Communication with other people has not been my strong suit. Every time I would speak up for myself ,whether it was bullies, my teachers, my peers and even my family I got shot down. I was made to feel like I was too sensitive and emotional. It started an unhealthy addiction to perfection. It made me look at myself like something was wrong with me. I learned that outside forces defined me that what people thought and said were true. I learned that my thoughts we're heavy and scary and that they were true. I felt unsafe unloved. No matter who was there for me or who tried to show they cared and loved me I was completely overwhelmed bye things that happened to me and continue to happen to me and my emotions. I didn't realize what was happening. I didn't realize what damage I was doing to my mind and my body and the beliefs I was forming. I didn't know any other way to live unless I had something to fix something to make it all better. But it never did. It never did get better. The only thing I was able to do was to hide it better.
These last few years I have learned so much and change so much. I've experienced such darkness and pain that I didn't think it was humanly possible to experience. All my time and energy was sucked away by worrying and fighting and struggling and being triggered. But I've learned something from all of this. What I have gone through is worth it if it helps somebody else. I pray no one else has to step into that complete dark and hopelessness and fear and struggle. Every now and again it comes back and I feel it and I fear it and I struggle against it. But I've learned that fighting only brings resistance. And if you feel like you have to fight something the trick to fighting is........ patience. Patience with yourself. Patience with the events and circumstances of your life and trying to not bring fear and resistance and negative emotions to it. There is a force that wants you to think these things. That wants you to doubt yourself and doubt that there's any way out or any hope or any direction. Depression anxiety and Fibromyalgia and people in my life that trigger me have all been my greatest teachers of patience. We are like clay in the potters hands. Gods hands. We can allow our struggles to shape us or to crumble under the pressure.
The more I don't want something the more it persists. What if instead I look at what I can learn and what adversity can teach me? What if these frustrating patterns and addictions to negativity and seeing myself as a victim so early on in life can teach me something? Even those people who get under my skin and trigger me or make me think I am a bad person or I can't do it anymore can teach me. They teach me the most about being patient. Patient as I try to not control and fix things. Patient as I try to search for answers that benefit me and benefit them. Patience that God has brought these people into my life for a reason. That God has brought in all of this into my life for a reason. And that storm that seems to be circling around ,confusing me, scaring me and taking my very breath away, seems to dissipate in an instant as fast as it came.
I'm so grateful that I have learned what my triggers are. I'm so grateful that I know when I'm triggered and I'm aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't learned how to stop being triggered, I overcome it faster each time. I am not willing to devote my energy in my time to it any longer than it needs to be. I need to allow God to calm the storm inside so I can see clearly and know that it's okay. I can know that it's Depression or Anxiety or any triggering event or person and that I can't control that outside force. You can know. These perceived weaknesses can't control me.It can't control you. It's only powerful when I fear it and give it into it. When I start down that path of feeling worthless and not liking myself and not liking what's happening to me. I know that path of self loathing and destructive thoughts. I won't stay on that path. I can turn around. I can choose another path. So can you. I can choose another way. So can you. He shows me that way. He shows you.But only if I am listening and only if I allow it and ask for help.
I would encourage you to listen to your messengers and what you can learn. Slow down and listen. It may feel like there is too much and you are overwhelmed. I have been there. Don't let the storms on the outside come inside you. The answers and strength is inside you. Stand strong and build the strong inside you to not be blown about by very wind and withstand the storms of life.