How to have a morning that energizes you all day long

Powerful     Productive    Positive

These are the 3 P's that I am adding to my morning routine. I have the most energy in the morning even though I am the most sore and stiff. Since my physical energy has limits I want to feel energy from within. I am a very creative when I allow myself to be. I hope to fill up my morning so that when I am running on empty I do not slip into self pity and depression. I do not expect this to be easy. I know it will be a lot of work. I am used to hard work. I worked hard in school but I still lagged behind. I worked hard to be liked until I got that and felt nothing. I worked hard on my LDS mission until I came home and slept for several days straight. Life is hard work and it seems like it is always ready to knock you down again. Well I have been knocked down so many times but I get up again and that is what matters. It is hard to get back up. It is hard to fight the negative thoughts. I am ready for some more hard work. Are you?

I am ready to fill my life with as much positive energy as I can. I want to feel like a good Mom. I want to feel like a good person. I am teaching myself and my kids how to have a good self esteem. I am teaching myself to stop treating myself so bad and to flow down the river of life without worrying I will drown or hit bumps in the road. I am rediscovering what makes me tick and what keeps me fighting. I am not wanting to get back to who I used to be. I am not a fan of her or the current me. So I guess that means I pick a spot and start there? Every day I have to be around myself and everything that tempts me to fall back into the darkness.

Why are we waging war on ourselves? Why are we struggling when it is easier to trust in the almighty God who is also our rescuer? I am on a journey from fear to peace. I am overcoming negative thoughts everyday. Where in your life are you losing positive energy? Where are you causing the most self sabotage?

So what is this hard work I am talking about? First of all getting up is hard when I have told myself that there is nothing to get up for so long. You learn to protect yourself when you feel so much pain, even if it is self inflicted, or not. All I did in protecting myself was erase myself. So I am going to get out of bed and pray to be a powerful Mother and Wife. I am going to pray to be productive, even if it just a little. I am going to pray to be positive and to fight those negative thoughts with all the energy heaven will give me. I am going to say my positive affirmations. I am going to get outside and soak up the sun and then I am going to feast on the words of the scriptures.

The productive part is a little bit more of a struggle. What most people can do in a day I can only do 1/4 of it. I have to or I run myself into the ground. I am not okay with this mediocrity or that my energy can be used up so fast but it my reality. At night I write down all the things I think I can do in an hour. In the morning I review it and get to work. After working for 15 minutes I take a break and then do another 15 minutes. What would take an hour with breaks actually takes me all morning. By afternoon my energy is just gone as if it went down a drain or something.

My last and most powerful part of my morning lately is visualizing how my day is going to go.  I stumbled on a powerful visual that I have been using everyday. I visualize myself floating down a river. I keep going down the river and if I hit a rock or strong current I see myself not struggling or trying to swim against the current. This visual helps me stay present and not go into my past or worry about the future.If something happens during the day I think to myself. Am I fighting the current or moving with the flow and letting things happen the way they do?

So how do you get going in the morning? What tricks do you use to stay productive and energized? Where are you fighting the natural flow of life?



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Its my life and I am taking a stand

I feel like I should just write. Anything. Everything. Just write until it all makes sense............

  I am not sure if I have ever been sure of who I am. It is embarrassing to admit that so many times in my life I have felt insecure and had a low self esteem. I am still that little girl struggling to fit in and desperately looking for something. But what? I have the gospel and Christ in my life. But I am fighting for my life. I am fighting to keep standing. I think what I have been looking for are things that make me feel validated. Some people would call that needy but I would say that I was never taught how to challenge negative thoughts and so they kept coming. I kept looking for worth when I was accepted by others. First theses thoughts were like a fog rolling in and out in stressful times of my life. Then they became a dark cloud that hung over my head most days. Soon it was a raging storm within like a tsunami. How do you stand in the rain when you are getting pelted by so many thoughts or just completely knocked over by them? Pretty soon I couldn't stand anymore and I gave into the darkness of Depression. I was silent and isolated but screaming inside to be free.

5 years ago I thought I was free from Depressions clutches but it is still there and waiting to pounce when I am the most vulnerable. I am attacked by these negative thoughts everyday but I am sick of it! I do not want to be a victim anymore! But I have no idea how to be truly free from this demon. It is not just a bad day. It is a heavy weight crushing you! I want to stare it in the face and tell it that it has no power over me. I wish to but I am scared. I have seen and felt its power even over the last two weeks. I am winning more battles then I have before but the war itself rages on inside of me.

A friend of mine told me that when I feel overwhelmed I need to take a break from my deep thoughts. I may be surrounded by them like the deep sea but I do not have to look at them all the time. She said it is like I am in a submarine. I can use the periscope and look anytime I want but then I can close it up and not look anymore. Then when I am ready I can look again. I tend to want to look at the whole picture and by so doing, I overwhelm myself. I drown in my fears, insecurities and failures.

I thought that I had a good self care routine in place to take care of myself, but I really don't. It took me this long to realize that I am not nice to myself. I thought reading self help books and working on myself was what I should be doing. Instead it became and obsession. I worried and obsessed to make myself and my family better. I was really feeding a monster known as perfectionism. I am no where near where I thought I was and it shocked me. I really thought I was doing better but I was unprotected from myself and any attack. My fortifications were weak and not very effective. This realization blew me away! I keep getting annihilated by the enemy. My self worth has been destroyed and I didn't even know it. My life has been screaming that I have low self esteem and I missed it! I think that all of us at times in our lives don't see some of the warning signs. I have always been hard on myself but I thought that was good because it made me challenge myself to be better. Take a look at your habits and your thoughts. What are they telling you? If you find yourself like a deer in headlights with this realization too, don't worry , I think that means things will get better. At least I am hoping so! There is always hope!

With this hope I am going to do a few things this week  to find out who I am. Make a list of things you might want to do or borrow some of mine. As we open ourselves to changes we can make it is like we are standing for the first time. I think I have been crawling or limping my way through my life just dealing with the pain. My sense of self is completely gone. So here is what I am going to do to take a stand and say I am not going to take it anymore! I am stronger than that and so are you! Let us be kind to ourselves and find the right ways to motivate ourselves to change. Down below I made a mind map of self esteem and all the areas that are linked to it.  It was a good way for me to get a sense of the whole picture and where I am hurting myself the most.

1. Make a self care plan
2. Write a list of my strengths and what I am good at
3. Write a list of all my past accomplishments
4. Find ways to motivate myself

Summer of Sucess-Week 4

This Summer is going by so fast! This is the last week in July!

Devotional- Today I really wore my heart on my sleeve. I felt impressed to talk to the kids about anger and acting out in anger or frustration. We talked about triggers or what can set the kids off. I asked them where in the scriptures we could find such examples. We talked about Nephi and Laman and Lemuel. There are several examples 1 Nephi 3:28-31.  Laman and Lemuel hit Nephi with a rod and an angel comes down and stops them. 1 Nephi 7. Laman and Lemuel bind Nephi with cords and rebel.  1 Nephi 17. Nephi is commanded to build a ship. His brothers get angry again and Nephi is given power to shock them. 1Nephi 18. Nephi and his family sail on the ship. His brothers bind him and are driven back by a great tempest. All these cases they listened to their anger and to Satan's lies.  I told the kids that when they fight or refuse to help it triggers emotions and feelings inside me. I shared with them how anxious and upset it makes me. I talked about Satan's lies to me that I need to be firm and teach them a lesson. They can't talk to me that way. I felt like a failure as a Mother. I also felt like my house would always be a pigs sty. I told them if I kept believing these lies that I continue in a downward spiral. I told them it wasn't their fault that I felt this way it was mine but I wanted them to know that I am not perfect and I don't expect them to be. I have insecurities and feelings just like them.

My youngest is learning how to dress himself. My first grader worked on addition. He used cars as manipulatives. My 4th grader worked on 3 times tables. My oldest 6th grader is working on his math and time management.

My daughter got her project done on brachiosaurus and triceratops. She did a tri fold poster board. She did it all on her own!


Devotional- I really have been thinking a lot on how we are all in a war with Satan right now. He is attacking us individually and in our families. We need to be ready and prepared to fight and fight relentlessly! We watched this video about the armor of God, which I remember watching in seminary a long time ago. Love the 80's look ha ha! It also has fighting which boys love! Its a great one!

 

Well I am struggling trying to get much done this Summer but I am beginning to see that it is okay. I don't need to be perfect at it and maybe the kids and I just need a break from a while. We are still very much having adventures in reading.

Putting together the peices of my life

I am a child of God. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a caretaker. I am a perfectionist. To name a few. I am not my depression but it tries to control me. I am not my Fibromyalgia but it also tries to gain control. I am not my families behavior but I am affected by it. I am a complicated mix of roles and emotions. I am stuck in emotional pain that like a faithful dog has followed me since I was a child. I am constantly fighting the fatigue that tries to overtake me. I have realized that I am too hard on myself and I let too many things affect me and I don't want it to anymore. Half the time I don't know what I am feeling and I feel guilty for feeling these feelings. My days are a whirlwind of emotions and events. I keep searching for answers. I hop from one solution to the next like rocks in a river. I am so tired and so lost in this river of hopelessness. The truth is I am falling apart slowly. Slowly I have become a victim to all that surrounds me.

Each person in my family is so different in the way we deal with life and the things that happen to us. In my family there are problem solvers, peacemakers and instigators. There are hot heads and complete introverts. There is organization and disorganization. Every time a problem or crisis happens I want to be there with my cape on and swoop in and fix things. Everyday it is like I carry my tool belt, which to me, is more like Marry Poppins bag, and fix things. I pull out my latest trick in the bag and it works its magic for a brief amount of time. I have to rescue them even if it wears me out! Why? Because I want that control because I don't like the feeling that things are out of control. If only they would see what I see or change their behavior then they would be happier. My fixing became a way to stay in control where really I have no control over anyone except myself. I don't even know what is wrong with me and why I just can't stay happy. I have become resentful of my families needs or my illness which feels like it is controlling my life. I feel guilty not living up to the standards I have set for myself and my family. I think that sometimes I plan my day around whatever I feel the most guilty about. How can all of these roles and emotions fit into such a tiny person huh??

There is no doubt about it I am dealing with a lot. I am better than I was. I have come so far but there is also a long way to go! Maybe somewhere you relate to my rantings? I am always hoping to help someone. My hope is that slowly I can see changes in myself. Good changes. The kind that gives me confidence. I am not very confident or secure in who I am. This is hard to admit but it is true! I am tired of feeling this way.But is not easy to teach an old dog new tricks. I know that I have to do something about it if I want it to change. There are things I have carried with me like gum on a shoe. It is time to scrape it off and leave it alone. I also need to try not to step in anymore gum. I am letting go of things I can't control. That is a lot of things!

Recently I started a 1000 piece puzzle. That is the biggest I have ever done I think. I start a puzzle out by finding all the end pieces and then putting them together. These can be compared to what I feel are the most important areas in my life. This can be anywhere from my core beliefs, pivotal events in my life etc... Then I try to look for pieces that look like they are similar in color or design. This takes a long time because I only have a little bit of time to devote to it. I am patiently waiting to see which pieces of my life fit together. I can't force pieces to fit together and I think that is what I have been trying to do. They just don't fit and I need to keep trying to see what pieces do fit. Moving to my new house several years ago has given me the most answers for my life. All the pieces have been coming together from my diagnosis to my sense of what my mission is and certain people coming into my life at just the right moment. When I look at the puzzle I have been working on it feels like I might never find all the pieces but I find just a few more or sometimes, if I am lucky, full sections. Then I have to figure out where it fits on the end pieces. Each time you have to look at each piece and turn it to see if it will fit or not.  I am trying to do the same thing with my life by asking Heavenly Father to help me and show me the way. Little by little and piece by piece I am receiving those answers.

Piece by piece things are making sense. I have been digging into my past and it has brought up a lot of painful things. I have gone about my life so far broken, but living the best way I could. So much of my illness and depression makes sense now. Maybe it will have less power over me? I am picking up the pieces of my life that I could never make any sense of and I am trying to see where they fit again or if they fit at all. I am learning what defenses I have formed. I am tired of being in a constant state of stress and being flooded by emotions. I am praying and hoping for relief. I am trying to build up my own internal supply of  hope, peace, self esteem and well being that only the savior can bring me. He will give me peace and pieces to make me whole.

Summer of Sucess week 3

This week is definitely off to a better start. We talked about the five love languages and played a little game of guessing which was each persons most important to least important. The 5 love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, and gifts. The kids had a lot of fun trying to guess each others and I feel like we understand each other a little bit more. I realize that we have had a lot of stress and a lot of me not doing well. I am not always able to make sure the kids are doing everything that they are supposed to. This week I wanted to try to understand my kids better and have them understand each other better as well.

Day 1- Devotional- Continue in peace. It is about patience and it is so cute!
Five love language game as mentioned above.

Day 2- Talking about our family if they feel like we are open or closed to change or if they feel like they have a say or not. My hopes in doing this is to see if they feel comfortable at home. Right now we are all trying to get on the same page and find some peace and order. Most importantly I need to RELAX!

We also visited the library and each kid picked something that they wanted to learn about. These next few weeks we will be researching. Then at the end of the month we will be presenting what we learned. We picked up some level one reading books for my First Grader to read and practice. The kids are really excited about this!

Day 3- Worked on their projects

Day 4- Service- Picked cherries and planned our Fathers Day gifts

Next week we will be working more on their projects and keep making goals and working in areas that the kids need the most help. July I hope to work on the constitution and America.

Summer of Sucess Week 2-Goal setting

This week was kind of a bad one. The weather was bad and a lot of my kids were just struggling to keep it together. Sometimes when my kids would like to dig themselves into their own mire or have a bad attitude I feel paralyzed as to what I can do. They are beyond being able to listen to me. Punishments fuel the flames. My counselor has told me to pick my battles but that is so hard! We decided that we were just going to let last week go and start over again this week. There is no blame. It was just a bad week. We did not work on their rooms so this is our goal this week. We have been doing reading writing and Math.

Devotionals:
Biggest test of her life so far- This is a great story of putting God first even though she had tests that were very pressing/

Setting goals and managing time- This one has a real great story of a farmer who goes to get hay and finds all these things that need to get done. We talked about how we can make sure we put first things first and keep up on maintenance on our home and ourselves.

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 ¶Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 

1 Nephi 3:7

7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

 

This is my favorite scripture! If we set righteous goals he may not make it easy but he will provide a way that we can do it!

 

At the end of the week I had them answer 3 questions. I think that we might make a weekly thing!

1. Last week I did my very best on ______
2. I think I could have done better on_______
3. Some goals I have for this week are________

By the end of this month I hope they are making personal, spiritual and physical goals. But I am getting ahead of where they are at.

What you need to know about people with food allergies

Eating and cooking used to be my favorite thing to do. I started to really jazz things up when I started watching Food Network. I have watched Food network now since 2005. I watched hoping to find recipes to bring joy to my husband and to keep me sane. Now I am no Martha or Julia Child's in the kitchen. I make lots of mistakes. One in particular still makes me laugh to this day. I made my Grandmas tamale pie that she would always make at Christmas time. She is gone now, but her recipes are here to pass down to the next generations. When I made it  I was so excited! I was like a kid at Christmas really. I made the cornmeal and added the meat and tomatoes. Next I poured the spices.  After I did I started to cry when I realized I put too much pepper on it. I don't know how I saw Tablespoon instead of teaspoon! I didn't know how bad things were with my depression but this day was like so many others. I was just so upset and of course crying. Well my sweet hubby ate it anyway and tried to comfort a very inconsolable creature of a wife. We had just had a baby that was very colicky and cried a lot. I was really just beginning to scratch the surface of what was wrong with me. Now that I look back on it I should have gotten help then. Back then food was such a comfort and passion of mine.

Now I feel more like I am eating in a dungeon every day.  I am tortured by the smell of food that can never touch my lips or melt on my tongue. Food is also a very social thing for me. Socially I feel like an outcast when I can't eat anything. People ask why I can't eat this or that but it makes me so sad. It is like asking why someone doesn't have a baby yet when they can't have kids. It is painful to talk about. I don't like talking about it but I do because at least I am being social and people are talking to me. I love being around people and having a good time but I feel like I am in chains the whole time while I am doing it.

Food allergies are becoming more and more common everyday. My youngest still can barely eat anything. He is so itchy and uncomfortable. I worry for him and when he goes to school. Will he sit alone? Food allergies are so isolating. These allergies are so frustrating. They are like a ball and chain. It gets tiring trying to live in a allergy prison. Who wants to worry what they could put in their mouth could be fatal or cause their stomach to ache? Yet that is how it is for me and many others I am finding out. I am like that kid eating alone because I am different. My friends and family don't treat me bad or anything. They are understanding and concerned but this is how I feel regardless.

I was talking with a concerned friend the other day and she told me about one of her grand kids who can't have peanut butter. He can't even be near to it so he sits alone to be safe. Then she proceeded to tell me that it wasn't long before other kids told their parents not to put peanuts in their lunch so they could sit by him. I started to cry. Her words of hope calmed my aching heart. I told her how much I had to opt out of this week because I couldn't do it. Sometimes it really feels like I am eating alone at the table of life. What she said next has been on my mind all week. She said just opt in people into your life and pretty soon they will want to sit at your table.

Again I had been looking at things all wrong. I was isolating myself and pulling myself down. This woman made me feel special and like I was one of the cool kids. It doesn't matter if you are 6, 16 or 36 there is still that need to feel included and feel special. Some times we feel like we have to go it alone. It is better to avoid what is uncomfortable or embarrassing. I put on a brave face and act like I am okay that way. Who am I kidding? Isolating myself is the worst I could do. Yet I still do it. Why is that?

I don't know why I keep battling these inner thoughts day after day. I try to challenge them but they just keep coming back. I have noticed now that if I am in a room I look for other people standing alone. I am drawn to those who are hurting like me. Somehow knowing there are others makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I can leave the dungeon or find cell mates who have the same life sentence of Chronic illness that I do. For those of you who think I like being alone, I don't. Please don't pass me by or leave as a friend. We are alone because we feel like we have to, not because we want to be. When someone is sitting alone or they say they are okay look deeper. Look into their eyes. Look at their posture or what their hands are doing.

I still love food but it is not my passion. I have found other passions. This blog is one and helping as many of you as I can. I know what many woman feel these days. I have been through a lot of pain. I have worked hard a lot. I have forgiven much. I have also let go of a lot. But I still feel deeply and many things are still sensitive for me to talk about. But I want to help. Just thought I would let you know what its like to not be able to eat what you want or do everything you want. I am not ready to embrace the bland foods I eat everyday but I will get there.