Saturday, April 16, 2016

How to ride the waves of emotion of chronic illness

I am highly sensitive person! Hey I resent that? I do! All my life I have had people tell me that I am too sensitive or that I cry too much. I have always believed it to be a bad trait of mine. I am surrounded by amazing people who take life in stride while I get clobbered by waves of emotion I didn't even see coming. I have been pulled under a wave before. You can't tell direction and you body is doing flips. Worst of all the water keeps entering your mouth when you try to breathe. I felt like this last night. Really I have felt like this all week! A simple thing was brought to my attention but it felt like a criticism and my walls came down. It was not intended to be one. Whoosh! I had those same feelings again of being tossed around. Well I decided to look up why am I so sensitive. I used these exact words. Why am I so sensitive? I am desperate at this point to know people!

I came across several posts that all said mentally there is nothing wrong with you if you are sensitive! It is not a mental disorder. Great! That means it is another, it is up to you to find balance and peace with your sensitive nature. It makes me feel even more anxious to have to do more work on myself than I already am to stay alive! Seriously? Whoosh! Here comes another wave! If you think I am exaggerating; I am not!

Really my life feels more like a tsunami has crashed down and destroyed all I have worked so hard for. Hopes, goals, expectations are dashed to pieces. Some days I sit on my bed stretching so I can move. I have a blank note pad and I try to prioritize my day. There is so much to do and I have just a little bit of energy. In a tsunami you are not supposed to go near flooded or damaged areas until it is safe to return. That is because subsequent waves can hit. So why would I want to be in my home or deal with my health when these are areas of damage? These things signal a wave of emotion and pain. Yet the house is not going to clean itself and no one can make me move, but me!

Save yourself not your possessions after a tsunami!

Save yourself and your family. There is chaos all around you but your first obligation is to save yourself and locate your loved ones. Check yourself for injuries and call if someone needs rescuing. You may need to help someone who requires special assistance. Illness can feel a lot like that if you are not sure how bad it is. You require special assistance and help from your family. Family and friends in their attempts have made things harder for me because they really haven't walked in my shoes. They help but the help is too short or not what I need. Sometimes I don't even know myself. I am grateful for the help but I need more. How can I ask that of them?

I have been calling on God to rescue me for so long. He has heard my prayers because each day some how I make it and I cling to my scriptures and the hope that things will
 get better. A few days ago after having a strong feeling to call someone in my church, I did. The results were astounding! I called not knowing what to say except that I knew I was supposed to call this person. They started asking me questions until I felt a wave again. This time it was a wave of relief! This person has fibromyalgia and has dealt with it a lot longer than I have. This person is also a life coach and said she wanted to help me! Here comes another wave and tears! Open the flood gates!

 I feel so many things right now. I feel rescued. I feel relief. The damage is still there but it is like God is saying it is safe for me to go back and start fixing the damage. I have been in the water for so long, almost drowning and now I get to go somewhere safe. I know that the waves of emotions will keep coming but I am going to ride them instead. I am talking about the little waves of emotions not a tsunami sized ones. The big waves take damage control. Once I clear away the debris and heal my family and home then I can move on to tiny baby steps of recovery. I can't stop the waves but I can ride them. I can smile and say I am frustrated, angry or depressed. These emotions are not me and I can allow these thoughts to enter my mind and recognize them for what they are. For example, I was doing the dishes and a wave of overwhelm came over me. Huh? I am overwhelmed and my mind has wandered but I am going to bring it back and finish the dishes. Then I make note of what overwhelmed me and the next time I am more aware and ready to ride the wave instead of it knocking me down or clobbering me. It is being mindful of what is happening in that moment. How your body feels? What you were doing and bring yourself back to that. It happened several times and each time I just let it come. It still clobbers me but it takes practice to ride the waves doesn't it? It takes time and understanding. Learn to be kind to yourself and keep getting back up no matter how many times you get knocked down. After all we all jump in when in comes to life.

 Do you feel like you are sinking or floating? Come jump in my boat and maybe you will feel you are doing better than you think. Let me rescue you from thoughts that plaque you and pull you down. Maybe knowing that you are not alone can get you through this week. Relax and take one more tiny step with me. With these waves of emotion you shouldn't hold your breath. Just breathe and let it come. I promise you will be riding the waves in no time. Look at you standing tall and on your own two feet!

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