I may be writing this too late at night, when my emotions are raw and my eyelids heavy. My eyes are not the only thing that is heavy. My heart is a little heavy too! I am one of those girls who wanted to be a Mom more than anything. I couldn't really figure out what I wanted as a career, too indecisive I guess! When I became pregnant with my first I had only been married for less than a year. We didn't want to wait and honestly I would do it that way again. I am adopted, you see, and I had all kind of fears that I would not be able to have kids like my biological Mom. It was a worry every time I got pregnant. In addition to receiving my beautiful baby boy I came home with postpartum. My family was with me for a while, but when they went home, that is when it became serious. He was colicky and would scream and cry. Not what I pictured. I LOVE MY KIDS!
I also didn't picture that my kids would not sleep through the night until they were 5. Bed time is my least favorite time of day. If I could just make bed time easier maybe? I also didn't picture I would have health issues and my last baby would have food allergies that make it so hard to feed him. Thank goodness for his formula! He is always itchy! Maybe motherhood is finding joy in it, wherever it may be? I enjoy their first laugh and words. I congratulate their first steps. I want to see them be independent and make good choices. I also see them make bad ones.
After my kids get past the baby stage and they start to become defiant, I start to lose the joy and spark of mother hood. I had to work hard in school to keep up and I have to work hard in Motherhood to keep up too! I keep looking for that perfect balance and the only equation that works is to put the things of God first and everything last! Why do I let what people think bother me? Why do I compare myself to other Mom's. What is missing? I love my children so much! I would do anything for them! Could I be losing the "motherly" side of me? I am strict, but maybe I am too strict? Do any of you feel like you are just getting by? I am tired of it! I am tired of feeling guilty and alone in these feelings.I am just plain exhausted too!
The way I see things, is the CONSTANT need to be available. It is great to feel needed at the same time. I can't fully relax because there are constant needs from my kids and outside kid activities.They need food, attention, to be cleaned and nagged to do things. I am always interrupted when doing something. This is especially true in the restroom!So here is my battle and I think where I need to change my thinking. How do I change this constant need for me and also see and remember how much they need me, even when they don't act like it.
Here is my plan
- Lose the high expectation I set for myself. I am a good Mom and if I need a break or 2 or 3......its okay. I can send them to play in their rooms for a few minutes, say a prayer and re-motivate myself!
- Take things I have had on the back burner and do them. I went to my Sister in laws house with my whole family. I was the only one who planned to paint but every one did some painting and it now, one of my favorite memories
- Don't always be just the parent, just listen! Listen to your kids. Listen to nature. Listen to what your heart is telling you. If you are not happy listen and don't feel the guilt that comes along with it. Come back to the issue or whatever is making you feel impatient. Always make sure that everyone is safe.Listen listen listen and you might and will learn lots of things!
- Say yes more. I have seen this in so many posts I am not sure who thought it up. It is a hard one. I think it might help though with my very strong willed children. That leads me to my next step...
- Really try to understand your children. Your relationship with them and your husband is the most important.
- Learn to accept the loss. The loss of identity, loss of time, money, friends and eventually the loss of your children as they move out and you are, left alone.
- Put your phone down when your children enter the room. Look them in the eyes, hug them and enjoy when they adore you. Hold on tight to that feeling you get when they come to you. That is a feeling no one can take away from you! No one but you!
Let go of any guilt you feel and pick one thing to do differently as a parent. Believe me I know what a gift it is to have a baby. I wish that many woman, including my Mom did not know the pain of miscarriages or not getting pregnant at all. I do not wish to offend anyone. I could not handle those trials. I am amazed at how strong they are! To them I say find other ways to be a mother and serve and may it temporarily feel the void until all wounds are healed or when they are blessed with a beautiful baby. My Mother held me and my siblings and loved rocking us. She appreciated the gift. I do too! I just want to enjoy it more when I am trying so hard to do so. That is all we can do right? Try!