I think I know why I am having so many negative feelings creep in to my mind, like a tiny little spider.That negativity is taken and spun into a web where it waits to catch and hold onto more negative thoughts! I do not mean to make it sound like it is hopeless.If you have ever tackled a spider web they are very fragile and breakable.I feel this web of negativity is easily broken ,but it starts with me(you).This will work only if I stop dwelling on these thoughts.I am getting them out of my head as we speak and on paper.As I mentioned yesterday I will be writing these down and turning them into positives.In the process of writing these down I hope to accept these positives.To truly do this I must forgive myself and others who might be contributing to my self doubt and negativity!
I have come to the realization that I have been beating myself up for something I had no control over .I have a lot of guilt for not being there as much for a friend who lost her Mother right after I had my baby.I had a c-section so there was a 4-6 week recovery period.This kept me home a lot!I haven't been able to forgive myself even though this person said they were not mad at me.Life has separated us more and more.I find myself blaming it all on me,and wanting things to be the same.I realize that things can't be the same.Life changes all the time but our path(our ultimate goal) remains the same if we listen to God and what he thinks of us. I can be the kind of friend and person I want to be.I can't control other people.I am who I am because of the people in my life and experiences good and bad in my life.
Whew!That only took me 7 months to say!I feel liberated now that I have put down how I feel.Do you know what? I feel like I have truly forgiven myself.I had to go through a lot of pain and crying,that let's face it was self inflicted.Clear the cob webs and allow those feelings to leave your mind,even if pain follows and don't let it come back.This process could be for a short time or a long time.We all take different amount of time to forgive.It can't be rushed or forced.
My next negative thought I want to start working on is that I can't make my home the way I want it to be because there is too much junk,I am tired and the kids aren't cooperating!My fear too is that if I make my house more manageable can I keep it that way?Does this sound familiar to anyone else? Why can't I do it all? I would love to have comments about this.Maybe we can help each other!Let me walk in your shoes for a while.