When you have reached your breaking point

Everything is too much right now! I end the day optimistic that tomorrow will be a better day. I try to make it so, but keep getting derailed by something. That something can knock me out for days or bring me to my breaking point. I even considered just going back to California. Then my muscles won't ache, the sun shines and my beaches are there! I go to the doctor and end up with more questions or more tests. I am drained and so is my bank account.

I can keep busy and that masks the problem for a few days.  Just like a prowling predator it creeps up on me. Whatever "it" is at the time, knocks me down, flat! The panic is there, like I won't be able to get back up again. Then I always feel guilty because I know someone has it worse than I do and I shouldn't be complaining. It feels like I take 2 steps forward and then one step back. Something always has to give and it is usually my house. Even that creeps up on me too! I need to talk and get all this out but I worry I will alienate my friends. I am not saying I am giving up. I just need to feel like I am doing more than just coping or changing my personality type.

 I have so much to be grateful for. When I count my blessings, it is like a band aid covering my wounds. It helps a little. I always end up at the same feelings of exhaustion and being overwhelmed, like I am just going in a circle. Why do I keep reaching this breaking point and not see the signs that it is coming? At least then I could do some preventative measures. I laughed at my internist when she said stress could be causing all these problems. I thought she didn't know what was wrong and was just saying something to get me out the door. I am beginning to think she might be right! I do not handle stress well and it is the biggest predator of my happiness of them all! The problem is I don't know where to begin. I feel like each day is a piece of a puzzle. I just start to see the full picture and then without warning, the puzzle changes and then things aren't so clear anymore. Plus, I have to start over again! Two steps forward and one step back!

Whenever I write such a revealing post about myself it is therapeutic but leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable. My hope its that someone will read what I have to say and find comfort that they are not alone, and you are not! Another thing that you may have guessed from following my blog is that I am a fighter! I admit defeat but I get back up on that horse we call life! Nothing feels better than when you feel like you are holding the reins and that you have the control.

In addition, many of you also know that I like to do research and see what others have done in my situation. Today I found this article on what to do when you have reached your breaking point. In this article it lists habits that could be leading to stress and imbalanced. Stress is definitely a lack of balance. I like balance and control. So I looked at these habits carefully. Here is the list.

 1. You work until you feel exhausted.

2. You put up with a lot of stress at home or at work.

3. You seek distraction with hours of television, video games or surfing the Internet.

4. Once you begin to work on something, you focus intensely, rarely getting up to move around.

5. You take your life very seriously, without a sense of humor.

6. You over schedule your time.

7. You're addicted to being busy.

8. You fret and worry.

9. You are constantly texting, emailing and checking up on things.

10. You deal with all the demands in your life by multitasking.

11. Your diet is loaded with sugar, fat and processed food.

12. You eat in a hurry, sometimes on the run. 

Anyone else find that fits your life more than you would like to admit? Except, for me #11 does not apply because I can't eat that much anyway. Ha ha! However, too many of them do apply to me. Getting enough sleep and dealing with this stress is not such an easy task. The other thing to factor in all of this is will these changes take a few weeks, or years? Can I be patient enough to work at it until it does change? I really don't like when I feel so past my breaking point.

I mentioned a few posts back that I have this card with things I can do to boost my mood. I actually stopped writing today to do some stress relieving yoga. Exercise is on the list and I was able to with each breath let go of all that stress weighing me down. I think that for a while I will have to make a conscious effort to do some of these things as my prevention. I will of course update you here on my blog.

Here is my fabulous Be of good cheer card

 

 



 

 

I feel that to avoid my breaking point that I need to do more preventatives. These mood boosters need to be an everyday for me. Writing is a passion and helps me dump all the negativity and thoughts somewhere. It should be part of my everyday routine.  Another preventative is getting enough sleep and eating well.(Not written on the list above) I can't forget those habits mentioned above either. I am also trying to get my husband on board with eating no processed food. We will see! Still a lot to do at this particular time in my life. I am not sure how I am going to fit it all in. This is me getting back on the horse of life and trotting along for a while. Maybe then I can stop doing this little dance of 2 steps forward and 1 step back, and glide gracefully and fluidly through life. Crossing my fingers! Setting some new goals! Thanks for listening and I hope you find some small way to bring some balance back into your life. 

Summer of Sucess week 5-How do you measure sucess?

Success is defined as the accomplishment of an aim and a purpose. I have had several things I have been aiming for this summer. I have seen some success!

1. Stop the summer slide
2. Help kids make goals
3. Become more organized
4. Change negative behaviors
5. Stress less by doing things that make me happy
6. Get the baby out of our room and in his and keep his eczema out of control

My Summer plans have been altered because of kids unwillingness to participate and just plain exhaustion. The kids are reading and have read over 10 hours. That is great success. For writing prompts I am going to have them do it during quiet time and see if I have more success there. The older 2 kids have really been liking chess. My 10 year old is quite good.

Skill: picking up after yourself and controlling anger

I wrote down behaviors that have been bothering me and consequences that will follow. My doctor says I need to stress less so I am not going to stress if they don't do their room, but that means no friends or screen time will happen. This has definitely helped. On Monday was rough because one of my kids behavior was so disrespectful that they lost all privileges and had to go to bed early.

On the plus side, potty training for my Kindergartner is going great! That was a huge stress that is gone! He had accidents the first 3 days and I was about to give up! Now he has been accident free 3 days and has graduated to the big potty. At the end of today he will get his Chima lego set he has been waiting for!

I have also worried about my blog and keeping up but then I enjoy it less. Summer is busy anyway so I am here but if you don't hear from me, you will in a few days.

How do you measure success? Everyone has a different picture of what that entails. To me, it is not about the material aspect of it but the emotional rewards. That is, that we are all healthy and happy.Plans can go wrong but we can't give up. The kids goals and wants for the summer are different then mine. I guess I need to try a little harder to listen and align my goals with theirs! Success to me is that the kids and I are happy. Until that happens we are all trying to work together and redefine what we want. Some times we have too high of an expectation with an even bigger let down. I think that is what I did with my summer plans. So now I am building up slowly with smaller goals and steps. I can look at the small success I have and still look forward to the big picture.

I wanted to end with the scripture from Mosiah 4:27
 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

How to fight when you feel like you have nothing left to fight for

I wish I didn't have to fight so hard each day. It is a fight to get out of bed because it hurts to move. It is a fight not to feel like I have to be perfect. A week ago I wrote about the struggle I had with my kids listening and being so strong willed. It is a fight not to argue with my kids or to lose control when my daughter is crying for the eighth time that day and I mean the theatrics and everything! I don't know how to change my thinking or fight the anxiety and stress that comes over me. It has been especially tough due to potty training the most strong willed child I have ever known. He finally will wear his underwear but he doesn't recognize when he needs to go potty. It has been so stressful I am going to have to fight not giving up and putting him back in diapers. He is way too old for them and going to school next year.

It is a fight to go out to social events because I can't eat anything there and it smells so good. It is a fight not to feel left out of things that are happening around me. Sometimes I have to fight to be included. I have to help my little guy fight the urge to scratch because he is so miserable. At least I still can fight and want to!

 Last week our Relief Society woman got together for an activity where this amazing and energetic Psychologist, Karen Nickl talked about being of good cheer. I have been thinking about her presentation all week! First of all I know that my anxiety and stress are self induced and even though my internist wants me to see a counselor I am reluctant to do so. Stubborn? Me? I guess I know where my children get it from! Ha! That is a slap of reality. I did feel like her tips got me out of my rut this week. She gave us a card with the suggestions on it. Some of her suggestions were to eat some fruit or vegetables before you reach for desserts, socialize, and 30 deep belly laughs like you get when your dog just ran into your sliding door when it was shut! Another powerful one that I tried for a few days is thought stopping. That is when you think of something and it is like you get on a train and in a continuous loop you keep thinking about the same thought and building on it. Mine lately seems to be about my kids and my house. I start to think how stubborn and hearing selective my kids are and before you know it I am all worked up and for what?

  It is hard to rewire your brain but that is exactly what I must fight to do! I do not know why I keep letting my thoughts hold me back. I blame myself but I know that depression is a real physical illness and I keep trying hard and make adjustments. The minute I stop paying attention to my depression it gets the better of me. I let myself become isolated because I think no one understands me. Honestly some people in the past have not been supportive. It really is all in my head! The trick is to get out of my head and just go outside or do one of the things that I have on my handy dandy card I received at the activity. I do not want to accept mediocrity. Some days I know getting out of bed is the biggest fight I win every day. People ask me all the time how I am doing? I am grateful they care, but I never quite know what to say, except I am there and I am not giving up. That is a thought train I want to stay on board with! All aboard the positive thought train!

What do you do when you have feel like giving up? Who do you confide in? You are not alone!

Summer of Sucess wekk 4 Day 1,2,3

The kids have been enjoying swimming lessons this week and last. We are starting to get a better schedule and the kids are working on goal setting. We went to the library and the kids got to record their reading and listen to a local author speak. My oldest is really good at writing so hopefully that sparked some interest. It was especially motivating because he said that he learned that he had to work at what he was good at. This years theme is about being the hero of your own story. It made me think that I definitely need to be focusing on what my kids are good at and teaching them the value of work. Right now I get eye rolls when I mentioning anything to do with work. Remember it is all about building trust and getting them comfortable with how things are.








We have also been learning about the types of rocks.

 

For math we are doing https://www.tenmarks.com/  where they have programs tailored to them. Then I don't have to worry so much about Math. :)

June 15th
Devotional- The formula part 1

June 16th
Devotional- The formula part 2

June 17th
Devotional- How to share part 1
There is light in each of us and we need to share it!

Mathew 5:16
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
watch: Shine your light and Go light your world

 

Summer of sucess week 4 lesson plans

Today I kind of had a mental health day after I broke down into a puddle of nothingness. I am trying to get to the bottom of my anxiety and worry and I have come to the conclusion that I am too controlling and a perfectionist. This also makes me a pretty prideful woman because I always need to be right. The scriptures warn us against pride in all its forms. So now what? I pretty much feel that I have a lot of work to do now. Somehow I need patch up all the relationships I have inadvertently been trying to control and help my children use their leadership or "strong willed" selves and cultivate that side of them. No pressure though! Ha ha!

I have been thinking a lot about horses lately and how you need to break a horse so you can ride them. I feel maybe that is what I have been doing with trying to force my children and husband to do things my way. I am not trying to pressure my kids to be perfect but to have them help more around the house. Pressure might be exactly what they are feeling though. There are many values my children already possess that I may not be putting enough emphasis on developing. My unnecessary worrying might also be messing with my child's self esteem, despite my best intentions. Am I angry at them for not doing or completing what I ask? I don't think I am asking too much really, but my execution may need some sprucing up. What if I just let go of the reins and hold my arms out and close my eyes. My children may take over and surprise me. Also in learning more about horses I notice that they have a built in love of doing different things and quick learning habits. There are jumping horses, barrel racing or track horses. If the trainer is aware of the learning characteristics of a particular horse things go much faster and are less stressful too.Kids have built in abilities too and they hate disappointing their parents, despite if they rebel or not. As a mother I am suppose to train them up in the way that they shall go. There is a training tool for horses called Longing. This is a technique for training horses, where they are asked to work at the end of a line and respond to commands. I know horses think differently then humans but I like the techniques and it is very interesting. It is about building trust with your horse and never punishing them. Some horses are very high strung and need a lot of exercise. My kids are pretty wild. As parents we set boundaries as a trainer does with its horse. Except my kids do not want to respond to my commands so it feels like we are running in circles all day.

Yee haw! So I guess I am starting from square one, this is my connection with my kids, so they feel they can trust me. It is our connection to our children and those around us that matter. I need to let go of worry and my expectations, thereby loosening the reins or not using them at all. Then I can help them feel comfortable with the routine of things. They may need exercise before they can sit down and be teachable. This is a long way of saying that I am not sure what I will be able to get out of them school wise. We will definitely keep reading and writing and getting my Kindergartner ready! We missed a lot of last weeks activity so check out week 3 lesson plans.
The devotionals this week will be:

June 15th
Devotional- The formula part 1

June 16th
Devotional- The formula part 2

June 17th
Devotional- How to share part 1

June 18th
Devotional- How to share part 2

June 19th
Devotional- We are all connected

9 ways to get out of a mommy rut and stay out!

2 Nephi 25:25-26

 25 For, for this end was the law given; wherefore the law hath become dead unto us, and we are made alive in Christ because of our faith; yet we keep the law because of the commandments.

 26 And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

 

I love this verses and it reminds me to be even more diligent on what I am teaching my children. I have been in a rut lately with my kids. There is tension and frustration and I feel more like a prison guard than a Mother. I heard a quote that sometimes you have to move backwards to move forward. I can think of many times where I tried to back out from somewhere in my car, only to have to move forward and then back and then forward and back again. My husband always laughs at me because it can be difficult to get just the right angle that I need to get out, especially my garage. In the case with my children that is exactly how it has been going. One of the best  ways to go backwards is to go back to the basics. This is where this scripture comes in. Heavenly Father does not want to be squeezed in to our busy lives or our children's. They need to know by our example what we hold most sacred. Our Savior gave up his life so we could have everything. We are gifted these children to teach and it is everything! It also over so fast! It should be as important to our spiritual souls as eating and sleeping is to our physical bodies.

I shouldn't have to yell and scream. It changes the feel of our home and there is no way I can teach or guide my children.  I need to come at it from a different angle. I am really not sure what I am going to do exactly but I know what is at stake and that it is important to me to not get lost. I always turn to researching and learning all I can. My children can't ignore me.  If they tune me out they tune out being teachable. It is silly really. They don't want to do school or chores because it is Summer and they should have fun. This mentality worries me the most I think. Maybe they don't see me as an authority figure because I have been so sick? On the outside I smile and carry on, but inside I am broken and confused. It is like I have a team of horses that don't want to pull their weight or move at all.

 It is not easy for me to write posts where I feel I am failing but I hold the reins. I cannot fail! Maybe I am holding the reins too tight or like I am the captain of a mutinous crew? What do I do? I need to get out of this rut! Maybe my children are in a rut too? Here are some ways to get out of a rut. If you keep doing these 9 things it should keep you out of one too!

1. Try to change something up. Find a new routine or new way to put the spark back into a relationship. A strong relationship is like a bridge. If it is strong it will always lead them back to you and you will always have a way to them. I could try to make things more exciting! Change a habit or try a new hobby.
2. Write in a journal. Express your worries or feelings of your day. It may help you see the problem.
3. Look for inspiration. Find someone who is going through something similar. That is what I love about blogs!
4. Try to go against your personality type. What I mean by that is it will not come naturally to you. I have a type A personality so I can be very controlling and manipulative. Therefore, I need to give some slack on my "mommy reins". This is a big goal so the next step would be to....
5. Break this big goal into smaller goals so that you don't get overwhelmed.  
6. Learn to recognize when I am feeling stressed as well as my kids and take time to relax and come back to the situation.
7. Remind yourself that this rut you are in will pass.
8. Take responsibility and see what you are doing to contribute to the problem. Also be prepared to resolve conflicts where they may be needed. In this case I need to resolve it with my kids and tell them I am sorry for the way I have been handling things.
9. Take control of the change you want. Be willing to work hard and constantly until you reach your vision.

Here I go! Wish me luck!

A little bit of sun, fun and Doctors-No pain no gain!

"Are you feeling well?" my kids asked

What can I say to them when it hurts to move, my stomach hurts and my head is pounding. That was yesterday. Today I was at an internist to see if they could figure out what might be going on. She seemed to think opposite of what my doctors were thinking and wanted to test me for Sacroiliitis.?????Whatever that is!This is a term used to describe inflammation of your sacrioliac joints. Hmmmmm interesting. I looked that up and found that I do have a lot of the symptoms but what does that have to do with my stomach? There is definitely more to look into here!

I intend to take this to the Lord and see what I feel from it. Oh yes and she took me off of my supplements and wants me to eat. I told her I do eat, but most food hurts me. I will take this back to my general practitioner to see what they say as well. I feel like I still have more questions than answers at this point. Grrrrr so frustrating!

I also started reading the Book of Mormon in a month challenge with my sister in law. We are supposed to read 8 chapters a day. Not too much but it definitely takes more time than my usual morning study. I am loving it!

My oldest 2 have swimming lessons this and next week so life is a little more busy for us! Might have to take a break from school?

My oldest son finished his Pokemon bag with pieces of white, red, black and blue felt! Yay! I am so  proud.
  
At the end of the day I took my kids to the splash pad. It was hard to really enjoy them because I was hurting so bad! I am glad I did it though. Every day is a challenge but I am not giving up! I hope this will help any of you, who may be struggling on some way. You can find the gain in the pain. This is my true blue days of pain but I can only change the way I see it and that is my gain!