I find my mind spinning and twisting with thoughts like the clouds gather before a storm. The wind blows and the clouds are pushed in whatever direction it wishes. The winds of change also blows in a like manner. I feel a storm inside me. It can only be described as such, because of how it is tearing me up inside. A tornado of thoughts that tear through and leave only debris and what once was. Once I felt hope and promise. I feel that has been ripped away from me by the choices of others and by default , my own thinking. I have born the weight of it for so long. I thought this storm would pass in a few days, but it still darkens my feelings and perception. I wish it would pass!
I have been hunkered down with self pity and despair. It has such a hold on me that I fear the winds will take me away. It is all too easy to be swept away by such strong emotions and feelings that I have. I apologize for the vagueness of what these feelings might be. Many stem from the Fibromyalgia flare I find myself in. Another contributor is the lack of connection I feel with my children because of their strong will. Everything is a fight. A fight to be independent. A war of wills. A fight to not let failure pull me down even further. Perhaps it is all in my head and will soon pass. I wonder though, if something is brewing that will follow me and my children through their lives. I feel like when I nag and discipline it is like thunder and lightning and only spurs further resistance and distance. So what can be done? I want to do what is right but I don't know what that is. What does God desire for me and my family? All I can hope and pray is that tomorrow I will feel calm and the storm has gone.
"Sometimes God calms the storms and sometimes he lets the storm rage on and calms you"
How I wish for that calm now.
On further reflection, I wonder, why is it that some people can accept life and weather the storm and some of us fight life and the storm seems to toss us to and fro? How do they find true peace when the tempest is raging? Which one describes you? Have you ever felt this storm within? I have not found one simple way to find lasting peace. There is always something with depression that pulls me back in. All I know is I have a choice, when I find clarity during the storm, whether I chose to take care of my needs or not. There are so many things going on around me too. It is not just all on the inside. I have to take shelter from those storms as well. They can be storms of the heart, family, work and many more. I find my answers when I look inwardly on my knees. Yes, prayer is the only way to find that clarity. It is the only way to snap me out of it and find that calm. It does not happen overnight. There are bits of me that are weary and worn away. It is a process.
I choose whether to stay under the refuge and guidance of my Heavenly Father or to step out into the storm and let all the fears, doubts and pain pound down on me. I can't handle that weight seeping into me and drenching my perception with such negative thoughts.
Is it raining on you today? If you are going through any kind of storm; come in from the storm and seek shelter. There are many kinds of storms. He is our refuge from them all. There is no describing that calm you feel after a storm is finally over. Everything is still and quiet. If you can do nothing else today seek that calmness within you.