I wish I didn't have to fight so hard each day. It is a fight to get out of bed because it hurts to move. It is a fight not to feel like I have to be perfect. A week ago I wrote about the struggle I had with my kids listening and being so strong willed. It is a fight not to argue with my kids or to lose control when my daughter is crying for the eighth time that day and I mean the theatrics and everything! I don't know how to change my thinking or fight the anxiety and stress that comes over me. It has been especially tough due to potty training the most strong willed child I have ever known. He finally will wear his underwear but he doesn't recognize when he needs to go potty. It has been so stressful I am going to have to fight not giving up and putting him back in diapers. He is way too old for them and going to school next year.
It is a fight to go out to social events because I can't eat anything there and it smells so good. It is a fight not to feel left out of things that are happening around me. Sometimes I have to fight to be included. I have to help my little guy fight the urge to scratch because he is so miserable. At least I still can fight and want to!
Last week our Relief Society woman got together for an activity where this amazing and energetic Psychologist, Karen Nickl talked about being of good cheer. I have been thinking about her presentation all week! First of all I know that my anxiety and stress are self induced and even though my internist wants me to see a counselor I am reluctant to do so. Stubborn? Me? I guess I know where my children get it from! Ha! That is a slap of reality. I did feel like her tips got me out of my rut this week. She gave us a card with the suggestions on it. Some of her suggestions were to eat some fruit or vegetables before you reach for desserts, socialize, and 30 deep belly laughs like you get when your dog just ran into your sliding door when it was shut! Another powerful one that I tried for a few days is thought stopping. That is when you think of something and it is like you get on a train and in a continuous loop you keep thinking about the same thought and building on it. Mine lately seems to be about my kids and my house. I start to think how stubborn and hearing selective my kids are and before you know it I am all worked up and for what?
It is hard to rewire your brain but that is exactly what I must fight to do! I do not know why I keep letting my thoughts hold me back. I blame myself but I know that depression is a real physical illness and I keep trying hard and make adjustments. The minute I stop paying attention to my depression it gets the better of me. I let myself become isolated because I think no one understands me. Honestly some people in the past have not been supportive. It really is all in my head! The trick is to get out of my head and just go outside or do one of the things that I have on my handy dandy card I received at the activity. I do not want to accept mediocrity. Some days I know getting out of bed is the biggest fight I win every day. People ask me all the time how I am doing? I am grateful they care, but I never quite know what to say, except I am there and I am not giving up. That is a thought train I want to stay on board with! All aboard the positive thought train!
What do you do when you have feel like giving up? Who do you confide in? You are not alone!