How to throw a helpful pity party and then move on

Over the weekend I was able to see some dear friends of mine. It was so wonderful and reminded me what it feels like not to fight your way into a social circle like your are fighting a whirlpool in the ocean. Feeling alone and like you just don't fit in can feel a lot like you are being sucked into a vortex or something. Maybe it feels different to you I don't know. I do not want to say that I don't have friends in my neighborhood because I have wonderful friends! It is just new friendships. These fragile new relationships are not ready to hear all my crazy. A new friendship is like a tiny seed. You can't dump a ton of water on it and expect it to survive. I bet each of you can think of that one friend who you can let your guard down and spill your guts to. No matter how much time has gone by you feel like you can pick up where you left off. I miss that! These women that I am around are like super woman to me. It wouldn't be fair to complain and fall apart on them. Would it? I don't know. Why don't I know? Well it happened today. I was at church and feeling so overwhelmed and smothered by how I was feeling emotionally and physically that I had to go somewhere quiet before my internal screams became external ones. That would be humiliating and embarrassing, not to mention disrupting. I don't think I would have screamed audibly but I wasn't going to take a chance.

I found a place to sit and pray and wait for the pain to go away. Instead a friend of mine came in and so we chatted. Yay! I needed a distraction. She then asked me how I was doing?  Noooo! Why? I am fine until someone asks me that! I don't know what to do. Yes I need to talk but, again, it is a can of crazy mixed up emotions they are opening. Uh oh! Here come the water works. Okay yes, now I am totally blowing it on keeping it cool. Now what do I say?

How many of you have been in that situation? It is like a huge nuclear meltdown at the power plant that is your mind. This meltdown I wasn't really able to talk it out and after she left I wondered if I should have said anything.

 Pity party for one.

When I made it home and cooking 3 different lunches a knock came at my door. Another friend was at my door because that first friend ratted on me. Ha Ha. So sweet right? On the plus side, just them caring does make some of the ache go away. I don't know what to do when I hurt from head to toe and my emotions are out of my control. It might be time to go back on medication but I hate being in a fog all day! So much out of my control. Grrrrr!It makes me so mad! There is someone out there that feels like I do. I know it. For right now though I am not ready to spill the beans. Why me? I know we ALL ask ourselves this when we have a hard day or when life is just hard in general. So if you are like me here is what you do.  Throw a party!

1. Get some paper or your computer and just write. It is good to get it out, especially if you don't feel like talking.
2. Grab your favorite treat like chocolate or any comfort food really.
3. Watch a movie or listen to music.
4. Wrap up in a blanket or put on a cozy sweater.
5. Most importantly, remember that you always have tomorrow! It is a new and hopefully brighter day.So lets move on...

Check please!

 If your feelings aren't drowned out by the above suggestions you may need medical help. Depression is not a joke! I know I suffer from it!  Seek medical help quickly if you suspect that you do. It okay to have your party but then, check yourself  out of this party for one.

Oh yes I can eat the whole thing if I want to!

I am mother hear me roar!

Imagine 4 lion cubs a.k.a. my children, running around doing flips onto the couch and jumping from cushion to cushion. The volume of their screams could only be penetrated by the roar of the Mommy lioness. I am mother hear me ROOOAAARRR! However, this mommy did not want to roar and lose her cool. She sat there with her paws folded waiting for her lion cubs to join her in prayer. They were wild and did not. Disappointed and tired, the lights were turned off so the house became dark. Darkness was how she felt too....
Dark and tired...
      Dark with failure.......

ROAR!

Why does it have to be that mothers have to yell to get any attention? It almost always ends up with everyone upset! Tears and drama, drama, drama! To top my night off I was up with my allergy suffering, itching cub. All night! We almost didn't make it to school this morning because I had to peel myself off of the mattress.
Now I am alone, dark and tired.
      I am mother hear me cry.

ROAR!

When did being a mother become all about power? More accurately, when did it become more about power struggles? Does anyone else feel this way? Raise your paw. I don't think that the way animals solve a dispute in the wild is how I want to go about solving conflicts. So here is my question to you. How can we, the mothers, get that quick response from her cubs that a lioness can? A lioness roars to call her cubs back to the pride and they listen. My children conveniently forget their names it seems and tune me out until......ROAR!

I am a mother and I have something to say! When did I become such a  FIERCE lioness?  I feel I am preparing them for life and I am running out of time quickly. No pressure though. When the cubs do not listen it makes me angry so I ROAR my best Mommy ROAR. I love my cubs. They are great! I do enjoy watching my cubs play and wrestle. I enjoy it! Just not at night when someone almost always gets hurt and is screaming like a banshee! But hey, at least their lungs got some exercise. How can I stop these wild cubs? I don't want my cubs to fear me or worse, roar back at me. At that point communication is degraded and lost.

It is time to tame this lioness and focus on creating healthy relationships and self esteem for myself and my children. Words have the power to hurt or heal. Again with the power? Do you feel and know the power you have? Maybe it is time to look at making a softer roar.So choose what you say carefully.

Did you know there are 2 variations of a roar? Well at least there is as of today!  I am using the following acronym to transform that scary Roar to:

Reach
Out
And
Restore

There are many ways that as Mothers and parents that we can reach out. Anger can actually stop you from reaching out to your cubs. Throw your cub a tasty bone of listening and refraining from giving advice to quickly. They might be surprised and delighted and take a nibble. A lioness can pick up her cub by the tuft of her neck when necessary. EEEEW! Hairball! No thanks! I think I will just set clear limits and consequences for when rules are broken. Cubs need limits, but not too many. Finally give them a tasty slab of options. This is especially true for my boy cubs who want to be mighty kings of the jungle. Last and most important stretch out your paws and pull your cubs in for a furry warm hug.

Once you have reached out then you need to restore what may be lost. You may need to restore order or restore hurt feelings. The cubs might need to do some wound licking of their own too. I used to make the cubs say I am sorry, but now, I ask what they can do to make things right. I hardly ever hear sorry being said through gritted teeth and folded paws anymore.

Children love to wrestle and play. Getting them to stop and listen is tricky. We do not want to use our roars to intimidate or make our cubs feel bad. The trick is to reach out and restore(ROAR) Once us fierce lionesses realize that we can still keep the power and be loving; what can be better than that? Our roars may sound more like purrs of peace. Can we really tame the beast inside? What do you think?
 

How to embrace your current season of life

There are many seasons of motherhood. We all have a picture in our head how motherhood would be. Right?Congratulations you are a Mom! After 9 months of waiting your bundle of joy has arrived. Each one is small and helpless and needs you for everything! Infancy is over in what seems like a blink! You then watch them crawl and walk to independence. The older they get the less they need you, or think they do. Okay who signed me up for this? This is not how I pictured it would be! I am lost in what I picture and what is really happening. I certainly didn't think I would be battling an invisible illness. It is hard and exhausting plain and simple. Good news! I am told it doesn't get any easier. Hey wait! What? Hmmmmm.......I think I need to re-evaluate this contract or at least look at the fine print. Is there an instruction manual, because I feel like I am doing it all wrong? Is what I have done or didn't do already set in stone? How do I relate to these spirited and unique children? Where do I get the energy when it is gone before noon? Sometimes I feel like my family would be better off without me.

These emotions above have left me feeling bare and lost. Maybe I feel this way about being a Mother because life is slowing down. The leaves are changing and so am I. I love autumn and when the leaves start to fall. I enjoy strolls to delight my eyes with beautiful colors of red, yellow and orange.It does mean, however, that the season is about to change. I am not a big fan of the winter. I feel very much like a bare tree or a skeleton of my former mommy self. My leaves have been falling towards the negative side of things. Up until today I felt these feelings were a bad thing that somehow I was empty or dead inside. This theory led me to a interesting question. How do trees stay alive in the winter? I do not want to go into too much detail, but trees do several things to keep their living cells from freezing or dying. They go into a dormant state. So even though when all the leaves have fallen, you see the branches of a gnarled and twisted tree, there is amazing things happening inside. We cannot allow ourselves to freeze our hearts or be afraid of change. We should allow ourselves to become bare and vulnerable so we can see those branches of our character. We see who we really are and what we need to change. This dormancy is a time prepare for new growth.

I always thought that trees without leaves were ugly or even a little creepy. Now I see their beauty.We may loose our leaves one at a time or in big batches. It is no reason to worry. It is time to look inward. New leaves will grow back. We too can come back to hope and come back changed. Another observation worth mention here is, if you look at a tree it appears to be reaching toward the sky. No matter what our struggles we must always be reaching and trying to obtain the best life has to offer us. It does mean we have to try and not give up. It is easy to give up but takes thought and action to try.
"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

It is interesting to me that each time I write a post I am bearing my soul to you, my readers, that I usually end up with an idea or two by the end and feel uplifted. I want to really dig deep here and celebrate looking within myself as the air is more crisp and the vibrant yellow, oranges and red leaves fall softly to the ground. Knowing that it will produce leaves and fruit once again. I am excited about this project that just came to me. I am either going to buy a tree or draw one. Then, I am going to add a leaf for goals I accomplish or something that I have overcome. Later I can look back and see how much I have changed and it can be a reminder to embrace the changes. I hope it will make me feel better as a mother and to find a way to live my life through this illness. I do not like to feel like a failure or that I have nothing else to give. There is so much more for me to discover and embrace about these changes. You and I may have doubts and failures but we have to continue on despite them.What season are you in?

My life in ruins and that is okay

I am back! You won't believe where I have been or what I conquered to get there! It started on the last week of August. My parents flew in to learn the routine of what I do daily so that I could go to meet my sister and go to the UK! I still can't believe that I got to go and just got back on Sunday September 20th! Before I left my husband left to help a family member move. They stopped at our house Friday night to sleep and then drove again to California. I left the next day and met up with my hubby in California a few hours before he left to go home. It was basically a hi and goodbye.I was packed and ready to leave the country which was amazing! Crazy is what those few weeks were! What I didn't know was how a 7 hour time difference would affect my Fibromyalgia or if I could keep up the pace of a rigorous tourist schedule for over 2 weeks! Everyday for me is hard to get up and moving and if I push myself too hard I crash for days! Needless to say I was beyond nervous and missed my family so much! I have never left them like this before.

I left on this trip very frazzled and looking for a renewal of some kind. I was crumbling to ruins.Do you know what it feels like to feel like a burden to everyone around you? That is how I feel. It is very scary for me to admit that to you all. I didn't figure that out until this trip. When I got there I was expecting breathtaking views and history lessons. I did not realize how much I needed a break from routine and the stress of daily life. I did not expect that this trip would expose my greatest weaknesses and my need to change how I see and do things! All I could think about was how I needed a change, but what? I am still pondering on how to make this transformation.

Hmmmmm.........this might take my whole lifetime!

Speaking of transformations, I tried to do a little each day to get ready and change my sleeping habits.A few weeks before my trip I started going to bed by 9 p.m. and getting up at 5a.m.. I am not an early riser at all, but this was for the greater good right? It was hard but my motivation was strong. My hope was to help my body adjust better. I even downloaded Jet Lag Rooster to help me adjust easier. I was really surprised at how well I adjusted! The second or third day it was really hard to move, but I pushed on. A little over a week into the trip I couldn't eat anything without severe stomach issues, no need to be graphic. ;) Then 2 days before we could go home I slept the whole day. I couldn't go anymore!Nothing could wake me up either! I was grateful that most of my trip was without incident. It really was a trip of a life time! It was frustrating to not be able to eat for 4 days. However,for most of the trip I was able to find gluten free options and meals as well. Just like the amazing castles and things I saw ,I was a little bit in ruins near the end, but I am still here to tell my story. I am still standing! (Barely)

"We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we are afraid of the change, of things crumbling to ruins. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation"- Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

So basically I am in a flare and I ignored all the signs that it was coming. We had a plan of what to do each day but driving in the UK was a big contributor to this flare I think. It was sooooo stressful! I also wasn't very careful with what foods I ate or taking any rests. Now that I am home and I have to catch up on housework and find my routine again. It is a slap in the face by reality. I am already struggling and frustrated. I don't want to feel that way. Grrrrrr! I just had the most amazing trip of my life!Traveling gave me a chance to experience something new. It would be a shame if I lost all what I felt and learned just because I was thrown back into life. It feels like I was thrown in an icy cold lake.

Reality check!

I have decided to take some real time to reflect and look within. It would be incredible to enjoy every day amidst the pain and realities I face. I don't want the only thing for people to see is what is left and have people feel sorry for me. I want them to look at me with awe and amazement like I did at these landmarks. Even Stonehenge draws people in with its mystery.

 So here is what I learned....

1. Find the beauty in the ruins;be blinded by the beauty that is there.
2. How these castles and houses were built amazes me!I want the same for my life. How can I build myself back up?
3. Find time to relax and stop stressing!
4. Keep things fresh and simple.
5. Sample the flavors of life
6. Adventure lies waiting. There is so much to explore!

The ruins of Urquhart Castle in Scotland


"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along"- Rae Smith

Take backn your Turf Thurday-To do or not to do that is the question

I am having one of those days weeks where I feel stressed and overwhelmed. I have been able to get some things done around the house. Yet I still feel that it is messy, unorganized. When it hurts to even get in the car it is hard to run errands or clean the simplest of things. I started to think what I would do with a whiny and uncooperative kid, who thinks the world revolves around them. That is when it hit me! I would  need to talk with them and come up with a solution. I need to have a chat with my to do list! It thinks that everything needs to get done TODAY, no matter if this is to the detriment of my health. I love, love, love lists! I write them but then I feel overwhelmed! It feels like any minute the big stack will turn around with its scary jaws and eat me! Yes, I am exaggerating! Sometimes my have to get done items do not get done because I can't move or I am too exhausted. Then I feel like a big fat failure!  I am swallowed by my feelings of failure and being overwhelmed.

Yesterday, I was stressed to get my house ready for guests and stressed to keep my kids on task. It was not fun! I was tense and irritable. Today I managed to stretch my muscles, load and unload the dishes, start a crock pot dinner, and get the kids to and from school. There are still things to do sloshing around in my head. I am in complete denial that fibromyalgia can win. I have tried and got up today but I still feel the same.

I have come to the conclusion that today may be a tough one! So I am tossing the to do list out today and making a what not to do list. My attempt here is to stop the over thinking and over planning.

1. Do not listen to negativity from others and yourself.
2. Do not feel guilty for saying no to a fun or good thing. Pushing yourself so you look less pathetic will not help. Your body will scream at you!
3. Do not focus on what you can't do. Focus on your Ta da list and what you can do.
4. Pick one thing and do it.
5. Take your task and figure out how much time it will take. Allow double or triple that time to get it done.Break it down into pieces.
6. Break it down even more!
7. Do not compare yourself to other woman whose house is spotless.
8. Stop worrying! Just stop it!
9. Don't forget yourself. Put care of yourself on your list. That includes diet, sleep, exercise, meditation and down time.

Bound and determined to break free

I feel like I have neglected my little blog lately, and have sorely been missing it as an outlet. Here I am! I cannot believe summer is over and the kids are in school. The last few weeks have been a little on the frustrating side. There has been a lot of storms in the sky and within. How is that for deep huh? I have started and stopped writing a post so many times, but nothing reads like I want it to. It is more like vent, complain, vent and complain some more. I figured you would not want to hear that. So here I go again! I need to speak. The pain wants to come out! How honest should I be? That is the question. I feel like a burden to my husband and friends. When they ask how I am feeling I never know what to say. So, I say I am okay. But that is far from the truth. It is not only a battle with pain and exhaustion, but a daily battle with my thoughts. I have turned to the scriptures and have found comfort, but only to hang in there a little longer. I don't want to sound ungrateful either and drive away any hope that I have. I keep praying to know what I am to learn from my illness. I need to do some more searching I guess......

All of the crooked pieces of my illness started to fall into place 5 years ago when they found I had celiac. Then I was able to battle very severe depression so I could live again. It is still a battle today but I can cope better. Then we moved away from wonderful friends. The distance, though small, has proven to be quite the wedge, as far as keeping in touch. I love where we live now, but I lost a friend who I could really talk to about all of this. I miss her and try to draw from her strength when we catch up via text of Face book. There are amazing people here, but they are super Moms in my opinion, and it is hard to measure up let alone keep up! They are confident and organized and so amazing!!!

I am grateful to know that the Lord is there. I truly believe that. I just struggle with letting him carry my burdens and not revisit the same woes again. I am really in awe of Nephi in 1 Nephi 7 in the Book of Mormon. He was so faithful and strong. He even found time to praise the Lord when his brothers bound him. David A. Bednar said "Nephi did not pray to have his circumstances change, rather he prayed for strength to change his circumstances. I am bound by my illness so how can I break free? Nephi must have felt alone and wondered why his brothers wouldn't listen and hated him so much. There was no pity party for one. He believed and he broke free. It is so hard to think like that. I am going to have bad days. I need to accept that! When I am struggling to break free I need to pray for strength. This may never go away. I may never have a day that is pain free, but I can choose to do something about it. Let me say that again, I can choose. I choose to be happy! I choose to count my blessings! I choose not to miss moments of joy! I am bound and determined!

Before I go I hope I have inspired you, whether it is to live through your illness, face difficulties or just to renew your faith in the word of God. Let's face it, we all have bad days!Thanks for stopping by!

Taking action in August

Hello all of you! I have been a little MIA.For two weeks now I have been battling a nasty cold. Some days my energy is not there and neither is my voice. Today our basement flooded and I called our relief society president and within minutes help was on the way. I had already dragged buckets and a wet vac so now I am using heating pads and ice on my joints. Not so fun. :(

 It can be really easy to be flooded with too much in your life. Some days I feel my goals and dreams are washed away by procrastination or just the daily to do's. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed! All things considering, I am grateful for so many things today. I have really been trying to pray more and ask for guidance in my day to day. I have been planning more and putting those plans into action. When something pops into my head or a name I act on it. Each night I think of the next day. That is why, this month, I plan to take action! I don't want to be my overambitious type A self and set goals that are too high. Instead, I hope to set the bar low so that I can have success. I want to celebrate the baby steps until I have climbed to the top of what I am aiming for. Cleaning my house sounds good until I notice all that needs to be done. I just want progress and I get so miffed when anything stands in the way of it! I may fail! I took a deep breath when I wrote this. It WOULD be easier for me to think my house could be the way I want in a year rather than a week or tomorrow! How do I do this? Here is what I am hoping to accomplish this month

1. Learn to break tasks down into smaller bites
2. Mentally not get frustrated that I can't get to the end result as fast as I would like
3. Learn to mind map-it is a way of brainstorming and breaking your ideas down into more manageable chunks.
4. Plan my day by picking most important small tasks.
5. work on task for 50 minutes and then stop for 10 minutes. The ten minutes is to refocus and decide what to do next.
6. Evaluate at the end of the day



TAKE ACTION NOW! JUMP IN!