Warning this may be a little over dramatic! But hey if you can't write what you feel and live then how can others relate?
This week has really been eye opening for me. Many people do not know the fight I have everyday with myself. I try to stay positive but be real in what I write here.I am really just barely starting to accept this reality as well. I want to smile and pretend that I am just having a bad day or in a bad mood. In fact I try to put on a smile as if I am happy. It is not my fault and I make a choice everyday to choose to try and live my life when really I feel like a social experiment. This week I have gotten the courage to realize it is not my fault they way I feel. I am strong for even being able to overcome the debilitating and invisible disease Fibromyalgia.Today I am throwing a party to celebrate what I hope to be a turning point for me.
Welcome to my tea party. Why a tea party? It is fun and supposed to be cozy. My kids sure love having them.My guests are chronic pain, stress, fatigue, depression, self criticism and flu like symptoms. My favorite is Mr. unreliable he is a frequent visitor. He seems charming, telling me I can do whatever I want, until he invites his other friends. I can't do it all and that is okay! I decided to invite them ALL because they are frequent visitors anyways! Yes this is scary and overwhelming. Maybe if I invite them I can understand them. With this party I can expect them and I can mingle and talk. I get tired of trying to ignore them so I might as well invite them to the party. They are the ones with me my whole life. Friends and family try to understand me but they don't. If I just try to move or be social, things will get better right? They don't even realize how much energy it takes to even go out of the house or talk. I am gripped with fatigue because even when I want to sleep my guests want to party.
I told you it was a little dramatic but if I truly want to change I have to look in the eyes of my reality and make it the best I can. I don't want to feel guilty for something I have tried to change for years. I have done it all, medicine, therapy, counseling,and massage. Every day there is a knock at my door and I wonder if I have the strength to let these guests in who might be back the next day. When I write down my worries they do not look so big and scary as I first thought. As kids, many of us are scared of a monster in our closet or under our beds. I know my kids have been! When I face them on paper they loose their hold on me. So like any good tea party I have a time picked out to think about them and worry. See my post about this here
I will set the table for my tea party. My table will be set for success and the tea is a dose of reality. I can sweeten my tea with faith, hope and trust in God. I am not mocking this ritual but visualizing it this way due to what I have learned about tea. I know that in many cultures especially in China it is a way of celebrating and honoring your guests. Tea is also so popular because of all the varieties in taste offered. I know that my guests are difficult but I truly want to understand and do all I can to make the best of everything.
I don't like being out of control of what happens to my body. I like to feel in control. So that is my goal for today is to find out what I am in control of. I know it sounds more resolute to write it, however, executing it is a whole different struggle. I am going to attempt to understand these guests one at a time. After all, my blog is the happiness blueprint and how we can find it everyday. That is the key though, we have to find it! To find it we have to be looking and wanting a change. I am very clear on what I can't change, so what can I change?
- My attitude and thoughts
- Getting enough sleep
- Letting people know that I need friends
- Not loosing my passion for things
- Seeing life as an adventure
- Enjoying the times I do feel well
- Managing stress and teaching my family to understand
I have to make a conscious choice to choose these things everyday! Some day I will be healed and I want to say I put up a good fight!
Look at your life and find one thing you want to change. Add a time in your daily routine to think about it and make realistic goals.