the decluttering bug too. They cleaned up their floors and under their beds. It is amazing to me to think of how much I was trying to force. When I relaxed things just happened on their own!

 I notices other great things. I had more energy. I was cleaning up a storm and eating and staying full and not feeling bloated. So I know it is possible to have what I want and that my body knows what it wants. When I listen and give my body what it needs then it can heal itself! Our bodies are really amazing! Remember God created us after his own image and likeness. He created us to be happy and it is our natural programming. So there is no need to really search for happiness because it is in us. We just have to re program and make sure to listen to the right voices and stay in the drivers seat.

It really feels like I have gone back to school. There is so much I didn't know!Everyday I was not in control and that is what made me feel out of control, fearful and overwhelmed. Who is driving in your life? Are you in turmoil inside your body or is your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual self all in balance?

The dread of everyday is gone. The amazing part is that my circumstances haven't changed.......yet.;) I am still trying to learn about what is making me sick and my food is the same. But I do not feel stuck or that I will never feel better. I visualize the life I want and go for it! !10 years is a long time to wait to be well but it also gives me enough time to heal and help my family do the same. I want to help you too! Take one little step and make a small, measurable change. Don't let that perfection bug get you! Focus on the process and the movement forward. Even if it is small and nothing seems to be changing. It is always an inner struggle and change before it can manifest itself in other aspects of our lives.

I still want to be real with you and share the ups and downs because this change is hard. It takes patience, kindness to yourself and others, and time. Lots and lots of time. You don't want to miss what your wellness journey is trying to teach you. You can get so much out of the trails and leaps of faith and to know that God feels you are ready. So be ready! Ready to jump in, explore and learn as much as you can. Then share it and things will happen! I have seen it in such a short time. It can happen wherever you are. Whether in the depths of despair, depression, diagnosis or on the rise. Your happiness blueprint is inside you!

Monday, June 5, 2017

How to have the life you want when everything is a mess

How often do you think about your food and how it is broken down each and every day? Our bodies are amazing! Digestion is a process of breaking down food and making it into a substance that the body can use. It takes about 6-8 hours to fully digest and break everything down. That is a long time. It can't be rushed but it can be sabotaged. The truth is we don't really give our bodies the proper time to digest or eat all the nourishing food that it needs.

We digest not only our food but digest our daily life. Each day events happen and we try to process it the best we can. We feel feelings and store memories and thoughts as we try to break down those events.Some things and some foods are really hard to digest. Lately digestion has been something that I have been trying to improve because I have extremely poor digestion. Proteins and carbohydrates are harder to digest. Events that evoke stronger emotions are also harder to digest. Food that I eat is not being fully digested because of the damage to my gut. I realize to that I am not digesting all of life because my mind and heart have been damaged. This damage occurs when eating what we shouldn't and thinking negative thoughts and focusing on what we don't want instead of what we do.

To start focusing more on what I want in my I have been doing daily affirmations.These affirmations have definitely helped me see what can be but there is still so much conflict inside because of what I have been conditioned to believe for most of my life. That is, that stress and everything go together. That chaos is all around because that is what I often feel. I have often compared my emotions to a wave or tornado, and even a tsunami. All of these are things out of control and fiercely strong and torrent. I resist this conflict with all that is in me and wish it would just go away. Not that all of it would change, only I wish that too, but that I can see it differently and accept when my hands are tied as far as what is in my control. Nephi is a great example of not praying for his situation to change, even if he was bound by cords, but to be strengthened. I have been trying to figure out that connection to really accepting and being strengthened, rather than pushing it away or being fearful that things will never change. This is not just with my illness but relationships and things about myself too.

 Do you ever feel like there is so much to do in our lives and with ourselves, but no way to keep up? This way of thinking adds to our inner chaos and stress. We become our worst enemies by what we tell ourselves.I know because I learned that overwhelm was a state of living for me.We live in a fast paced world. We are so stuck in being busy. The gas is always on and our tanks are on empty. We have check lists and to do lists. We are productive alright but paying the price emotionally and physically. We are in a hamster wheel and it is hard to get out.

Just this week I  finished getting the kitchen clean and all I wanted was to take a shower. When I came out there was dishes and messes. I felt the "why me" creep into my mind and out of my mouth and tears welled up in my eyes. Some days the piles of dishes and laundry are enough to keep me in my bed most of the morning. The dread of "too much" and the emotional rollercoaster this can evoke is very real. Why does it all keep piling up? I want to just forget about it but so much begs for my attention. There is no doubt that it can feel like survival mode. That is a program my body knows all too well. Stress. Adrenaline. Feeling like a victim. Yes, those were my daily thought patterns. Peace has come more than it has in the past but it still can seem elusive in the heat of the moment or in frustration that the children won't help or make more messes. I keep thinking "don't they know I am sick.....Victim........or I can't do it by myself......victim, again. This is not good and it has to stop! Who is with me?

 Whose mess is it really? Is it more the outside mess or the inside mess that troubles us the most or both? So much to do and not enough energy to do it with. It has me questioning why all this inner and outer conflict? I cannot change someone so why do we see something that needs changing and someone else sees nothing? My kids have told me that they are fine with their rooms the way that they are. They are fine but I get all tied up inside.What am I missing here? This is all hard for me to digest and I just want to scream!

What we feel on the inside is mirrored in our outside world. I feel the conflict in me and in my family members too. Too many demands and no time for ourselves. We are doing the best we can but it feels like we are just balls of frustration and when we bump into each other we get even more of a charge and ignite. We become more scared, frustrated and out of control. I think it all comes down to this wish that things would be different than they are and not knowing how to enjoy this season in our life. This busy, crazy and messy time. It is too much to digest and consume all at once.Things keep breaking and so do we as we try to keep up. Who is in charge here anyway and why do we keep going when everything is saying slow down or stop? When we keep going and do not address the wounds that all this chaos is creating, then it is like we are putting a band aid on it and just keep going.We have no choice but to keep going.

Again Nephi had the right idea. To pray for strength. Nephi and his family were in the wilderness for years and they didn't know when they would stop and settle. I know the feeling! But Nephi knew the Lord would provide a way to accomplish all the Lord wanted them to do but that it wouldn't be easy. We can call upon that power and receive it. I have felt it. It is much harder to do when the problems keep showing up and we can't get a breath in otherwise or when they intensify and shake our very frames and crack our foundations.

Nephi demonstrates time and time again the importance of prayer. With prayer we can stand strong, knowing who we trust. Its knowing when to take a deep breath and do something or knowing when to not do something and take a break. This is really hard because even if you manage to catch a break somewhere you know that the mess is still there, waiting and growing. Right? Sigh. It makes it hard to enjoy a break. It is all what you put your FOCUS on! Things get out of balance and things get left or lost in the cracks. Usually the first to go is time you have for yourself. Your mental an emotional energy is all on fixing problems and stress will become chronic and overwhelm you. So how do we know when to keep walking and going the distance and when to pitch our tents and seek nourishment and replenish. How do we know when we get enough to keep going?

It is unsettling to be always moving but not knowing when we will get to that peace or become what we are trying to become. I get that it is a  process and a journey but how do you enjoy the journey when you are so weary? It takes time and learning to set priorities. If you don't know what should be a priority ask, PRAY! Redefining what is a priority can bring clarity when you are not sure what to focus on.The hardest step in all of this is to let things go that aren't high on your priority list. You are juggling a lot of duties and expectations. Make sure the ones that drop out are the right ones and not your sanity, because then they all fall! Taking care of your needs is not selfish it is a necessity! Learn to recognize when you are about a half a tank and refuel. Ditch the guilt that you should be doing other things. Pray for strength and keep going. You will be able to digest and fully absorb all that life has to offer when we change our focus and let go of the to do's and busyness. We are changing our inner vessel even if nothing else changes in our outer world. But the way we see and interact with our outer world will change. The way we see our lives and what they can be will change. End result-we get more of the life we want and imagine we can have!

Thursday, May 18, 2017

The path of healing is a long and joyful jouney-week 2

I used to think that I had no control over what I thought. This very thought alone is depressing and so limiting. No wonder I had so many feelings of hopelessness and being stuck. I was! So many of us walk around feeling hopelessness and victimized by our circumstances. Most of us do not realize how much we are limiting ourselves and what we really can do!I am happy to realize now, that this belief of having no control isn't true! I am not a victim of circumstance and neither are you!!! Of course like most of the paths of change we tread, it is bumpy and fraught with obstacles to overcome. How can we learn differently after a decade of holding on to so much pain and negative patterns?When I first started thinking that there was a way out of negative thinking, a couple of years ago, I was told to do positive affirmations. I tried them but my brain fought back like a petulant toddler and I only did it for a short while. I felt silly and I gave up. That is what most of us do if things aren't working. That is not to say that this is a bad thing. We are progressing and we need to be ready. Sometimes we just aren't ready and need to sit a little longer in the thought that change is possible. We also get a new tool to put into our emotional tool box. I definitely was not in a place a year or two ago where I really could use this new information. Why? Because it is new programming and our minds don't want to change they want to stay the way they are, even to our own detriment, because that is what they are used to.

 I know now I am on a different path though, to feel and do things differently. Just recently I started meditating to mange stress and to heal and let go of so many things I have been carrying. I don't really get into all the energy and vibration aspect of it. The deep breathing is delicious to me and so are the feelings of release. I didn't know that if we do not resolve a negative emotion we store it in our body, in our tissues, and the body and mind builds on this negative thought. It somehow convinces us that we are going to die if we think these negative things. This causes us to depress these emotions and it is no wonder that depression manifests itself if we keep denying these emotions and needs. They are stored and a subconscious program is created. We add to it and it becomes so natural to think these thoughts that eventually we go on auto pilot and keep living our lives. These thoughts tell us its not safe which sends out those fight or flight hormones. Then those hormones affect your blood sugar and blood pressure and your body continues to be stressed and unhappy because of all the baggage you are holding onto! Your frontal area of the brain is also sabotaged. Pretty soon you have multiple diseases. You feel stuck and scared and the cycle continues.That is the short of it. I am not saying this is the only way that disease is created or that a baby born with cancer brought it upon themselves. Not at all. It is just life. I am saying that there are things we do that our body doesn't like and tries to tell us. It is at a "dis-ease" inside. The idea is that we do not feeling at ease inside our bodies, whether, it is physical, emotional or mentally. Our bodies, which are a gift from God are screaming at us

My mind has been blown away by what I have been learning! As I mentioned before I have been meditating and doing positive affirmations. I say things like I am or I have. I recently discovered the ones that Loiuse Hay has put on you tube and I am pleasantly surprised at how my mind and heart is responding! I never realized how I was creating such thoughts of fear and scarcity in my body. My body felt like it was in survival mode and I didn't know when I would be safe or have enough food because of not being able to eat anything or even if I would have enough money. These ideas are new to me but they are creating such a stir and energy that I can't ignore or forget where all of this comes from, My Heavenly Father. He wants me to be happy and feels I am ready for this kind of growth, or so I hope.;)

Now I feel I am really getting to the root of things and ready for healing. I may not be cured in the physical sense but I can be at peace and heal in a spiritual emotional sense. You can tell that you are getting to the root of your pain by the feelings of relief and accepting what comes into your mind and also being willing to learn from it. I am healing from my past and so is my body. I never realized what I was carrying and what was influencing my action and my thoughts. We all have unresolved emotions and thoughts from our past.My root and cause of some if not all of my fatigue and disease is fear! Fear of unresolved feeling and trauma. My beliefs and behaviors became dominated by lack and scarcity. I didn't love myself or my aching body. That was it! I had caused this by making my problems the problem, when really it was how I responded to it, my attitude toward the problem.It was how I let people and situations have all the control. I truly believed I was the victim because that is what I learned as a child. I believed that tension and love went together. That I am not good enough. How can I truly love others as the Savior taught, if I can't even love myself? It was easy and normal for me to blame my parents or others for my problems and circumstances. It is so much harder to admit that I do not love myself and am not talking very nicely to myself most of the time. God loves me and he loves you and that is a thought that needs nurturing and to grow. I know as it grows so does all things good that come from it. We have to make room for this thought in all the confusion, fear and static.

This need to understand my inner dialogue has intensified and I have tried to make big changes really quickly. That of course ended in failure and me feeling like a victim and overwhelmed, and of course, more negative self talk and criticism. What I learned was I needed a more solid foundation to stand on first. I decided to journal and just sit with this idea and process that I could change. I prayed to know I was loved and what I should do. Within a month I was saying I love and accept myself and All is well. I felt a pull and a shift to heal and let go of things. Simple but powerful. I began to build on the foundation that God loved me and wants me to be happy. He wants me to rise above being a victim and to make lasting changes and have vibrant health. He wants us to think and act as he does. There is no surer foundation and exemplar than Christ and his gospel. I have always known that, but my grasp of it, has grown. If you do not know that with every tingling part of your body then I would challenge you to come to that knowledge and belief. Watch it grow and enjoy all the small but delightful changes and love that come your way. Change is only a Christ like thought away! Start small and let it sink in and really take root inside your heart. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings and I wish the same for each of you!

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

The path of healing is a long and joyful journey-week 1

I have been trying to heal for sometime. Why? Healing takes time. It is so hard and frustrating and progress is slow.Any of you on a healing journey my heart goes out to you because it is a hard path to take. But if you have a strong enough reason why you want what you do, then it can be enough to keep you motivated and moving. Each of us are different but all of us want a healthy happy life. For those of us healing from chronic illness the road we walk can seem uneventful and limited. I am here to tell you the path to healing has numerous possibilities. It does not define us.Some paths come to a dead end and others appear. My current path is not always very clear. I knew that I wanted to find lasting happiness and be rid of my depression. I also wanted to find more lasting results to my Fibromialgia.

If you are the type to do your research, like me, you most likely feel overwhelmed by any or all the changes you have to make. I have had too many paths open up lately that I have been confused on which to take. I do know that asking God is my best way to know if I am on the right path or not. James 1:5-6 tells us that if any of us lack wisdom let him ask of God. We have to ask! We also have to be faithful and trust that those answers will come. As I wait for guidance I still have a choice to make. Which path will I choose? Maybe I am just afraid to take a new path that took me away from the familiar? I chose to stay on my current path and look for opportunities to change if I wanted to or felt impressed to. The events over the last few weeks has altered my path considerably.

Here is what has been happening.I went into the doctor because I was out of some medications, which I hate to be taking, but right now that is my only option. I did some more lab work and left feeling more confused and hopeless than ever. I also met with a functional doctor and he wanted me to invest in his program and supplements and told me I was seriously sick. He said on a scale of 1-10, 10 being death I was a 7 or 8. I felt hope that he could fix many things that my conventional doctor would just medicate, but it still didn't feel right. I have been feeling for sometime now that I need to be an advocate for my health but I didn't know how. That is when I went on the internet like I always do and started to get more ideas of what was out there. I knew that my stomach and digestion was in trouble so I decided I would stick to my diet but eliminate carbs except for veggies. I did this so I could get rid of candida. I knew I had that because of oral thrush and other symptoms. Goodbye corn and Costa Vida!!! I also added coconut oil and green smoothies with spinach and cucumbers a couple times a day. I started that on the 28th of April. Then the insomnia kicked in. I couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep. I drink a ghi shake during the day and I decided to move it to the evening to help me stay full and my blood sugar not to drop. I figured that is what was keeping me up. I was hungry! I am always hungry!!

The next step was besides to starve them was to kill them! Drop a bomb on them! Those succors has to die!!!! It was my body after all!!! I went into the health food store after reading about natural antibiotics and bought some oil of oregano. When I got home I felt sick and tight in my stomach and I no longer felt like oregano was a good option. I decided to look more on the internet and I am glad I did because I probably would have killed them but them the toxins they released would overwhelm my almost sluggish liver and exhausted adrenals. So my once clear path seems less clear yet again but I kept looking at what others had done and was set on starving all pathogens I could. I also started putting himaylan salt in my water because I knew my electrolytes were low from lab results.

It has been a week and I have had one really good day on Tuesday. I felt good I mediated. I wrote and I went outside and did some Sun salutations and some grounding with my bare feet. I talked with a neighbor and had a great time visiting and enjoying the sun after a full week of rain. She gave me a book called Cleanse and purify thyself by Richard Anderson. I was excited to read it. The next day I had plenty of time to read it because I had no energy at all!The next day and the next was the same. I was too tired to do anything. I must have done too much. It is hard when feeling good is such a rarity to not live it up but you must know what you will be sacrificing if you do too much! Sometimes I just take that chance and hope you won't crash and burn. It is a chance that I took. I used to say I was suffering for it but I feel the pull to heal and that day was healing for my soul and heart so it was worth it!

My focus and possibly a whole new path has changed from focusing so much on my diet to listening to my body and ask why I hurt where I do? What is my body telling me? I also started to do that with my emotions. Just within a couple of days of being more aware I have felt more hope and felt more loving toward myself and my body than I ever have!! It is still a challenge when I am stressed or triggered by something that brings me back to my childhood trauma. Wheather can kick my butt! It is taking all the mental exertion I have to stay aware and in control of my thoughts and emotions.

The biggest lesson I have learned  is that these paths that open up are not always ones you will take but these paths let us know there is hope and other options out there and this has been huge! I am all in! I know that I will be guided where to go and make decisions for my health whatever they may be. I keep walking and trusting and increasing in strength and trust. Even though the changes are slow and almost unnoticeable things are changing I feel the pull to better health and vibrant living. This is true whether I am lying down or standing in the sun doing some yoga. ;)

Now it is your turn.Here is how you know if you are experiencing an inner change:
1.Old habits and thinking no longer make sense
2.You are veracious for knowledge
3.Opportunities are opening up
4.Desires for change are increasing

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Somethings old and something new-old battles and new challenges

Hi there! It has been a while since I have written. I am alive still but living on a prayer! Really!!! I feel that there is so much that I need God's help with right now. I am constantly trying to check in with prayer and see how I am doing and feeling. We had General Conference  just a few weeks ago and like always it filled my soul and buoyed up my faith. I know that faith cane be built upon by our experiences. When we have a faith promoting experience we can remember it. That is why General Conference is so powerful for me.

 I also felt like there was some really good challenges issued. First, Russell M Nelson issued a challenge to read everything in the scriptures about the Savior. He said to go to the topical guide under "Jesus Christ" and to read the subtitles. President Thomas S Monson issued a challenge to read the book of Mormon everyday and ponder on them. I have been trying to help my children get in the habit by reading a verse a day. Keeping it simple and getting them used to daily promises that will help them stay strong and righteous the rest of their life. We want the end result that often tines we forget about the work we must do to get where we want to be spiritually.

I like these kind of challenges. Challenges that help me become stronger. It is harder when you are experiencing a challenge that you don't want and are not sure how you will make it through. You just want someone to take it off your shoulders. Challenges are faith building if we are humble and ask the Lord for help. Then he guides you little by little.

I have been searching and searching for answers. I have read so many people claiming to have found  a cure for what ails them. For a while I thought that I was on my way to wellness. But it is a slow progress if any. I had to take a break from research and writing my book this week. I felt like I was going to go crazy! I just have been trying to enjoy our spring break. It is colder than I would like for Spring but we had a few good weather days. We went to an amazing park one of the days. It was huge! Here are some pictures from the Veteran Memorial Park in West Jordan.
Image may contain: outdoor Image may contain: 1 person, sitting, sky and outdoor

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I crashed on Sunday after such a busy week. On the diet and health front is not so great to report. That is probably the biggest reason why I  haven't been writing. I don't want to be boring or whiny, but I also feel like part of this blog is about my continuing journey, so I am taking a chance and sharing it. It is ever changing just like our weather. I am still losing a lot of weight not in a good happy way. To give a little background of 10 years of health issues. I was about 115 pounds when the stomach pains started again. This was after I had been off gluten for about 3 years. I thought that would fix it all. After the birth of my son and finding out, to my horror, that he couldn't eat hardly anything, I went on the same diet he was on until I could wean him off of nursing. Then after he was weaned I celebrated for like a week eating whatever I wanted except gluten, I discovered the stomach pains returning. My doctor took me off of dairy and that snowballed over the years into taking more and more out of my diet. Things are getting worse and new diagnosis are popping up like annoying pimples! I have had many struggles with my newest diagnosis of Premenstrual  Dysphoric disorder (PMDD)It makes my normal depression seem like a rabbit in comparison. It is a severe a disabling form of pms. I felt like I was making progress but am back to broth and chicken and a select veggies. I cook broth and chicken every four days. Ever heard of Gaps diet. It is not where you get to go shopping at the gap and eating a smoothie or something. What about low Fodmap? I feel like and intestinal zoo and no way to cage these animals! I think my stomach still hurts because of SIBO (Small intestinal bacteria overgrowth) but I haven't been tested yet, so I won't know for sure until I do.I have also been trying to get my family to eat less gluten because of some suspected sensitivities I have noticed with the kids but it is a challenge. Most of our snacks are now gluten free though. Its a lot to handle just with mine and my little boys health as a full time job. That is only covering the fuel we put in our bodies. We still are trying to mesh all of our unique mental health needs and strong personalities. Someone please help me!!! It was a nice spring break but I can't  keep this pace up!!!

It feels like I am a one woman band. I am carrying all these things around and trying to manage them. Instead of them sounding melodious and harmonic they sound dissonant like I threw them all up in the air and let them come crashing down. Bang. Boom. Bong. Crash! I don't know how to play these instruments individually let alone at the same time! I am not sure what to do first. I want to focus on my kids and husband but my health keeps throwing me off. Then I am forced to focus on my health instead of a guide and help to my family. That is my visual for overwhelm.Feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed are feelings that I feel often despite not wanting to. What is a girl to do? Keep trying because that is what I do even if the odds are against me. That's me living on a prayer and doing what I have to do to survive!

Monday, March 6, 2017

I am the storm

I have had mixed feelings about this week. It started out with me trying the Gaps diet again. All I am doing is making broth and eating soup. My stomach has been hurting so bad and I want to cry that I can't eat anything again! Seriously! What is going on body? Do you hate me this much? It certainly feels like it. I am constantly in fight or flight mode with this beautiful mess of a life I live. I know its not good for me but I don't know how to handle the stress. Stress feels like a tornado. How do you handle a tornado? Get out of the way and find cover, or run for your life! How can I hide from all of this? There are days when it consumes me body and soul. It is ripping so much away from my life. I want to eat things but I can't. I want to clean my house but I can't. I want to help my children with issues they are going through or might go through but I am limited in what tools I can give them. I have cried and acted so irrationally that I feel so alone. I know that God is there and loves me but sometimes I just need more. Can't people read my mind? I wish. I really wish. I don't want to call and cry or admit to how I feel like a lost child who just wants their mommy. Pathetic but it is true, My house is so out of control and the kids must be feeling extra stress too because they seem off and prickly to each other and to me. They make life worth living and I fight for them. This life is not easy but whose is really?

I was thinking back to this month and there were so many storms and pressure changes.  This girls skin is on fire! I guess I am feeling a little like a mess and just like my house, I get so overwhelmed with it all. I cry and wish I could just find answers!! My latest quest besides practically starving to death is to look into thyroid issues. My gut tells me that the blood work isn't picking up on my distress. It really feels like my body is sending messages, no more like screaming at me. Just look in my face and you can see the pain and anguish. You can hear the agonizing heart breaking pleas of what do I do? What more can I do.? The storm is all around me but if I listen I hear "Be still and know that I am God." He is there. It is not a matter of not knowing that. He is who I turn to every day. Maybe I need more reminders around me to keep my mind focused and less torrent and violent inside?

 I have never felt more of a push to be my own advocate with my health. I am like a walking autoimmune advertisement but no one seems to pick up on my signals or how much I need help. I'm so tired of saying that I can't do something. I have tried to accept it but these feelings tonight are too strong and bleeding onto this post. I don't know how to ask for help when I need so much! The kids friends come over and I watch their eyes as they see the extent that this illness has affected me. I need miracles and energy that I just don't have and keep digging to find. I am overwhelmed again! Stressed and scared that my body is shutting down. I know I have to take baby steps but what if even those are too big right now? I just needed to vent because it is how I figure out how I am really doing. Maybe you can relate or feel less alone. I know that these feelings and thoughts are lies but there are days when the gusts are too strong to stand. There is nothing I can do! I keep going! I do! I keep moving against the pain. I keep searching for answers on my knees and anywhere I can. I am the eye of the storm and raging on. Please calm the winds and let me see clearly again.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Life is like a box of crayons

I was reading a talk this morning Knowing when to persevere and when to change direction by Janet G. Lee. I never know when something is going to prick my mind and heart so that I ponder on it again and again. This talk did just that to me. I love the stories that are told and then how they tie it into a gospel principle. Janet did just that and now I want to add it to my coping strategies and to read on those really hard days. Do you have quotes or talks like that? No matter how many times you listen or read them they speak peace to your soul.

I am not always weighed down with worry everyday but I am almost always tired and aching, especially this time of year. This limits what I can do on a given day. You can say I only have a few options available to me and that can be very frustrating. It means walking by messy rooms and not being able to clean them. It means saying no to things I really want to do. It means prioritizing and sacrificing. It also means resting when I want to be tackling my long list of to dos. For example. yesterday we traveled and saw some fun things but today I am exhausted so my house and other things are put on the back burner. That is okay, mostly, unless I start to get frustrated and worry someone might come over and see the mess. Energy is a precious commodity for me and once it is gone then I only have certain options available. Making the most of what I do have available is a slow process and frankly I don't always accept it.

Here is where Janet's talk spoke volumes to me! She starts out telling a story about her 5 year old daughter going to register for Kindergarten. Her daughter was offered a box of crayons and to pick her favorite color but she just stood there. Her mother knew her daughter could write her name so she was surprised at this response. After several attempts from the teacher to have her pick a crayon she wouldn't do it. Janet wondered why and her daughter said "The teacher said to choose my favorite color, and there was no pink crayon in the box"

I have never thought of my life this way. The pink crayon is like my energy. When it is gone I still have other colors to use. I just really want to color with the pink though and that makes me paralyzed and my thoughts very negative. Janet says " How many times are we, as Heavenly Fathers children immobilized because the choice we had in mind for ourselves just isn't available to us, at least not at the time we want it"

Is my progress halted because my health is almost always missing from the box of life? It is not in y control and definitely not something I would pick for myself. Yet everyday there are some crayons missing and it makes it so hard! I could continue to pout or stay in bed or watch T.V to pass the day away, convinced that my options are bleak and colorless. Instead I have to color my life with other colors. It can be beautiful and different but that is okay. Some one else was touched by Janet's daughters story and they wrote to her saying

"I don't have all the colors of crayons I want-but I do have all the colors I need. When I need new or different colors in my life, Heavenly Father will make sure that I have them. I know he will never give me a challenge beyond my reach or beyond the tools he has given me to work with. I also know that the challenges and trails I have are in reality blessings, and I will be better and stronger for having gone through them."

I want to feel differently than I do. I would like to have all the answers but that may not happen in this life. Many of you may not be ill but be waiting for the perfect partner , job or profession. These crayons may not be available to you.But I do know that Heavenly Father is there. He hears are prayers and he will not leave us comfortless and our life colorless and devoid of meaning and joy. There are some hard lessons to be learned that I or you would not pick. Illness and death are very tough pills to swallow but the sooner we do the sooner we can look for new colors and new opportunities in life. Until then I am going to scribble and color with what I have and stop looking for what I don't. Life is beautiful. At leas for today I am coloring and seeing the picture clearly. I do hope that my pink crayon is back tomorrow.When our life is over and we have endured and made use of all we do have, then we will have it all back. It will be like getting a new box of crayons with all the colors we could want or need! I can't wait!!