How to embrace your current season of life

There are many seasons of motherhood. We all have a picture in our head how motherhood would be. Right?Congratulations you are a Mom! After 9 months of waiting your bundle of joy has arrived. Each one is small and helpless and needs you for everything! Infancy is over in what seems like a blink! You then watch them crawl and walk to independence. The older they get the less they need you, or think they do. Okay who signed me up for this? This is not how I pictured it would be! I am lost in what I picture and what is really happening. I certainly didn't think I would be battling an invisible illness. It is hard and exhausting plain and simple. Good news! I am told it doesn't get any easier. Hey wait! What? Hmmmmm.......I think I need to re-evaluate this contract or at least look at the fine print. Is there an instruction manual, because I feel like I am doing it all wrong? Is what I have done or didn't do already set in stone? How do I relate to these spirited and unique children? Where do I get the energy when it is gone before noon? Sometimes I feel like my family would be better off without me.

These emotions above have left me feeling bare and lost. Maybe I feel this way about being a Mother because life is slowing down. The leaves are changing and so am I. I love autumn and when the leaves start to fall. I enjoy strolls to delight my eyes with beautiful colors of red, yellow and orange.It does mean, however, that the season is about to change. I am not a big fan of the winter. I feel very much like a bare tree or a skeleton of my former mommy self. My leaves have been falling towards the negative side of things. Up until today I felt these feelings were a bad thing that somehow I was empty or dead inside. This theory led me to a interesting question. How do trees stay alive in the winter? I do not want to go into too much detail, but trees do several things to keep their living cells from freezing or dying. They go into a dormant state. So even though when all the leaves have fallen, you see the branches of a gnarled and twisted tree, there is amazing things happening inside. We cannot allow ourselves to freeze our hearts or be afraid of change. We should allow ourselves to become bare and vulnerable so we can see those branches of our character. We see who we really are and what we need to change. This dormancy is a time prepare for new growth.

I always thought that trees without leaves were ugly or even a little creepy. Now I see their beauty.We may loose our leaves one at a time or in big batches. It is no reason to worry. It is time to look inward. New leaves will grow back. We too can come back to hope and come back changed. Another observation worth mention here is, if you look at a tree it appears to be reaching toward the sky. No matter what our struggles we must always be reaching and trying to obtain the best life has to offer us. It does mean we have to try and not give up. It is easy to give up but takes thought and action to try.
"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

It is interesting to me that each time I write a post I am bearing my soul to you, my readers, that I usually end up with an idea or two by the end and feel uplifted. I want to really dig deep here and celebrate looking within myself as the air is more crisp and the vibrant yellow, oranges and red leaves fall softly to the ground. Knowing that it will produce leaves and fruit once again. I am excited about this project that just came to me. I am either going to buy a tree or draw one. Then, I am going to add a leaf for goals I accomplish or something that I have overcome. Later I can look back and see how much I have changed and it can be a reminder to embrace the changes. I hope it will make me feel better as a mother and to find a way to live my life through this illness. I do not like to feel like a failure or that I have nothing else to give. There is so much more for me to discover and embrace about these changes. You and I may have doubts and failures but we have to continue on despite them.What season are you in?

My life in ruins and that is okay

I am back! You won't believe where I have been or what I conquered to get there! It started on the last week of August. My parents flew in to learn the routine of what I do daily so that I could go to meet my sister and go to the UK! I still can't believe that I got to go and just got back on Sunday September 20th! Before I left my husband left to help a family member move. They stopped at our house Friday night to sleep and then drove again to California. I left the next day and met up with my hubby in California a few hours before he left to go home. It was basically a hi and goodbye.I was packed and ready to leave the country which was amazing! Crazy is what those few weeks were! What I didn't know was how a 7 hour time difference would affect my Fibromyalgia or if I could keep up the pace of a rigorous tourist schedule for over 2 weeks! Everyday for me is hard to get up and moving and if I push myself too hard I crash for days! Needless to say I was beyond nervous and missed my family so much! I have never left them like this before.

I left on this trip very frazzled and looking for a renewal of some kind. I was crumbling to ruins.Do you know what it feels like to feel like a burden to everyone around you? That is how I feel. It is very scary for me to admit that to you all. I didn't figure that out until this trip. When I got there I was expecting breathtaking views and history lessons. I did not realize how much I needed a break from routine and the stress of daily life. I did not expect that this trip would expose my greatest weaknesses and my need to change how I see and do things! All I could think about was how I needed a change, but what? I am still pondering on how to make this transformation.

Hmmmmm.........this might take my whole lifetime!

Speaking of transformations, I tried to do a little each day to get ready and change my sleeping habits.A few weeks before my trip I started going to bed by 9 p.m. and getting up at 5a.m.. I am not an early riser at all, but this was for the greater good right? It was hard but my motivation was strong. My hope was to help my body adjust better. I even downloaded Jet Lag Rooster to help me adjust easier. I was really surprised at how well I adjusted! The second or third day it was really hard to move, but I pushed on. A little over a week into the trip I couldn't eat anything without severe stomach issues, no need to be graphic. ;) Then 2 days before we could go home I slept the whole day. I couldn't go anymore!Nothing could wake me up either! I was grateful that most of my trip was without incident. It really was a trip of a life time! It was frustrating to not be able to eat for 4 days. However,for most of the trip I was able to find gluten free options and meals as well. Just like the amazing castles and things I saw ,I was a little bit in ruins near the end, but I am still here to tell my story. I am still standing! (Barely)

"We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we are afraid of the change, of things crumbling to ruins. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation"- Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

So basically I am in a flare and I ignored all the signs that it was coming. We had a plan of what to do each day but driving in the UK was a big contributor to this flare I think. It was sooooo stressful! I also wasn't very careful with what foods I ate or taking any rests. Now that I am home and I have to catch up on housework and find my routine again. It is a slap in the face by reality. I am already struggling and frustrated. I don't want to feel that way. Grrrrrr! I just had the most amazing trip of my life!Traveling gave me a chance to experience something new. It would be a shame if I lost all what I felt and learned just because I was thrown back into life. It feels like I was thrown in an icy cold lake.

Reality check!

I have decided to take some real time to reflect and look within. It would be incredible to enjoy every day amidst the pain and realities I face. I don't want the only thing for people to see is what is left and have people feel sorry for me. I want them to look at me with awe and amazement like I did at these landmarks. Even Stonehenge draws people in with its mystery.

 So here is what I learned....

1. Find the beauty in the ruins;be blinded by the beauty that is there.
2. How these castles and houses were built amazes me!I want the same for my life. How can I build myself back up?
3. Find time to relax and stop stressing!
4. Keep things fresh and simple.
5. Sample the flavors of life
6. Adventure lies waiting. There is so much to explore!

The ruins of Urquhart Castle in Scotland


"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along"- Rae Smith

Take backn your Turf Thurday-To do or not to do that is the question

I am having one of those days weeks where I feel stressed and overwhelmed. I have been able to get some things done around the house. Yet I still feel that it is messy, unorganized. When it hurts to even get in the car it is hard to run errands or clean the simplest of things. I started to think what I would do with a whiny and uncooperative kid, who thinks the world revolves around them. That is when it hit me! I would  need to talk with them and come up with a solution. I need to have a chat with my to do list! It thinks that everything needs to get done TODAY, no matter if this is to the detriment of my health. I love, love, love lists! I write them but then I feel overwhelmed! It feels like any minute the big stack will turn around with its scary jaws and eat me! Yes, I am exaggerating! Sometimes my have to get done items do not get done because I can't move or I am too exhausted. Then I feel like a big fat failure!  I am swallowed by my feelings of failure and being overwhelmed.

Yesterday, I was stressed to get my house ready for guests and stressed to keep my kids on task. It was not fun! I was tense and irritable. Today I managed to stretch my muscles, load and unload the dishes, start a crock pot dinner, and get the kids to and from school. There are still things to do sloshing around in my head. I am in complete denial that fibromyalgia can win. I have tried and got up today but I still feel the same.

I have come to the conclusion that today may be a tough one! So I am tossing the to do list out today and making a what not to do list. My attempt here is to stop the over thinking and over planning.

1. Do not listen to negativity from others and yourself.
2. Do not feel guilty for saying no to a fun or good thing. Pushing yourself so you look less pathetic will not help. Your body will scream at you!
3. Do not focus on what you can't do. Focus on your Ta da list and what you can do.
4. Pick one thing and do it.
5. Take your task and figure out how much time it will take. Allow double or triple that time to get it done.Break it down into pieces.
6. Break it down even more!
7. Do not compare yourself to other woman whose house is spotless.
8. Stop worrying! Just stop it!
9. Don't forget yourself. Put care of yourself on your list. That includes diet, sleep, exercise, meditation and down time.

Bound and determined to break free

I feel like I have neglected my little blog lately, and have sorely been missing it as an outlet. Here I am! I cannot believe summer is over and the kids are in school. The last few weeks have been a little on the frustrating side. There has been a lot of storms in the sky and within. How is that for deep huh? I have started and stopped writing a post so many times, but nothing reads like I want it to. It is more like vent, complain, vent and complain some more. I figured you would not want to hear that. So here I go again! I need to speak. The pain wants to come out! How honest should I be? That is the question. I feel like a burden to my husband and friends. When they ask how I am feeling I never know what to say. So, I say I am okay. But that is far from the truth. It is not only a battle with pain and exhaustion, but a daily battle with my thoughts. I have turned to the scriptures and have found comfort, but only to hang in there a little longer. I don't want to sound ungrateful either and drive away any hope that I have. I keep praying to know what I am to learn from my illness. I need to do some more searching I guess......

All of the crooked pieces of my illness started to fall into place 5 years ago when they found I had celiac. Then I was able to battle very severe depression so I could live again. It is still a battle today but I can cope better. Then we moved away from wonderful friends. The distance, though small, has proven to be quite the wedge, as far as keeping in touch. I love where we live now, but I lost a friend who I could really talk to about all of this. I miss her and try to draw from her strength when we catch up via text of Face book. There are amazing people here, but they are super Moms in my opinion, and it is hard to measure up let alone keep up! They are confident and organized and so amazing!!!

I am grateful to know that the Lord is there. I truly believe that. I just struggle with letting him carry my burdens and not revisit the same woes again. I am really in awe of Nephi in 1 Nephi 7 in the Book of Mormon. He was so faithful and strong. He even found time to praise the Lord when his brothers bound him. David A. Bednar said "Nephi did not pray to have his circumstances change, rather he prayed for strength to change his circumstances. I am bound by my illness so how can I break free? Nephi must have felt alone and wondered why his brothers wouldn't listen and hated him so much. There was no pity party for one. He believed and he broke free. It is so hard to think like that. I am going to have bad days. I need to accept that! When I am struggling to break free I need to pray for strength. This may never go away. I may never have a day that is pain free, but I can choose to do something about it. Let me say that again, I can choose. I choose to be happy! I choose to count my blessings! I choose not to miss moments of joy! I am bound and determined!

Before I go I hope I have inspired you, whether it is to live through your illness, face difficulties or just to renew your faith in the word of God. Let's face it, we all have bad days!Thanks for stopping by!

Taking action in August

Hello all of you! I have been a little MIA.For two weeks now I have been battling a nasty cold. Some days my energy is not there and neither is my voice. Today our basement flooded and I called our relief society president and within minutes help was on the way. I had already dragged buckets and a wet vac so now I am using heating pads and ice on my joints. Not so fun. :(

 It can be really easy to be flooded with too much in your life. Some days I feel my goals and dreams are washed away by procrastination or just the daily to do's. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed! All things considering, I am grateful for so many things today. I have really been trying to pray more and ask for guidance in my day to day. I have been planning more and putting those plans into action. When something pops into my head or a name I act on it. Each night I think of the next day. That is why, this month, I plan to take action! I don't want to be my overambitious type A self and set goals that are too high. Instead, I hope to set the bar low so that I can have success. I want to celebrate the baby steps until I have climbed to the top of what I am aiming for. Cleaning my house sounds good until I notice all that needs to be done. I just want progress and I get so miffed when anything stands in the way of it! I may fail! I took a deep breath when I wrote this. It WOULD be easier for me to think my house could be the way I want in a year rather than a week or tomorrow! How do I do this? Here is what I am hoping to accomplish this month

1. Learn to break tasks down into smaller bites
2. Mentally not get frustrated that I can't get to the end result as fast as I would like
3. Learn to mind map-it is a way of brainstorming and breaking your ideas down into more manageable chunks.
4. Plan my day by picking most important small tasks.
5. work on task for 50 minutes and then stop for 10 minutes. The ten minutes is to refocus and decide what to do next.
6. Evaluate at the end of the day



TAKE ACTION NOW! JUMP IN!

Life is like a river

   

I have been thinking about my life lately and how much things have changed over the years. Life is like a river. After some time erosion or floods can change the course of a river. I remember as a girl, I was at my parents cabin and we were stuck in doors because of the rain. We barely made it across the bridge with our car so we wouldn't get stuck with no way out. It was amazing we didn't get swept away with the rushing water. Every time we go and visit I look at how different the creek looks. There are rocks piled and broken branches everywhere. Everything is wider but there is not enough water to fill it.

If we could look back on our lives, we would notice all the bends and turns. Our life could change and take a different course in a short period of time or over years. My life changed when I served a mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints. My life changed its course when I met my husband and we became close through letters of encouragement on our missions. When he got home I moved to be with him and stayed with a relative of his who had lost her husband right before he had said okay to me staying with them. Each of these times Jesus was changing my course without me even realizing it. Change is when you get married. It is the birth of your children. It is illness gripping your every chance it can or trying to pull you under the current of despair.

Sometimes you can stay on course and just ride the current. This last weekend we went tubing on a river. It was a lot of fun but at times a little tense. We all tried to stay together, holding on to ropes and straps. Sometimes we would get stuck on some rocks. A few times we had someone get flipped over. One of those times was a 2 year old. Luckily the children had life jackets and were rescued swiftly. If we lost someone in the group we eventually would bump into each other. As long as we could see those who were separated there was still hope for them to hold on. Each time we went back to the beginning and try the rivers course again, we would face new challenges. How many times in life do we get out of our raft or are knocked out, just to be pulled in another direction or under the water. There are bumps and stops along the way. Life can be rough and unpredictable. It shouldn't ever stop us from staying on our raft or trying to get back on if we get knocked off a time or two! Like life we cannot control where it takes us. A river is ever flowing and life is ever changing. We just have to chose to enjoy the ride and go with the flow.

When one door is locked you can open it!

My littlest man is a full blown busy and determined toddler. Everyday he discovers more and more what he can do. His latest trick is locking himself in a room and us out. He begins to cry when he realizes he is stuck. Maybe in some small way he knows he is responsible for his plight. When he cries in desperation and jiggles the door my heart breaks and I want to get him out in the first place. If he locks himself in our bathroom it is  tiny and sometimes I feel this makes him panic! The door knob also does not have a key on the other side, so we had to make a special tool to get him out.

As I thought about this more lately, I realized many times we are either shut out or we are stuck inside a mess of our own creation. Sometimes our loved ones shut us out of knowing how they are feeling. They are jiggling and fiddling with the lock but don't know what to do to get out. How much better do children feel and parent , when, after time they are both on the same page? Emotionally no one feels locked out and hurt.

If we are the one locking our hearts and feelings from those we care about; we create that barrier. Maybe we are just too overwhelmed so we unknowingly lock the door of our possibilities. We may feel trapped or held hostage by feelings we don't understand. Maybe we worry no one will hear us jiggling the door and calling for help. Perhaps, we are stubborn and don't want help? I have been there many times myself. The biggest mistake we make is to stop trying to break free from hopelessness, fear, anger, depression or anxiety. We need someone on the other side; our side! That someone is Jesus Christ. He says in Luke 11:9

 "And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"

We feel like the  weight is lifted from our shoulders when the door is opened. We have possibilities and enlightenment. We may also feel comfort and freedom. Just like in the case of our bathroom door, the "special tool" we can use to "get out" is prayer and supplication. This is true for us as the rescuers for our children or the ones trapped and lost. Lately I have been trying to pray with all my heart. To me this has come to mean, with all my feeling and emotions.

This includes:

1.  praying for the Lord to inspire my heart 
2. thinking of ways to help
3. showing love and kindness by not shouting and listening
4. going to work and doing whatever I feel guided to do

Eventually he will answer the door or like the famous quote by  Alexander Graham Bell dictates " When one door closes another one opens" Ask for help, get on your knees! Don't panic because he will help us! Whether we are trapped on the other side or need to help a loved one who is.

Here is another picture from my scripture journal. This is a reminder to me to  pray with all my heart!