I am a child of God. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a caretaker. I am a perfectionist. To name a few. I am not my depression but it tries to control me. I am not my Fibromyalgia but it also tries to gain control. I am not my families behavior but I am affected by it. I am a complicated mix of roles and emotions. I am stuck in emotional pain that like a faithful dog has followed me since I was a child. I am constantly fighting the fatigue that tries to overtake me. I have realized that I am too hard on myself and I let too many things affect me and I don't want it to anymore. Half the time I don't know what I am feeling and I feel guilty for feeling these feelings. My days are a whirlwind of emotions and events. I keep searching for answers. I hop from one solution to the next like rocks in a river. I am so tired and so lost in this river of hopelessness. The truth is I am falling apart slowly. Slowly I have become a victim to all that surrounds me.
Each person in my family is so different in the way we deal with life and the things that happen to us. In my family there are problem solvers, peacemakers and instigators. There are hot heads and complete introverts. There is organization and disorganization. Every time a problem or crisis happens I want to be there with my cape on and swoop in and fix things. Everyday it is like I carry my tool belt, which to me, is more like Marry Poppins bag, and fix things. I pull out my latest trick in the bag and it works its magic for a brief amount of time. I have to rescue them even if it wears me out! Why? Because I want that control because I don't like the feeling that things are out of control. If only they would see what I see or change their behavior then they would be happier. My fixing became a way to stay in control where really I have no control over anyone except myself. I don't even know what is wrong with me and why I just can't stay happy. I have become resentful of my families needs or my illness which feels like it is controlling my life. I feel guilty not living up to the standards I have set for myself and my family. I think that sometimes I plan my day around whatever I feel the most guilty about. How can all of these roles and emotions fit into such a tiny person huh??
There is no doubt about it I am dealing with a lot. I am better than I was. I have come so far but there is also a long way to go! Maybe somewhere you relate to my rantings? I am always hoping to help someone. My hope is that slowly I can see changes in myself. Good changes. The kind that gives me confidence. I am not very confident or secure in who I am. This is hard to admit but it is true! I am tired of feeling this way.But is not easy to teach an old dog new tricks. I know that I have to do something about it if I want it to change. There are things I have carried with me like gum on a shoe. It is time to scrape it off and leave it alone. I also need to try not to step in anymore gum. I am letting go of things I can't control. That is a lot of things!
Recently I started a 1000 piece puzzle. That is the biggest I have ever done I think. I start a puzzle out by finding all the end pieces and then putting them together. These can be compared to what I feel are the most important areas in my life. This can be anywhere from my core beliefs, pivotal events in my life etc... Then I try to look for pieces that look like they are similar in color or design. This takes a long time because I only have a little bit of time to devote to it. I am patiently waiting to see which pieces of my life fit together. I can't force pieces to fit together and I think that is what I have been trying to do. They just don't fit and I need to keep trying to see what pieces do fit. Moving to my new house several years ago has given me the most answers for my life. All the pieces have been coming together from my diagnosis to my sense of what my mission is and certain people coming into my life at just the right moment. When I look at the puzzle I have been working on it feels like I might never find all the pieces but I find just a few more or sometimes, if I am lucky, full sections. Then I have to figure out where it fits on the end pieces. Each time you have to look at each piece and turn it to see if it will fit or not. I am trying to do the same thing with my life by asking Heavenly Father to help me and show me the way. Little by little and piece by piece I am receiving those answers.
Piece by piece things are making sense. I have been digging into my past and it has brought up a lot of painful things. I have gone about my life so far broken, but living the best way I could. So much of my illness and depression makes sense now. Maybe it will have less power over me? I am picking up the pieces of my life that I could never make any sense of and I am trying to see where they fit again or if they fit at all. I am learning what defenses I have formed. I am tired of being in a constant state of stress and being flooded by emotions. I am praying and hoping for relief. I am trying to build up my own internal supply of hope, peace, self esteem and well being that only the savior can bring me. He will give me peace and pieces to make me whole.