Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Bound and determined to break free

I feel like I have neglected my little blog lately, and have sorely been missing it as an outlet. Here I am! I cannot believe summer is over and the kids are in school. The last few weeks have been a little on the frustrating side. There has been a lot of storms in the sky and within. How is that for deep huh? I have started and stopped writing a post so many times, but nothing reads like I want it to. It is more like vent, complain, vent and complain some more. I figured you would not want to hear that. So here I go again! I need to speak. The pain wants to come out! How honest should I be? That is the question. I feel like a burden to my husband and friends. When they ask how I am feeling I never know what to say. So, I say I am okay. But that is far from the truth. It is not only a battle with pain and exhaustion, but a daily battle with my thoughts. I have turned to the scriptures and have found comfort, but only to hang in there a little longer. I don't want to sound ungrateful either and drive away any hope that I have. I keep praying to know what I am to learn from my illness. I need to do some more searching I guess......

All of the crooked pieces of my illness started to fall into place 5 years ago when they found I had celiac. Then I was able to battle very severe depression so I could live again. It is still a battle today but I can cope better. Then we moved away from wonderful friends. The distance, though small, has proven to be quite the wedge, as far as keeping in touch. I love where we live now, but I lost a friend who I could really talk to about all of this. I miss her and try to draw from her strength when we catch up via text of Face book. There are amazing people here, but they are super Moms in my opinion, and it is hard to measure up let alone keep up! They are confident and organized and so amazing!!!

I am grateful to know that the Lord is there. I truly believe that. I just struggle with letting him carry my burdens and not revisit the same woes again. I am really in awe of Nephi in 1 Nephi 7 in the Book of Mormon. He was so faithful and strong. He even found time to praise the Lord when his brothers bound him. David A. Bednar said "Nephi did not pray to have his circumstances change, rather he prayed for strength to change his circumstances. I am bound by my illness so how can I break free? Nephi must have felt alone and wondered why his brothers wouldn't listen and hated him so much. There was no pity party for one. He believed and he broke free. It is so hard to think like that. I am going to have bad days. I need to accept that! When I am struggling to break free I need to pray for strength. This may never go away. I may never have a day that is pain free, but I can choose to do something about it. Let me say that again, I can choose. I choose to be happy! I choose to count my blessings! I choose not to miss moments of joy! I am bound and determined!

Before I go I hope I have inspired you, whether it is to live through your illness, face difficulties or just to renew your faith in the word of God. Let's face it, we all have bad days!Thanks for stopping by!

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