Friday, March 9, 2018

Old story new begining

I started blogging about 10 years ago. I had just been diagnosed with Depression and Celiac disease. It felt like a punch in the gut and that I would never eat anything I wanted or be happy again!!! My little spark of hope went out and I felt unsupported and in total darkness. This little blog fueled my desire to get out what was in my head and I hoped to find other woman depressed and lonely or to help them. Although, just starting I could barely take care of myself. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew is I was doing it and that it gave me something to do and a voice. I didn't have a voice before or a self esteem or even know why I was a mom. Pretty bleak and depressing wouldn't you say?

A few years later I thought moving to a bigger safer neighborhood would take care of all my woes. There was someone in my church that was bullying me and it only kept me down and powerless. In fact my whole life I really never felt good physical or mentally and saw myself as a victim wherever I went. I didn't know that was what I was thinking though. So I was always looking for a way out. I wanted to feel safe and I didn't. I moved into my new house and new hope moved in too. It didn't take long to see that it didn't matter where I was. The pain and the unresolved issues at my other home and my whole life just followed me. Plus, I was new and didn't know anyone. Everyone was very friendly and nice but I had this big secret that I thought no one would want to really be my friend. I was alone, a victim and getting sicker by the day. I was such a joy to be around....NOT! Again who would want to be my friend. How could they? I was a mess. My home was a mess. Little did I know that God would turn my inward and outward mess into a message. That the darkness would be turned to light. Hopelessness into a spark of hope.

Before this light really could grow and I had to experience my final blow. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and IBS before my fourth child was born. My little new born baby was also struggling with food and we found out he was allergic to almost everything. I didn't realize that I would share the same fate. I was too exhausted to blog and to do the school lessons. I did this while I wrote about my journey. I thought maybe other moms would want to do the lessons. I also wrote about what I was going to feed this baby. Nothing in my life felt easy breezy. To keep my sanity I prayed and I wrote when my mind was clear enough to do so. I was sleep walking through my life. Until....a friend woke me up. She invited me to this group of woman. I have written about them before. It was the first time I heard me too! I had finally found woman that knew what I was going through. They understood and I was safe. I never felt safe before, loved or supported and it was all how I saw the world. If these woman could rise from their pain and circumstances. I could to!

The final piece of the puzzle was when I learned how our thoughts have the power to create. That I was creating my misery. It was a hard pill to swallow and it didn't go down well at first. However, because of these woman I had started gathering evidence that I could look at things differently. That it was okay to feel differently then I actually felt and that I could retrain my brain and my pain. What?? I am telling you right now. I did not expect God to tell me to look at myself when I was the victim here. There were people who hurt me and continued to hurt me as I relived it over and over. Depression wasn't me. It was a thought pattern that turned into a chemical change in my brain because I had been thinking this way for so long. It still needs to be diagnosed and dealt with by a health care professional because it is a chemical imbalance. But there is hope because there are things we can do in the meantime and people who have overcome it, like me. Winter is still hard but I have built up my awareness over the last 2 years. Every time I catch dark thoughts creeping in I course correct a little easier and faster. I no longer stay in the darkness but look for the light until it crowds out the darkness again. I do it as many times as it takes.

I have learned:
  1. To watch my thoughts and to turn my thoughts to God
  2. That my happiness is my choice and not due to my circumstances
  3. To heal my relationships with God, myself, my family
  4. To allow forgiveness and to let go of victim mentality
  5. To heal my mindset and view of time and money

Most of all when I want answers or want someway to analyze or point fingers it always comes back to me. I don't blame myself for this anymore. I know I didn't know any better so I kept going with what I knew. I know my blueprint for happiness. My thoughts create good in my life or bad. There is always another obstacle over the one I get over. How else are we supposed to grow. It is part of Gods plan for us to struggle and grow from it. We might as well be happy. I tried being miserable and that didn't work so well. So if you are asking why me? Why not you? What are you supposed to learn from this? How can it help you grow where you are and how can you teach it to others? These are the questions I ask myself everyday. The dark thoughts still come but I do not let them stay too long before questioning them and understanding why they are there. Thoughts are thoughts. Thoughts I have shared with you have helped me learn and grow and figure things out. I am ready to serve deeper and grow this idea born out of my struggles into really helping people. I will be moving soon to a new website. Stay posted. Stay with me as I again tackle my next obstacle. I will continue to blog here until this move is complete and I want you to come with me! Stay tuned. Stay happy. Keep learning and going! Stay with me because I want to know you better.

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