Monday, August 15, 2016

How being stuck and in pain led to peace

I am woman hear me roar is what I want to say. But if I am honest it is more like hear me snore. I have been asleep for so long to all that has contributed and led up to my illness. Not to mention I fight real aggressive fatigue everyday. I have accepted that I have something that will ever go away. But I am still mourning all the things I want to do but can't and that keeps me stuck and my head turning. It is like I am in a blender and keep rehashing all the 'shoulds" and "what ifs". They have become such a part of me that it is hard not to think that way. It is hard but not impossible. I have realized that I can do hard things because I do them every day.

Most days though I am more like Oh in the movie Home. He is a Boov that along with his species takes over Earth and moves all the humans away. He forms a unexpected bond with a human girl who was left behind. At one point Tip, the human girl, puts on music and it makes Oh dance. He feels ashamed and says he has to cool his core. To do this he jumps out of a hover car over the ocean. That shame and depression likes to creep in their every minute of every day. I have to be so careful and change my thoughts as quickly as I can so I do not have to go to my room and cry until I fall asleep. I too have to cool my core but that is okay. I am learning a lot about shame and  about what my triggers are. With each successful step I am getting closer to not being tossed about by every whirlwind, but instead I can hold my ground. Again this is all very hard and requires me to be ever vigilant. It means I can never, not once let my guard down and think that things are getting better. Then I stop or get relaxed about what is really going on until that whirlwind picks me up and tosses me around for a while. I have to be relentless in fighting all that comes at me on a daily basis. Now to you it may sound like a prison to always be fighting something. It is definitely exhausting! But if I don't fight who will? God helps me in the battles but he can't fight them for me or for you!

Knowing that I have been a big contributor in my overall decline helps me to never want to go there again. I don't want to feel like a victim or wonder when things are going to get better. When I was diagnosed with Celiac I was never again tempted to eat wheat. I feel the same way about my thoughts. Now that I know that my thoughts have such an impact for pain I don't want to think so negatively anymore. My life is beating me up enough and I don't want to help it. I can keep working on my thoughts. I can keep working on my health. I can stop putting up with the disabling side effects of fibromyalgia. I can accept that I have limits and work within them.

 There are speed limit signs everywhere you look to remind you how fast you should be going. If you go over the speed limit you can get a ticket. If we push ourselves and stress ourselves we are going to fast and we need to find a speed that is right. Whether you have a chronic condition or not each of us has to slow down to what our bodies are telling us. Maybe we come to a Stop sign or caution sign. I have learned to listen to the Holy Ghost to tell if I am going the speed that I should. It is amazing if I just take time to listen. Like it says D&C 11:12-14

12 And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit.
 13 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy;
 14 And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith believing in me that you shall receive.
I had no idea how powerful the atonement could be and how I could be using the Holy Ghost so much more . I know that I have to trust in the process. There will be set backs. It will be hard. You can do it too. You can let go of past hurt or even present pain. You can trust yourself and that you know what to do. If not study it out and then pray everyday. One day it will make sense even if the timing isn't what you wanted it to be. Trust in that process and that you will be ready to face your challenges when the Lord knows you are ready. He is making us who we are meant to become. If I hadn't had such a hard life so far I don't know if I would have been humble enough when the Lord said that I needed a serious and expensive remodeling.

I don't like where I have been so I am not going back. What about your life is driving you crazy or that you have lost control? Where are you stuck? What are you willing to do to get to where you want to be? You can do it! I believe in you!

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