Friday, May 27, 2016

How I made it through a rough morning

There is no secret that I love to write. I have a journal I carry everywhere with me. I scribble my feelings. ideas, and a little bit of nonsense. I try so hard every day to battle the many thoughts and my illness that want to steal my happiness from me. I battle the overwhelm of my house and the four royal pains blessings in my life. Everyday is a choice for me! I am learning to take the punches even if they are in my gut.(not literally of course) Those kind of punches knock the wind out of me. They bring me to my knees. They make me ask the tough questions. Questions like: How am I going to get through this or what am I going to do? I am finding the answers and I am writing them down. Why? For you! For my kids. For anyone who is struggling and doesn't know where to start. For the lost and aching souls of Gods children. You!

My morning was rough. It often is. I often have to pry my sleepy eye lids open and lay there until my bladder says I have to move. It is painful because my joints are so stiff. Then I check on my kids and have to try to keep them on task. I have tried charts and telling them they can have extra time in the morning. It is always a rush to get them out the door. Today was no different. I got upset. Words were spoken to me that cut me like a knife. I proceeded to cry for the next half hour and of course now I am drained. I wrote rapidly to get all my thoughts down. A few tears stained the page. Scribble scribble stop! I stopped my negative thought train before it reached the station. Now that I got all that garbly gook out of my brain was this really where I wanted to go? It was like God told me to stop.

This last month I have really been trying to break negative thought patterns. It is tough! I have been listening to a hypnosis tape to release negativity every night. Well in that moment everything came to a halt and the way was clear. I had to break that thought pattern, Again I started writing but this time I switched to a positive track. It was amazing and so liberating. I literally felt that weight being lifted from my shoulders. It all starts with me. My thoughts and offense were not leading me where I wanted to go. Satan is winning as long as he can keep me feeling negative. I am no longer a victim! Let go of the control! Move on!

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." Mosiah 24:15

Later we both were able to talk and listen and there was no fight. Just hugs and reconciliation. How amazing this experience was for me! There is no right way to break the cycle of negative thinking. I have just decided I don't want that anymore and I have been working on my own and with therapy to get it. You may not need therapy but it does require work on your part.

I came across this post from about being a thermostat or a thermometer in our home. It really spoke to me. I wish I had thought of it! A thermostat reacts to the atmosphere in the home and a thermostat determines it. I know I set the tone of my home no matter how crazy or messy my kids and home are. This is the choice I made this morning when I changed my negative thoughts into positive ones! This is how I made it through a rough morning!

How is your day going? Could you use a change for your thoughts and actions? Write down specific question you want to ask yourself when you don't know what to do? This morning I asked myself if what I was doing and feeling was leading to a solution to the problem or was creating more of a problem? I am a worrier so I almost always cause myself more grief than I need to.

How do you turn around a rough morning?

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Is your life yummy or yucky? How do you know?

Candy is yummy. Too much Candy is yucky. Have you ever read those Yummy Yucky kid books? It is pretty straight forward really. Eating the wrong things can make you sick. Even too much of a good thing can make you sick. One of my kids has a major sweet tooth. He was at his Aunt and Uncles the other week and ate a full bag of candy. Well it didn't take long for his tummy to hurt and he was feeling pretty sick. I feel the same way when I read all the how to parent articles. Too much and I feel like I am the worst parent in the world. You could say it gives me a yucky feeling.

 I write these "How to" posts myself and so many others do as well. It does help to feel like you aren't alone in any given situation that you find yourself in. However, just like candy I need to stop after a couple of articles so that I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have been doing the equivalent to eating myself into a sugar coma. I have been searching and searching for answers to it all, because I always see the big picture being a Type A personality. I am trying to catch up but I am putting too much pressure on myself and probably my family. I need to put away the magnifying glass that is making everything seem so large and unmanageable.

 So here is the question I have been pondering about. What is most important? What makes me feel yummy? Yucky? Ask yourself when you see your long list of things to get done.

What is most important? For me it has always been my family. Family is central to God's plan. Put down you lists or your phones and see what is most important to you. Pick up your child. Look out the window or step outside. Slow down.

Even if we manage to slow down and not make ourselves sick, things still can drive us crazy. Yes my house drives me crazy. But I am only giving it some of my time. The rest is for my family. I am going to stop walking around wanting to fix everything and everyone. If I try to control my kids I feel yucky. I am so worried about their future that I am missing their present. I am going to stop worrying so much about this child or that mess. Of course, I expect that I will keep making mistakes because we all do.

 We are also limited by our schedules, work, school, abilities, and illness. I was feeling these limitations last night and found comfort from the words of Gordon B Hinckley

"We also know that there need be no limits on enthusiasm, planning, thoughtful consideration and effort."

I can be as happy as I want to be. Some days I have to dig real deep. Heavenly Father put us on the earth to be happy. I do not have to let my circumstances inhibit my enthusiasm, planning or effort. I keep trying. Russell M. Nelson said "Men are that they might have joy- not guilt trips."

We can make ourselves feel yucky with guilt, shame, abuse, anxiety, depression and illness. How sad this world has become that we need to put on this facade that everything is okay. I thought I had to hold it all in and there wouldn't be a day that brought me to my knees and tears. I have been a victim of my life for so long. I have felt overwhelmed by my circumstances and my house.

Life is messy and many times yucky. We get mad. We cry. We hold too much inside.

My hope is that in my words you might say "Hey I do that too!

Life are appetizers of emotions and experience. Often times we taste the bitterness and sadness. We become full on these appetizers and can't enjoy our feast. Filling up on these negative emotions has only added to my despair and crippled me.

I hope that you can find what you need to let go of. It might be good but it might not be the right time.

My hope is that you speak out and not hold in the pain.

Find where you feel yucky. It is a balance. Even too much of good thing can make you feel yucky. Too much shame or worry. Too much cleaning. Too much busyness.

I paid the price with my health and piece of mind.

I am done feeling helpless. I am done letting my circumstances control me. I am done feeling yucky.

Break free from your past.

Learn to love others who have hurt you and love yourself.

Are you done? Do you feel yucky? What are you willing to do or give up to feel yummy again?

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Mothers we are needed and we are loved

This week wasn't too bad. I was feeling pretty great Tuesday-Thursday. I was even able to take a trip to go to a funeral for my friends Mom. I did not know her Mom but I could tell that she was an amazing woman. I sat there thinking of what my kids would say about me.Would they remember the good times? Would they know that I loved them? I sit here now, thinking, drained and unsure of what my next step should be. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle but it is muddy and I keep sliding.

I wanted to make a special memory tonight and instead of just sending my kids off to bed, I wanted to cuddle with all of them together. Me and my 4 little monkeys. It was so wonderful but one of my kids was not happy with me and wouldn't join us. It is always a fight.  I get on my knees and the tears flow down my face. I have been researching and gathering information to understand the why of my disease and why my child is struggling the way he is. I cry. I cry to release. I cry because I am so drained emotionally and physically. I hate that I lost it. I lost it because nothing I do seems to make a change. I cry because I am a sensitive soul. But I hate it when I cry! There is pain. So much pain. Mothers Day is a day I look forward to every year but this time I feel like there is not much to celebrate. Do I celebrate my failures? Do I look at the little battles I have won? I am exhausted and so ready for any change, even an inkling of one. Yes in many ways I am stronger than I was before. I am still fighting but I am so tired. Tired of feeling alone and misunderstood.

My child is misunderstood. He cries. We are not so different. We both struggle to fit these pieces of this puzzle we have been given with the ODD diagnosis.

He came to me. After I had decided this Mothers Day wasn't for me. My body ached and my shoulders slumped forward. He wrapped his arms around me and I fell into his arms. I felt like I was the last person my child wants to see. In an instant he became like a trusting infant, so sweet and loving.

I am not sure how many days we will be like today. Where I feel so helpless and unsure. Days where I cry and I search my scriptures and websites for answers.

I know that I am his Mother and he needs me. I am still broken and so is he. I am a Mother. I am Powerful. I can bring about change. I am crying now but because I know tomorrow will be a day to celebrate. We made it through today. There will be more good days. God is merciful and knows me and my children.

You Mothers out there. You are needed. You are not alone. I hope you all have a happy Mothers Day and celebrate what you do best. If you don't know ask in prayer and he will tell you. This is for all Mothers. Mothers to be. Mothers who lost. Children who lost their Mothers. Mothers who are waiting to be. We are Mothers who love and who are loved.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

What a blustery day-tears, frustration and sweet release

I had a good session with my counselor yesterday. We discovered that I feel powerless in my life. So much is out of my control. I have been feeling like a victim of my own life for so long and I didn't even know it. Does anyone else feel this way? In my session I was reminded to set myself up for success and not failure. My thoughts have been leading me to failure. My thoughts might as well be a noose at times. What can someone being hanged do but stand there until the life is gone? Sorry to be morbid but I wanted to illustrate a point. That point is that my thoughts have been destructive and have been slowly choking the life out of me. It is hard to enjoy life on any consistent level. I hardly ever can maintain a peace of mind. I am often victim to thoughts of fear and worry. No one ever showed me how to cope with bad things that happen in life. So I have been surviving (barely) and not really coping. I don't like feeling this way but up until now didn't really know what to do to change. I have been exhausting my body and spirit with my subconscious and sometimes conscious thoughts. Worse is I feel that no one understands how I feel.  Why have I been making it so hard on myself?

Yesterday continued to be a mix of emotions that continued well into the night. I awoke at 3 a.m. to fierce wind storm. It knocked down trees and branches were all over the road. We sere supposed to go to a baby blessing at one so we delayed getting ready. We received a call at 10:50 that it was cancelled. We could still make our stake conference at 12 but we had to hurry. I knew if we tried we could make it. This is the power our thoughts can have. They can stop us in our tracks or make us scale mountains. They can rip through us like the wind can tear trees apart or tear them from the very roots that hold them grounded. As we drove we saw damage and areas that were out of power. We pressed on not knowing if it was cancelled. That is the power of thought. That is hope and faith!

Yesterday was definitely a stormy day inside and out. We were safe in our home while the wind worked its vengeance. I want to feel the same way when I am tossed by my emotions and circumstances. I keep telling my kids they have choices of what they can do. For example, they can clean their room and get to have friends over or have screen time or they don't. It is their choice. Ah ha! It is my choice to keep going down this negative and destructive thinking. I have a choice. I can feel empowered or I can continue to treat myself the same way I have been my whole life. I am done feeling powerless. Stick a fork in me because I am done!

When do you feel powerless? How does it make you feel? What are you willing to do to get what you want and need? When was the last time you checked on the thoughts floating in your mind? We can be calm in our own personal storms. We can stand tall like a mountain and not be moved!

I want to end with my favorite quote for when we are facing those stormy winds of life. I am not sure who originally said this.
"Sometimes God calms the storms, sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms me"