Friday, March 9, 2018

Old story new begining

I started blogging about 10 years ago. I had just been diagnosed with Depression and Celiac disease. It felt like a punch in the gut and that I would never eat anything I wanted or be happy again!!! My little spark of hope went out and I felt unsupported and in total darkness. This little blog fueled my desire to get out what was in my head and I hoped to find other woman depressed and lonely or to help them. Although, just starting I could barely take care of myself. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew is I was doing it and that it gave me something to do and a voice. I didn't have a voice before or a self esteem or even know why I was a mom. Pretty bleak and depressing wouldn't you say?

A few years later I thought moving to a bigger safer neighborhood would take care of all my woes. There was someone in my church that was bullying me and it only kept me down and powerless. In fact my whole life I really never felt good physical or mentally and saw myself as a victim wherever I went. I didn't know that was what I was thinking though. So I was always looking for a way out. I wanted to feel safe and I didn't. I moved into my new house and new hope moved in too. It didn't take long to see that it didn't matter where I was. The pain and the unresolved issues at my other home and my whole life just followed me. Plus, I was new and didn't know anyone. Everyone was very friendly and nice but I had this big secret that I thought no one would want to really be my friend. I was alone, a victim and getting sicker by the day. I was such a joy to be around....NOT! Again who would want to be my friend. How could they? I was a mess. My home was a mess. Little did I know that God would turn my inward and outward mess into a message. That the darkness would be turned to light. Hopelessness into a spark of hope.

Before this light really could grow and I had to experience my final blow. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and IBS before my fourth child was born. My little new born baby was also struggling with food and we found out he was allergic to almost everything. I didn't realize that I would share the same fate. I was too exhausted to blog and to do the school lessons. I did this while I wrote about my journey. I thought maybe other moms would want to do the lessons. I also wrote about what I was going to feed this baby. Nothing in my life felt easy breezy. To keep my sanity I prayed and I wrote when my mind was clear enough to do so. I was sleep walking through my life. Until....a friend woke me up. She invited me to this group of woman. I have written about them before. It was the first time I heard me too! I had finally found woman that knew what I was going through. They understood and I was safe. I never felt safe before, loved or supported and it was all how I saw the world. If these woman could rise from their pain and circumstances. I could to!

The final piece of the puzzle was when I learned how our thoughts have the power to create. That I was creating my misery. It was a hard pill to swallow and it didn't go down well at first. However, because of these woman I had started gathering evidence that I could look at things differently. That it was okay to feel differently then I actually felt and that I could retrain my brain and my pain. What?? I am telling you right now. I did not expect God to tell me to look at myself when I was the victim here. There were people who hurt me and continued to hurt me as I relived it over and over. Depression wasn't me. It was a thought pattern that turned into a chemical change in my brain because I had been thinking this way for so long. It still needs to be diagnosed and dealt with by a health care professional because it is a chemical imbalance. But there is hope because there are things we can do in the meantime and people who have overcome it, like me. Winter is still hard but I have built up my awareness over the last 2 years. Every time I catch dark thoughts creeping in I course correct a little easier and faster. I no longer stay in the darkness but look for the light until it crowds out the darkness again. I do it as many times as it takes.

I have learned:
  1. To watch my thoughts and to turn my thoughts to God
  2. That my happiness is my choice and not due to my circumstances
  3. To heal my relationships with God, myself, my family
  4. To allow forgiveness and to let go of victim mentality
  5. To heal my mindset and view of time and money

Most of all when I want answers or want someway to analyze or point fingers it always comes back to me. I don't blame myself for this anymore. I know I didn't know any better so I kept going with what I knew. I know my blueprint for happiness. My thoughts create good in my life or bad. There is always another obstacle over the one I get over. How else are we supposed to grow. It is part of Gods plan for us to struggle and grow from it. We might as well be happy. I tried being miserable and that didn't work so well. So if you are asking why me? Why not you? What are you supposed to learn from this? How can it help you grow where you are and how can you teach it to others? These are the questions I ask myself everyday. The dark thoughts still come but I do not let them stay too long before questioning them and understanding why they are there. Thoughts are thoughts. Thoughts I have shared with you have helped me learn and grow and figure things out. I am ready to serve deeper and grow this idea born out of my struggles into really helping people. I will be moving soon to a new website. Stay posted. Stay with me as I again tackle my next obstacle. I will continue to blog here until this move is complete and I want you to come with me! Stay tuned. Stay happy. Keep learning and going! Stay with me because I want to know you better.

Friday, February 2, 2018

3 way to let go without forcing

I have always been a person who gets frustrated when I can't do something or figure something out fast enough. I was like that as a kid. I have always been so tight. A big stress ball. My mom told me that one day at recess she watched me play dodge ball. She said that I closed my eyes and tightened up when the ball was thrown every time. When I would get out she saw me physically relax and let go. Needless to say I was a tense kid at school and at home. At night my Mom would have to sing to me and rub my arm to calm me down. I can't really do that to myself but it works like a charm😉.

Since I have started listening to my body more I have noticed how alone and weighted down I feel some days. I just want the pain, the piles of things not getting done because I am sick or too tired, to go away ,but it doesn't. I have heard that what you resist persists. Like a needy person always hanging around.What we focus on grows. I see this neediness in my kids sometimes that no matter how much time and attention I give to them, its not enough. They want more. This is how it feels today with the projects, self care and self improvement I am attempting to do. It feels like a needy child that whatever I give isn't enough.The house will never get clean. I will never finish. There is not enough time.
 What is a reoccurring thought that you are resisting? Why are you resisting it? I believe a lot of times we resist because we are fearful and wanting to be done with what is ailing us or weighing heavily on our mind. Why do we hold on so hard and have trouble letting go?
I was also told how sensitive I was and that I shouldn't cry or I should be able to get over something. Those who told me this meant well, but that became a big trigger for me and a ding in my self esteem armor. Our sense of self protects us from slander and negative arrows thrown at us daily. But if we don't have much of an armor then it all becomes an attack and sinks deep into our heart and becomes a belief of who we are. What did they know? All of us big or small are just trying to make sense of our world and to feel safe. So why did I ever let someone who is struggling to know who they are themselves to have any effect on how I felt about me? Surely there is more inside than what they see on the outside. We are sons and daughters of God and shouldn't be beating ourselves up or believing others who don't realize the pain they are causing.

 I want to share with you 3 way that you can stop resisting your true feelings and start to let go. Imagine it like a balloon. You fill that balloon with all your worries, insecurities and old beliefs that don't serve you anymore. Fill it up and then let it go. Watch it go up into the sky until you can't see it anymore. Letting go like this feels natural and freeing and there is no forcing. I don't want you to be a stress ball like me as a little girl tense and waiting to be knocked down. The 3 ways to let go without forcing are 1)Learn to give up expectations 2) Be able to speak words of validation and affirmation. 3) Make self care a priority.
1)Learn to give up expectations on how you should or shouldn't feel or what you should or shouldn't get done. Perfection drives expectations which then drives frustration and overwhelm. You can't do anything well when you are overwhelmed. I have talked before of what happens when overwhelm is in the drivers seat. A lot of bad driving that is what! Swerving and honking and cursing and only stopping if it wants too. You have to give up what your day should look like and how much time you have or don't have. You have to give up labels that others gave you.
2)Be able to speak words of validation and affirmation to ourselves. I have found that a lot of our pain comes from needing validation or that things will be okay but we often don't hear it. Why not tell yourself how proud you are of you and what you are doing well. When I started doing this I no longer looked for it from others and I got more compliments from them anyway. Another thing you can do is to pray and ask God how he feels about you. He won't hurt you or leave you comfortless but you have to ask.
3) Lastly, you need to be doing self care. It needs to be in our schedules like an appointment. It is important because you can't do the inner work if your vessel is breaking down. You can't get to your destination if your check engine light is on in your car or you have a leaky gas tank and no energy. Self care is a must!

Start implementing these 3 thing in your life and you will be amazed at what wants to be freed. You will feel lighter and free to be you and create a better life for you and others around you each and every day.


Thursday, January 25, 2018

How to use Affirmations effectively and just for you!

Perhaps by now you have heard of affirmations. It is basically a way to flip your old negative script(stories you tell yourself) to a more positive one. The fact that it is repetitious allows it to start to change your brains neural pathways and make new ones! This is important for your goals too! Affirm it. State it as a fact. It is like you have already reached that goal and you are living it. Declare it strongly and with energy. That way what you want knows you want it and can find you! I am statements are powerful. For example, I am a clean person or I am a healthy person who exercises everyday. I am enough. I am calm and confident.

You are probably looking at these affirmations I used as an example and thinking that is random or that won't work for me. I get it. I tried affirmations many times before expecting a huge change and nothing happened. Well, actually the one thing that did happen is I immediately scoffed and said yeah that is not true! They didn't work because they were someone else's not personal to me. It wasn't until someone explained what affirmations do and how to set them that it worked!! It worked over time, little by little, and over much repetition and adjusting my affirmations.

Here is how you write an affirmation. I like to start with what I already know to be true. What am I good at or positive attributes about me. Then I write I am beautiful. I am a mentor and friend. By doing this your brain won't reject it because it is about you. It is a truth about you. Then when you get in the habit of reading your affirmations you can start working on deeper limiting beliefs(beliefs holding you back in some way) and negative thoughts. Expect your mind to fight you on this! Think about it? You have thought this way probably since you were a child. That is where we form most of out beliefs. These beliefs often don't serve us anymore as adults. So these beliefs are blocking you from who you really are and what you can really do. Affirmations break that block. It isn't like a wrecking ball kind of break more like chiseling away to let things in. You can even tell yourself I am choosing to believe new things about myself every day. Affirmations are great for goals which is what we are trying to achieve. Sometimes when start to dig things come up that you may need to work through before you can work on your goals. Keep trying them. You will find ones that make you feel lighter and tingly all over an then you know you are on the right track.They really are powerful when they are just for you!

One final tip! Write them down and use them. They won't do what they are meant to do when you don't use them regularly.

Okay one more! If you really want them to be powerful you can add visualization to them. To make both even more powerful add a positive emotion with it. Affirmations are not a quick fix.This all takes time and practice.

Here are the previous posts for claim your harvest
1.Claim your harvest for 2018
2.2 ways to clarify what you want
3.Lay it out and let it go

C-Clarity-Be clear on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it
L-Lay it out. Write it down and put your goals in a place you can see. Take away the urgency and perfectionism of it. Just let it be messy. Its like we are digging in the dirt and planting the seeds.
A-Affirm it -State it as a fact. It is like you have already reached that goal and you are living it. Declare it strongly and with energy. That way what you want knows you want it and can find you! I am statements are powerful. I am a clean person. Or I am a healthy person who exercises everyday.
I-Intention.Have a plan of action. Do something small like putting your shoes by your bed so you are ready to go on a walk. Clean a small area and be proud of what you did. Then build on that. Small actions bring about great things.
M-Move towards your goal again with the end in mind(your harvest). Keep moving forward no matter the obstacles and stumbling blocks in your way.