This week wasn't too bad. I was feeling pretty great Tuesday-Thursday. I was even able to take a trip to go to a funeral for my friends Mom. I did not know her Mom but I could tell that she was an amazing woman. I sat there thinking of what my kids would say about me.Would they remember the good times? Would they know that I loved them? I sit here now, thinking, drained and unsure of what my next step should be. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle but it is muddy and I keep sliding.
I wanted to make a special memory tonight and instead of just sending my kids off to bed, I wanted to cuddle with all of them together. Me and my 4 little monkeys. It was so wonderful but one of my kids was not happy with me and wouldn't join us. It is always a fight. I get on my knees and the tears flow down my face. I have been researching and gathering information to understand the why of my disease and why my child is struggling the way he is. I cry. I cry to release. I cry because I am so drained emotionally and physically. I hate that I lost it. I lost it because nothing I do seems to make a change. I cry because I am a sensitive soul. But I hate it when I cry! There is pain. So much pain. Mothers Day is a day I look forward to every year but this time I feel like there is not much to celebrate. Do I celebrate my failures? Do I look at the little battles I have won? I am exhausted and so ready for any change, even an inkling of one. Yes in many ways I am stronger than I was before. I am still fighting but I am so tired. Tired of feeling alone and misunderstood.
My child is misunderstood. He cries. We are not so different. We both struggle to fit these pieces of this puzzle we have been given with the ODD diagnosis.
He came to me. After I had decided this Mothers Day wasn't for me. My body ached and my shoulders slumped forward. He wrapped his arms around me and I fell into his arms. I felt like I was the last person my child wants to see. In an instant he became like a trusting infant, so sweet and loving.
I am not sure how many days we will be like today. Where I feel so helpless and unsure. Days where I cry and I search my scriptures and websites for answers.
I know that I am his Mother and he needs me. I am still broken and so is he. I am a Mother. I am Powerful. I can bring about change. I am crying now but because I know tomorrow will be a day to celebrate. We made it through today. There will be more good days. God is merciful and knows me and my children.
You Mothers out there. You are needed. You are not alone. I hope you all have a happy Mothers Day and celebrate what you do best. If you don't know ask in prayer and he will tell you. This is for all Mothers. Mothers to be. Mothers who lost. Children who lost their Mothers. Mothers who are waiting to be. We are Mothers who love and who are loved.