Thursday, April 21, 2016

This court must come to disorder

This week? Hmmm... Where do I begin. I have been up and moving the last 2 days and that has been great. I a moving but still just feel so yucky. I went back on the Opti cleanse GHI because I haven't been able to eat much again. The last time I was this bad was back in September! So I guess I can be grateful for that. I have really wanted to get out and be social since last week I was down. Tuesday a friend of mine talked to us about how to do make up. She was great and it was a lot of fun. Her suggestion to me was to use concealer to cover up my huge pores craters on my t-zone. I have been using a concealer of my own to disguise what is wrong with my health as well. I hide because I fear that I will not be accepted for the diseases that have claimed my life. So I stay hidden away like the Quasimodo of our time would. Who could ever love a creature like me?

Then last night I went to a church activity where this young girl talked about the power of heaven and her fight with a prison convict who broke into her home and tried to kill her and her sister. She was stabbed but none of them were fatal. As she recalled the incident of that night with tears in her eyes she said she should be dead. But a miracle happened after he stabbed her several times. The knife missed and missed! There is no other explanation than a miracle from heaven! She is alive today because she prayed and asked for help. She said he knows us and knows our fights. I wasn't going to go last night but at the last minute I got a strong impression to go. What a life changer for me! If shed can fight with a traumatic attack as that I can handle a few disorders. It made me really want to reach out to all those who are fighting whatever battles they are fighting whether it is illness, abuse, loneliness,depression or loss of a loved one.

 I feel so differently last night then I do today. I had to go to the dreaded D word. The doctor! Enter dooms day music here. Luckily for me my gynecologist has fibro too! So I love coming to her for that reason. However I always leave feeling like a deer in headlights. There are always more tests to do and something else wrong with me. Now I get to wait a month to do an endoscopy to find out if I have cancer in my esophagus or what the damage is. I am waiting to hear back from some other tests as well.

It has been a while since we looked at all my tests and medical records. The emotions came back to me that I felt in 2011, when I was diagnosed with celiac and depression. I came home and cried to my husband, a bucket of emotions.  I hate doing that to him at work because then he has more stress to deal with.

Stress I am taking you to court!

The verdict is in and stress will have to pay me back for all the pain and suffering that it has caused. I wish! This court must come to the conclusion that something must be done with these disorders. This is a life long process!This is so scary to me that I will not find relief in this life from the physical pain. As I have read the scriptures I do feel like I can do something and fight for the emotional pain to go away. I have always been comforted by the scripture found in Mosiah 4:27

 "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."

  I have been looking for order for so long but all I have found the opposite. For me order means the order in which I will tackle each stressor. Stress is my life! So my next step would be to keep it from visiting as often just as I have done with my depression. I am seeing a new counselor to do just that and to get control of my emotions better. I am also trying a new medication for the pain and the hypersensitivity I feel daily. I am still fighting! Are you waiting for your verdict? What are you fighting?

Thanks for caring,


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